POST CHRISTMAS BLAHS

December 29, 2009 Tuesday

Christmas has come and gone, and though it was great to have Sarah home for the Holiday, it was a week full of illness. Sarah and I were attacked by the Sinus Monster. Dry Air and Cold Weather were not our friends. The humidifier helped, but was a little to little, a little too late. We got out for the last two days of her trip home, and even though I didn't feel well, I didn't say a word, for I didn't want to not go out with her for lunch and shopping.

My friend Erin came over Sunday for a wig party. Erin was the wig mistress on Grey Gardens on Broadway, and very talented at what she does. So after much juggling of schedules we finally got together to play with wigs. I have two right now, thanks to Erin. Both bobs, one blonde and one dark brunette. I like the blonde. Not a peroxide blonde, but a dark Blonde, good for my skin tone and sassy. Erin is styling a human hair wig that will be more like my real hair. Close to my hair before chemo. I still like going bald, it's more comfy. Wigs are hot and make me itch. But it is fun to change it up, and to be honest, the scarves are getting old. So we tried on many wigs, and laughed at some and oohed at others. Then Brunch as a thank you for Erin's time and the loan of the wigs. Sarah and I then headed to SoHo for some New Year's Eve dress shopping. It is so important to look great when you are young. Me? I'll throw on something clean and decent, don my sassy blonde wig and head to Inwood to bring in a better year with my Cancer Vixen friend Cheryl.

The next day, I didn't feel good, but shopping was not done, so I bit down and forged forth with Sarah not feeling well. I think we both acted as if we were fine, not wanting to disappoint the other. The air was cold and the wind was mean, but we pushed forward, undaunted by the frigid weather. Met with Warren and Kia, and then headed home to fall apart with tears and anger at not feeling well. Packed, ate, and went to bed. By the time my head hit the pillow the lymph node in my neck was so sore that to simply touch it made me cry out in pain.

The night passed fitfully, and the morning came too soon, and then Sarah was gone, off on her plane to take her to warmer weather. Me left behind, wishing I could go with her, to the better temperatures. My low-grade fever growing more and more nagging, the lymph node now screaming in pain, I called the doctor and now I must go to the office tomorrow for blood work and a visit. Ah! the cost of chemo. Lowering the white blood cell count has its price. I can only hope this doesn't derail Chemo #5 on Tuesday. I want this over on schedule, no delays because of weather related illnesses.

I'm so envious of my daughter who now is in the warmth of LA. So she basks in the sun while I cower under mounds of blankets and shawls as the vicious wind howls outside and shakes the windows and rattles the doors in its attempt to penetrate our walls to freeze us. Winter is here.

Stay warm!

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

December 26, 2009 Saturday

Expectations. The American Heritage Dictionary defines 'expectation' as "the act of expecting", "Eager expectation" To expect is "To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of" or "To presume; suppose".

With Great Expectations comes Great Disappointment. The Holidays are usually full of of this. Kids getting lots of toys, but somehow the one they "really" wanted wasn't there. The promise of no "family drama" falls into chaos. The thrill of travel to relatives dashed by the blizzard that locks us in, and shuts down airports, highways, and rails. Congress' promise to work in bi-partisan support to bring Americans Health Care Reform, and then gives into Insurance Lobbyists and leaves us out in the cold without hope. Yes, December was full of Great Expectations. And much like Charlie Brown and that football, we trust that this time Lucy won't pull the ball away, and we always fall flat on our back. So, why do we do it? Hold these Great Expectations? It will always not be what we expect. There will always be a "could've been better", "it wasn't what I expected", "why does it always dissolve into this".

Such was the Holiday week for me. My daughter arrived Monday to the bitter cold of NYC, and within hours both of us fell sick to the super dry air, couldn't enjoy each other's company, and then the bickering started. After hours of trying to bull through, and suggest fun things to do together as a family I gave up in disgust and went to bed. The day ruined by the old routines of bickering among siblings, pissing contests between Father and Son, eye rolling and whining between Father and Daughter. Hurt feelings for stupid things, and tempers flaring over petty differences. My Great Expectations of Family Fun dashed in less than 24 hours. My explosion extraordinary, as I blew out the of the room to escape the usual family drama of the Holidays. I kicked Ed out of the bedroom, and cried with the only living things that don't judge, the cats. Several attempts from Ian finally melted my armor and allowed him to snuggle in apology. Then came Sarah, and at last Ed, but why had it taken me melting down to bring us together?

The next day, I was very sick, with a fever that bumped 100, and that began to make me nervous. My water consumption was not to be sated, 7 glasses of water before 10 am with no relief in site for the dehydrated feeling I owned; Sarah in much the same condition. The Great Expectation of seeing a Holiday movie, gone. Dentist office for Sarah's cleaning and home in the bitter bitter cold, and that was the end of the day, over, kaput. Food made, food pushed away, bed. Wednesday brought much the same result. Doctor's appointment and home. Finally the humidifier hooked up and running trying as hard as it could to pump moisture into the air. Relief beginning to gain ground on my sinuses. By Thursday my body began to feel less like a dried out sponge and my temperature finally returning to normal. But Sarah is feeling worse, and I'm thinking "Why did I make her come home? She wouldn't have gotten ill if she stayed in LA. I'm a terrible mother. How selfish am I?" Ah! old habits die hard. As if I knew she would get a cold if she came home for Christmas. Sure! Bad Mommy! So as I lay down to rest for the tenth time that day, I hear the door close, so I go out to see who left and to my surprise, it was Sarah. Ed tells me she's gone for a walk. Odd, since she informed me upon arrival that she would not leave the house until she left the for airport. A walk? So time passes and the doorbell rings, I peek out the peephole and see a tree. Sarah has returned with a tree. "It just isn't Christmas without a tree."

Do you see what happens when Great Expectations are dropped? Wonderful things happen when you DON'T Expect. Joy was infused like a balm with the purchase of a tree, a 6' tree. Beautiful in its simplicity, perfection. It brought us together, and we began to laugh and enjoy. Suddenly baking was happening, tree trimming, and cats going crazy to climb the tree and knock at the ornaments. Dinner on the table and everyone around it. Laughing and conversation, real conversation. Then Christmas movies and us all piled up together as a family, enjoying the simple things of life. Company.

Christmas morning I felt great, so I woke early to make the Christmas morning feast. Fruit salad, Banana Bread, Cranberry Bread, and Quiche. We slept in, well, everyone else did, and we enjoyed the quiet of the day. Later that day Ed, Ian and I went to Rose and Roy's home for Christmas dinner. Sarah stayed behind still not feeling that well, but she had company, so all was well. The Evening ended well with good food, good friends, and lively conversation. The joy of just letting things be was the lesson. It is only with "expectation" that we can be disappointed. So, for the rest of the weekend, no more expectations, I promise to just let things be. If we see a movie, fine, if not, also fine. Just being in the same room is enough for me now.

Nite!

Love and Light!

Melissa

THE BIG SNOW STORM

December 20, 2009 Sunday

NYC got its big snow storm, the first of the season last night. I slept fitfully through the night, up and down, head of the bed, foot of the bed, so forth and so on through the night. I gave up at 7am and got up. Ian had a friend spend the night, so I tried to tip-toe around in my feeble attempt to not wake the lad. It didn't work. So the boys got up, I made banana pancakes and the boys devoured them. Then I was spent. It was 9am and I was done for the day. The snow was beautiful, and as always not as much as predicted, but lovely all the same. It made it feel a bit more like Christmas. Ian and his friend headed out for the day, while Ed and I tried to do laundry. Tried, the operative word. The snow gave everyone else the same great idea, DO LAUNDRY! We finally got it done late in the afternoon. Just another boring day here at the Hyland house. But with the boring comes the predictable, Chemo Sunday. The chemo burn had returned, and left me begging for mercy. I'm so tired of being tired, so tired of feeling the burn, so tired of the predictability of pain.

This week is going to be difficult on two levels, one it's week 2 of chemo treatment, always physically hard and draining, and two because it's Christmas week and there will be no "normal" Christmas here. No tree, no decorations, no presents, no money, no nothing. Nothing but stress if we let it in. Something I fight with every fiber of my being. This year, it will be more "Gift of the Magi" than "The Santa Clause" Back to simpler things, like love of family, and home baked goods, sharing laughter, glad to be all together. Perhaps the LIFE game will make an appearance, perhaps this time, I'll win the game. That would really be something. WE have the Wii, and lots of movies we can curl up to. Lots of hugs and kisses, maybe some chocolate, for life just can't be the same without it.

Back to basics, away from the monetary. Enjoy your Christmas, and don't feel bad for us, it's just a reality check. Time to slow down and realize what's really important. My daughter arrives in the morning, my son loves me, this I know, because he hangs on me like a monkey. My husband dotes on me with extra concern, and though he tries to cook, it always falls this side of good, but it's dinner, and I love him for the attempt. My friends are worth everything I own, old and new, and I have two cats that love me no matter what. Cancer would like to think it has robbed us of Christmas and all that we hold dear, but Cancer would be wrong, dead wrong. It took our money, it's strained our lives, but it hasn't taken what is most important to us, and that is family. If anything, it's made family stronger, better, more flexible. With faith anything is possible, remember that. Don't be afraid to feel bad for yourself, just don't let it linger too long.

On two sides of one coin, life and death, this week, a new friend made it through her surgery, and went home today, and for that I'm so eternally happy for her and her family; on the other side of the coin, our dear next door neighbor suddenly passed away from complications that arose from his own battle with cancer this week, and has left us and his family devastated. It seems unfair that one must die and one gets to live, but life is seldom fair on the surface. Pray for those who have passed on and for their families, but also pray for the continued healing of those spared by the fickleness of death.

In the words of Tiny Tim ~ "God Bless Us, Everyone!"

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

PRAYERS FOR BEVERLY

December 17, 2009 Thursday

Today, please take a moment to pray for a stranger, Beverly. She is a Cancer Vixen. Her breast Cancer has spread to her brain, and she is undergoing brain surgery right now. Pray for her complete victory in getting it all, and a complete recovery. She is young, and deserves every chance she can get. She has a lot to offer the world, and we will benefit from all that she will give.

It is an opportunity to care. There are many faces to cancer, young/old/female/male/fat/thin/tall/short/happy/mean/giving/selfish, they all deserve a prayer. Please go beyond the circle of friends you have that suffer from this disease. It is a way of correcting your karma.

I am not doing as well as I was yesterday, but I'm not surprised. I had an extraordinary day yesterday, feeling too good to be true. I did what I had to do yesterday, but measured my day with rest. Last night the heartburn began and I knew I was returning to the "norm" of the chemo course. My energy is low low low, and I will rest the rest of the day, in hopes of getting to go for a short period of time to Ed's and Ian's Agent's Christmas Party as a reward. I'll load up on compazine and hope for the best.

Christmas is coming and nothing has been done around the house. Perhaps the smallest of Charlie Brown Christmas trees will help lift the spirits. It's too too cold out today, I don't like the cold, and feeling run down makes the cold harder to bear. So I focus on the good that is coming. Sarah is arriving Monday morning, good medicine. She'll be home all the way to Dec. 29 and by then I'll be coming around to being more myself. We have each other, and lots of love, and hope.

Going to bed to rest up for a fun short evening.

Nite!

Love and Light!

Melissa

CHEMO #4

December 15, 2009 Tuesday

Starting Sunday, I began to dread Tuesday. I went to the SGI Culture Center Sunday morning to chant and meet up with my friend Rose. And after do morning prayers, the leader stood and spoke, like he usually does every Sunday, but this day his words were only for me. That is how many in the room felt. He spoke to our fears, financial, lack of jobs, and our health. He reminded us that we are in a Winter, and Spring always follows Winter. He wasn't speaking of the Seasons, per say, rather he was speaking to our personal Winter. I've written about this before. I am in a big Winter right now. Things could not be worse on the finance front (drought), the job front (who will hire someone in the middle of chemo and radiation), my health (fungus on the crop), my health insurance ( locust on the crops eating every dollar in site). But my Winter will end and with it comes the beauty of Spring. So I left renewed with a sense of hope. I am determined to change my life condition. And I will have the biggest, best est Spring anyone could imagine.

Monday was spent working hard with my P/T Lauren. You all would just love her. She is sweet and engaging, and so helpful and compassionate. Then home to cut checks and that means robbing Peter to pay Paul, you know the game. Then I was exhausted and spent the rest of the day resting. My energy is waning but my spirit lives on. Cancer treatment cannot take that away.

This morning I woke early because I gave up trying to sleep. My legs were doing that restless dance once again, and the room was unusually hot and stuffy even though the windows were open and the fan was blowing. The radiator was pumping heat with unwarranted vigor. So I gave up sleep and went on FB did my Farmville, woke Ian for school, showered, ate oatmeal with apples and brown sugar, got Ed up and ready to take me to chemo. On the way up, I started to cry, but I shut it down. I confessed that I really didn't want to go. I still was not 100% this time, I was just beginning to feel like myself again, and wasn't ready to feel yucky. The spoiled child reared her ugly head for about 2 minutes and then it was over. I knew I needed to go, needed to poison my body, get through the knot hole, and come out the other side victorious. Had my bloods drawn, saw Dr. Speyer who was amazed at how great I look, and said I looked marvelous which brought on the Billy Crystal quote, "Well, it is better to look Marvelous, than to feel marvelous." WE laughed and moved to the office for the update and okaying for chemo. I have turned the corner in the tunnel and I can see the small glimmer of light at the end of Hell. I am on my way to the other side of it, and it feels so hopeful.

I slept through most of my chemo, because I was really tired. I didn't get a room for 1 1/2 hours after my appointed time. Everyone was trying to get their chemo in before Christmas, so it was insanely busy. But I was patient and understanding. I only asked after an hour if they could estimate when I'd get in, and 1/2 and hour later, I got a great room and treatment began. #4 went well, because I slept, even though I tried to stay awake. God those drugs are good, but I don't recommend driving while on them. lol Ed and I finally left at 5PM for home. A good day, a hopeful one, and that is why it was a good one. TWO MORE CHEMO TREATMENTS. Two more cycles of this queer feeling and the sick tummy. Two more and this will never be revisited. Two more!!! This makes me so happy!!! The snow is beginning to melt I sense my personal Spring beginning.

May you all have your personal Spring. Believe when you find yourself in a Winter that the promise of Spring is there, just beneath the surface. Be patient for it will come, and will be more than you could imagine. Have faith, things are cyclical and when you work hard at your faith anything is possible.

Two more!

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

FEMALE ENERGY

December 12, 2009 Saturday

I love my hubby and I love my son, but I was in need of female energy. There is nothing quite like a group of women to bring up your spirits. Such was yesterday. First, Luigi Jazz. My group of ladies that I dance with are like none other. They are caring beautiful women, and supportive doesn't even begin to describe the level of caring they give. I love Luigi, Francis, Curtis, Jay, but sorry guys, you ain't gals, and I needed my gal pals. I had a wonderful class and felt like a dancer. Luigi complimented me on my level of dance and I felt important. Luigi was suffering from side effects of some medication he was taking, dizziness. I knew what he was talking about. I, too, was suffering from imbalance, but together, we fought it and won. So many women in the class are cancer vixens. The advice and compassion is compelling. We share more than dance now, we are women in a terrible club, but let me tell you, the membership doesn't get better than us. We are strong, full of hope, and embrace the new members. Me.

I returned home and was more tired than usual. I guess it's the fact that my hemoglobin is dropping. I felt good during class, and near the end of class my energy waned, and I got dizzy and my vision was a bit off. So I ate lunch, and took a two hour nap.

I met Rose, Erica and many other women at the SGI Center to chant and attend a lecture about Caring. A room full of caring women and men listening to how we as a global society struggle to really care. Why care for some, and not others? Who is deserving and who isn't? To care we must first be aware of the need for care, then take on the responsibility of caring and finally follow through with making sure the care was received. I know I have received tremendous care from not just family, but also my medical team, my dear friends, and yes complete strangers. I am indeed quite lucky. It was an eye opening lecture and made anyone there really think about the level of caring we give and receive. So we ladies went to dinner after the lecture and we talked about caring. But mostly we talked about life. We had a wonderful time and I am now happy because I surrounded myself with female energy.

Female energy and male energy is different, not better or worse, just different. It is important to spend time with your gal pals or your guys, it feeds a part of the soul that your spouse just can't fill. An example from the question/answer section of the lecture supports this. A teacher from Staten Island stood and asked why that at her school the male teachers show a lack of caring, they play straight by the book, they give the assignment and expect it to be done. If it doesn't get done, the grade reflects it and too bad. Whereas the female teachers tend to pursue the student, follows up, encourages the "lost" student. The boys respond to the female teachers in a positive way, whereas the girls get annoyed, and find the female teachers nagging. However, the girls try harder to please the male teachers who deny any attention to the students. A different way of caring? Perhaps, or are we as women taught that we must please the man to be noticed?

Caring. It can be a small thing, holding a door for someone, cleaning up the table you ate at at McDonalds. Or giving directions to a tourist, a kind word to the store clerk you just bought something from, like "Have a nice day, Thank you ". Then there is the big caring, stopping to help someone in need, a stranger who has fallen in the street, or stopping by an elder person's home to see if they need anything. How about caring for oneself? That, for women, seems to be the biggest hardest one of all. So as we go through this Holiday Season, remember what this Season is about, really about. Not the presents under the tree, or how many parties you go to, but the true meaning. Caring, giving freely of your time and self.

Gifts are nice, but sharing your love is the best gift of all.

Care.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

A NEW MIND SET

December 10, 2009 Thursday

After my last post melt down, I have re-set my mind. I, for that moment in time, let the negative grab hold of me, and seize me up with panic and fear. What a dope, it happens, but I forgot the most important thing. What is the most important thing? You can't get blood from a stone. I have no money, so they can't take what I don't have. So the medical bread line will begin. The first bill to arrive will get the $5 a month payment and the rest will have to wait in the bread line until it is their turn. My plan is to ask for assignment. Hopeful that the medical team will understand and have mercy on us. Next, pay off those who won't take assignment. Then the next phase is to up my chanting. Perhaps have a toso somewhere. Also, to ask you all to pray for us. Not just my quick recovery, but for Ed to find a great paying gig, perhaps a National Network Commercial that runs and runs and runs and runs, followed by a regular on a tv series that is super successful. for now, that is what I envision. 2010 is coming and things MUST change for the better, because we are at the bottom of the pit. So we have no where to go but up.

I've done my belly aching, my fretting, now it's time to fight back. I cannot and will not give in to the negatives that pull at me from Hell. It is the Devil's way of shaking Faith. I almost forgot my Faith. Faith that everything happens for a reason, that everything will get better, that the power of prayer is powerful. It is the Christmas Season, after all, and miracles happen. I'm here, and getting better, and I've lost weight. It's all good, even though the path has been more than rough. We will get through this, better for it.

Ian is a great kid, and has stated that he will do School Lunch to help us save money. The sacrifice is great, remember School Lunch? UGH! He is my hero. He continues to surprise us with his compassion and sense of family. I am so lucky.

Sarah's show is a huge success, and last night's show was hysterical. How ironic that Phil offered to take the family to Italy as an apology for falsely accusing the kids of lying, since that is where Ed is always promising to take me. God I love this show. I'm so happy Sarah is on my favorite show.

I have my bearings back, found the compass, got my footing again, etc, etc, etc. Feeling better in my mind. That is the most important news of the day.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

REALITY BITES

December 8, 2009 Tuesday

I've been in a cocoon for a while now, safely tucked in my home from reality. I play my farmville or work from home doing the paperwork for my daughter's career or rest or anything but real world stuff. Even when I go out, it's to go to Dance class, my P/T or go shopping at the grocer's. but the reality is we are very broke. Today it hit hard, very hard. Ed has been having trouble with one of his teeth for about 2 weeks now, over the past week, Ed got an abscess in his mouth because of the tooth. We don't have dental insurance, something we lost back in September. So his dentist called in an antibiotic and had him come into the office today. The tooth had split and had to be pulled. Now Ed lays in the bedroom in agony. The tooth loss is not good for an actor, it impacts his look. We can't afford a bridge or implant. What to do? Then I got a call from the billing office at Dr. Axelrod's. The insurance company has begun to make payments and guess what? WE owe half. I don't even have 1/10th. So now I must beg for assignment. How humiliating. WE pay so much for insurance and still have to pay a ridiculous amount. It's almost as if the roles have reversed. WE pay 80% and the insurance company only has to pay 20%. They have all the money, and we have none. Literally.

I'm so depressed tonight, today started out so great. I went to Luigi's for dance class, and had a terrific time, felt strong, and danced well. I was so happy. Now, with one phone call and tooth extraction and I feel as if I'm drowning. Can't afford a Christmas tree, can't afford even one gift for each of the kids. Not even Egg Nog is affordable. WE are the Cratchits and I am Tiny Tim. The Insurance Company is Scrooge and the Republicans in the Senate are Scrooge's supporters. If we had Health Care Reform, If we had the Public Option, perhaps we wouldn't be on the verge of total financial ruin. I don't mean to belly ache, but this sucks. WE are in so much debt now, that there is no light to focus on. WE are under water, deep water and up is down, down is up. If I start to swim up will I actually be swimming deeper making it harder to find air?

At this time of the season, we need a Christmas miracle, big time. Pray for us and all the women who are in my shoes. I'm not the only one. This year sucks. And 2010 doesn't look to be starting out that great either. Something has to shift to the better. Pray, and have faith. My friend Kelly sent me a bag of words so if I fell short on what to say I could go to that bag and pull out a word to help me. Today, I went to the bag and pulled out my word, and that word was FAITH. The perfect word for the Season.

I must not panic, I must move on with FAITH. Things will come out alright somehow, right?

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

PEARL HARBOR DAY

December 7, 2009 Monday

Pearl Harbor Day. RIP all you who were attacked this day 68 years ago. That was the day my grandfather joined the Naval-Airforce. He fought in the Pacific Arena and was the last pilot to fly Ernie Pyle, the famous War Journalist. My Grandfather floated for days in the Pacific after his plane was shot down. They told my Grandmother he was dead. She went into labor with my Uncle and after giving birth days later my Grandfather walked into her hospital room and almost scared her to death. They remained married forever, only death parted them when my Grandmother passed away after heart surgery at the age of 76. Why do I bring this up? The testament to love I suppose. Out of Love for Country, men joined up after Pearl Harbor was attacked, for Love of Wife my Grandfather hung on to the remains of his plane. For Love of each other my grandparents stayed together through good and bad. LOVE! The most powerfully positive emotion on Earth.

Love is what keeps us going, lack of love can turn us bad. The love of my family keeps me going. Today I read that a new friend has to go under the knife, again. Suffice it to say, it is a scary knife, with risk. I don't know this woman well, I only know her through my connection to Cancer. We've never met, but I love her. I love her strength, I love her candor, I love her need to fight for her life. So I ask that you pray for a complete stranger, give her your love and hope, because she deserves it. Her body is being attacked by Kamakasi pilots. This is her Pearl Harbor, and I am Uncle Sam telling you, she needs you. So pray, chant, send healing energy, good vibes to her. Her Name is Beverly. That's all you need to know, it will get there.

I've been struggling with a chest cold this past week, and although I don't have that "Chemo" sick going, I don't feel that hot. I'm getting better, so don't worry about me. I'm tough, a real tough chick. I have lots to do this week, finish the taxes for Sarah so my CPA doesn't have a cow, go to dance class, coach, and do the laundry, and somewhere in there do better at my chanting, and my P/T. If I can pull myself out of the funk I've been in, I'll be more productive. This cold knocked me down, but now it's time to get up. Get up and fight. I owe that to Beverly.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

WINTER SETS IN

December 5, 2009 Saturday

As the Winter Front moves into the City, I sit snuggled up on the couch, my perch of late, nursing my cruddy throat with peppermint tea, watching the morning news, playing Farmville, and so so tired. I am like a bear getting ready for hibernation. The only difference? I don't have the winter layer of fat on, rather I've lost it, down to the weight I could only dream of once upon a time, 134lbs. I've actually put on 3 lbs in as many days. Yippee!! Who knew I'd be happy about weight gain? I feel fine, but not fine. Am I denying how I feel? I'm not sure. All I know is I wish I had a fireplace to gaze into.

I do not look forward to the snow that is coming. I wish we could have the warmer days of last week back, I felt like I could go out, at least, and walk about. But the cold turns me off, makes me want to sleep, and do nothing. Is it the fact that I have this sorta cold, and it is draining me? I know I should do my P/T, or my WiiFit, but I just can't pull myself up.

So I sit, because I can't sleep, nor do I want to, but I'm tired. Guess this means my hemoglobin is slipping. What remains of my hair will soon be gone, for now, and my eyebrows are thinning and need to be filled in with pencil, my eyelashes are fewer and fewer, will I need false eyelashes? I don't mind, don't get me wrong, just putting it down. I can't read books because my vision is blurry more often than it's not, and when I read it gives me a headache. So I become like Cat Lady and live for the kitties to entertain me.

I am Winter

shutting down

waiting patiently

for Spring

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS

December 3, 2009 Thursday

Well, I'm set for the appointments for me and my daughter through January, 2010. Feels good to make those appointments and not have to think about them until I have to. Hm!

This is week 2 of treatment #3, and though I don't feel great, I feel better than the last time I was in week 2. My gut stills hurts, my lips are super dry, my tongue feels like someone scrapped it with a rusty saw, and the "Magic Mouthwash" my doctor ordered for me made my throat and mouth so numb that I could hardly swallow. Won't be using that again, blech! My hubby has an abscess on his gum and Ian's back is bothering him. Curse those backpacks. So next week Ed sees the Dentist after taking antibiotics, and we took Ian to the Chiropractor. Gee! let the medical good times roll. When will it end????

HEY! YOU! UP THERE! YEAH! YOU! CAN YOU PLEASE LAY OFF FOR A CHANGE? Can we have some work roll in, and with that a really decent amount of pay? Job security, and good health? I'm a little jammed up down here, trying to get well, I can't handle this right now, okay? Not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but really, I could use some help.

Is it any wonder why my gut feels twisted? Nope. Didn't think so.

My hope is that tomorrow I will feel better, and I can finish up the paperwork on my daughter's tax summary. One more reason to feel my guts twist. then I can get to the weekend, sleep in, take it easy...wait, I forgot, that's someone else's life. OOPS!

Am I bitching? Why, I do believe I am. Sarcasm? Yep. That's what that is. Over it? Totally (with a Valley girl accent). Blah blah blah

I'm in a crabby mood, and not afraid to show it. STOP HURTING GUTS! PISS OFF!

I give up. Sorry for the crabby pants post. Nothing really bad happened here today, just a crabby day.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

DELAYED POSTS

December 1, 2009 Tuesday

Every time I sat down to post my blog over the past few days, something would happen that would derail my posting. Usually my son's need to do homework, but other things such as a phone call, or suddenly not feeling the love for writing. So I have found, made the time to write this morning.

Since my daughter left for LA, I have fallen into the chemo fog of nausea IBS and blech that follows the week after treatment. This week, most likely because I pushed myself last week, I feel it, really feel it. Feeling bad is not normal for me, and I am a bad patient when it comes to feeling bad. I am the type of person who is always going, doing, highly independent, the "I can do it myself, thank you very much" person. This is the biggest life lesson for me. To know that I have limits, to know when to stop myself even though my overblown sense of super heroine says to keep going, to know when to cry "Uncle" and ask for help. Pride cometh before the fall, and this week is the fall. I found myself weeping in the elevator yesterday not knowing why, except that I was so tired and nauseated that all I wanted to do was lie down on the floor of the elevator and sleep. Life lesson, KNOW YOUR LIMITS.

My weekend without Sarah was not without Sarah. I still went shopping with her on Sunday, although 3,000 miles apart, Sarah carried me on her IPhone while she finally got her furniture for her new apartment in LA. Between tweet pictures and online pictures, Sarah and I settled on a living room and a bedroom. Just try to stop Mother/Daughter shopping, just try. Can't be done. WE will always find a way. bwahhhaaahhhaaahhhaaa.

Monday started like any Monday the week after chemo, feeling gross, IBS'd, and wanting to stay in bed, but knowing I had P/T. It didn't take much to make the nausea take over. Standing for more than 3o seconds, waiting for the bus, sitting waiting to be seen. I sat with my P/T friend, Margarette, a women in her 60's who suffers from Lymph edema. A kind woman who years after her struggle with breast cancer has now suddenly had lymph edema kick in. We meet briefly each week and speak of how we are doing. Talk about Health Care Reform, and worry about the ability to pay for our health care in the future. Then she goes off with her P/T and I go off with mine. This week was no different, except that this week a weary African-American woman whom Margarette knows entered the waiting area and sat down looking so defeated. Margarette was called away first and so I sat with this woman in silence. After a few minutes, the woman looked at me with war-torn eyes and said, "I just don't think I can do this anymore. I'm so tired of the doctors, the appointments, the cost." What to say? My heart bled for her. She went on to explain the endless appointments, the P/T, the co-pays, a whole year of not being able to work, and the fear of not being able to get employed now. She cried out to a complete stranger, tears welling in her eyes. How could I not be moved? I felt like saying, "Let's go. Let's run away." But I knew that was no answer, so I told her to hang on. God has a plan, even when it feels like God has abandoned you, he is there, holding you, your job is to have faith that all will work out. Our deepest struggles will have the biggest rewards when faith and hope are applied. Her face changed, and the pain melted from her face, and she responded with, "Yes, you are right. But sometimes it's just so hard." I nodded, and said, "Just don't give up, you've come this far, how sad would it be to quit now? I don't know you, but I just know you aren't the type to quit." We shared a hug, and I was called in to work with my P/T. Cancer links us, but it is the human connection that saves us. Compassion. She just needed someone who got it. I totally get it. There are days that I'd love to just quit. The cost is enormous, and I don't know how we will survive this financially, but at the end of the day, I want to live. I want to go on more IPhone shopping trips with my daughter, and help my son tea-dip his History projects, and congratulate my husband on a callback, and do what I do, everything.

I learned how to do Lymphatic drainage Monday, sounds a whole lot more complicated than it is. I'd look like a weirdo if I did it on the train, that's for sure. People might think I was doing some bizarre imitation of Mary Catherine "Supah-Star". After P/T I foolishly decided to walk to the Credit Union. Avenues away and blocks North I walked mostly on an incline and in the rapidly dropping temperatures and the beginning rain. By the time I got to the Credit Union I was drained. Wearily I stood in the elevator of the Equity Building not noticing anyone around me when I heard my name, and there stood John of FBI. So I detoured to visit my son's agent's office and say howdy to everyone there, before going upstairs to open the money vein for Insurance premium. I'm glad I took the break, I needed to sit down, and there was John the angel telling me to sit. Thanks John.

I headed on up to financial hell and to consolidate accounts to come up with the money to pay for another 3 months of insurance. $3,298.00 That's my premium for one quarter. The thought is draining. Robbing Peter to pay Paul. To have faith that the next quarter of funds will be there is a difficult one, especially in this economy. But I have to have faith! I cannot give into to demons of despair, but this is a hard one. When you cut a check that takes most of your money away, and you are not working right now, and Christmas is in the air, and you try to say, the present this year is me still being here, and that will have to do....difficult. I ran into a couple of friends and chatted and felt a little bit like the "Mayor of Broadway", usually it's Ed who does the running into, not I. I pay my Insurance pound of flesh and head home on the train. I am now completely exhausted and don't know how I'll make it home. I grab an express train and decide to hoof it from Broadway/Lafayette. There are enormous flights of stairs at this stop, did you know that? I knew there were stairs, but not until yesterday did I know just how exhausting those stairs could be....I struggled up the first flight to the concourse, and rested. The second flight seemed longer than ever, and I rested at the top of those stairs. Then the final flight to the street.. Ugh! It seemed to take forever, the temperature had dropped again, the rain had picked up, and as I strained to put my foot to the pavement away from the stairs a man charges me and insists that I give him money because he has none. WHAT!!!!???? Are you kidding me? You ask a woman who has cancer and has just written away all that she has so she can continue her treatment for 3 more months for money?! All I could muster was F*ck off! I stumbled down Houston toward home as people pushed past in the hurry to get somewhere fast, like I used to do. It took a half an hour to walk home from that stop, a stop that usually only takes 15 minutes, if that. I weakly stepped into the empty elevator and as the door closed and I realised I was alone, I wept, I wept for 14 floors, and felt like that woman I met earlier, and as the door opened, I pulled myself together and said, "Have faith. The harder the struggle, the bigger the reward." I spent the rest of the day in a nausea induced way. I went to the acupuncturist and had temporary success, but it was temporary. I pushed too hard, and this is the price I pay for pushing. Today will be spent on meds and bed. With the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. That tomorrow will bring good news on multiple fronts. That tomorrow will be a good day.

So to bed with me, thanks for reading, it means a lot to me to share the journey, and now it makes sense that I got delayed in posting. Hope you don't mind the lapses, I have a feeling this will happen more often.

Nite!

Love and Light!

Melissa

GIVING THANKS

November 27, 2009

Here's to giving Thanks. At least once a year, we gather around a large table over-full with food. We say thank you to the people we love most in the world. The people who have always been there for you whenever you needed them. And for those whom we can't sit across the table from, we have the telephone to wish them a quick hello, thank you, and hope your day is great. We have football, and children prancing about the rooms playing at ballerinas, ninjas, and teens dragging the little ones around as the tots cling to the ankles of strong young boys. There is much laughter, wine and beer are consumed, turkey, dressing, potatoes, sweet potatoes, veggies (that hardly anyone really touches), desserts a plenty, and finally the day is over and we all roll out to our cars or roll down the stairs to our homes, or simply flop into bed, full, happy, and sleep with gratitude. Such was my day.

My thanks are plenty, my daughter and I made cranberry bread from scratch in the morning and watched the parade, and my son with his too long hair joined us groggy with sleep. Finally Ed wandered in and bread was broke, the day went on. We got ready to go to a friend's house in New Jersey, and then my chemo took hold, but I was determined to not let it control my day. So I took extra meds, who cared if I was doped up, and remembered little of the night. The memories I have I've posted. They were priceless. Sarah and I curled up on the couch watching the Cowboys vs. Raiders game. She is such a fan of the Cowboys. At least her Aunt Suzanna is proud of that. I just love football, as long as the game is a good one. My son, Ian dragging around 4 kids under the age of 7 with his legs. He'll be sore today. The laughter, the joy that resonated through the house. Frank, Cathy's brother getting lost for 3 hours on the way to the house. Gramma Mary's (Cathy's mom) elation at the gift we got her; a gingerbread ceramic house with a 3 wick candle for inside. Talk of cancer was shared among those who have gone before me, and the fact that there was a chemo nurse there helped too. We shared our war stories, but they quickly melted away into things that were merrier.

After dinner, Sarah and I fell into a turkey induced comma, and pretty much missed the rest of the game. We said our goodbyes, and I think I slept most of the way home. Today was to be Black Friday for us, but I think I'll just enjoy the day with my daughter as we have to pack her up and send her back to LA in the morning. I hate to see her go, but she must go back to work, so you can enjoy her too on Modern Family (ABC Wednesday nights @ 9pm est).

Life is good. The bad things, the low things, the twisted things can be pushed away, easily. Just focus on the joy, the laughter, and the love.

Happy Thanksgiving, and may it last you all the year round.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

THANKSGIVING LASTS ALL WEEK

November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving is more than one day. I have been thankful all of this week. I'm so thankful my daughter is home. I have missed her more than I thought. She makes me laugh, and calms my spirit. Her laugh is infectious. She arrived Sunday morning with no sleep on the red-eye, so needless to say she was red-eyed. We returned home and I made our Thanksgiving Dinner on Sunday while Sarah sat on the couch watching and yelling for the Dallas Cowboys. This is my little girl? The girl who HATED football? So into the game, knowing all the stats of every team in the NFL. I had to laugh, because this is a football house, and before she left for LA she swore she'd never be a fan. And here she sits the biggest fan there is. While Ian is my sou chef, helping me chop veggies, and helping in the kitchen. Role reversal. Funny how life evolves. We sit down to a wonderful dinner and laugh and talk just like old times. Stuffed to the gills, we waddle into the living room and watch tv, and wait for there to be room for pumpkin pie. Sunday was a wonderful day.

Monday is P/T day, and shopping for apartment stuff, taping one of my clients for college applications, and more shopping with Sarah. A full day, I'm tired but I press on, because this week is fleeting, and I don't want to miss a moment of the fun. WE go crazy getting kitchen stuff, and come home with a lot of stuff to ship. We are both exhausted, but can't sleep. I'm dreading Tuesday, chemo day. Sarah's birthday. #3 for me, and #19 for Sarah. Sarah spends the day and the night with her friends, as she should. She has a ball reconnecting with her true friends who love her for who she is, not what they want her to be. I haven't seen or heard her so happy. Not to say she doesn't have great friends in LA, they all just expect her to be someone she isn't. Me, on the other hand, choose a different tack, mainly because I couldn't get to sleep until 2am and then didn't sleep well all night long. So with 3 hours of sleep under my belt, I opted to sleep through chemo. It actually helped, I think. I don't feel as bad as I have with the past two sessions. Wednesday, I'm tired, but the nausea isn't so bad, I was able to make it through my neulasta injection and then go shopping with Sarah at Macy's. Wow, nothing great to get. So it was a bit of an empty session there, but Sarah did get a couple of cute things. We return home both so tired, but a good day was had by all. Sarah's friend spent the night and as per tradition, I made Banana Pancakes. Want a house full of girls? Make Banana Pancakes. My Banana Pancakes. From scratch.

Sleep is near, and Turkey Day is tomorrow. What to be thankful for? My life, My husband, my kids, my friends, my Mom, Luigi, today, yesterday, tomorrow, my kittys, joy, happiness, love, gifts, all that is good, all that is true. Yes, we all have much to be thankful for if only we take the time to look. It is the small things that matter. Big things are great, but it is the smile on a daughter's face as her best friend says something in code that cracks her up. It is the "YES!" from a son who just kicked butt on his video game. It is the hug that comes sneaking up on you from your husband. The out of the blue phone call, the unexpected reconnection to High School friends. It is being halfway through your chemo treatments, and the end is finally looking real. Thanksgiving may only come once a year, but we must look to extend it out, and be thankful every day. I know I look for the thankful things everyday now. It is so wonderful to find something to be thankful for. Try it, you'll make yourself happier, day by day.

Happy Thanksgiving, may your day be special and wonderful in every way.

Nite!

Love and Light!

Melissa

FUN = NOT WRITING

November 21, 2009 Saturday

Here's to feeling great. What a wonderful week I had. Never take a day for granted that you feel good. When you wake in the morning, and you feel alive, you are blessed. Dance twice this week, and it felt so good to dance. I got so caught up in it that I flick kicked too hard and aggravated my right knee that I hurt back in February. So I won't make it to dance today, it's okay, because I've got a lot to do today. Sarah arrives in the morning and I have to ready her room, get her Birthday present, clean the house, finish shopping for our early Thanksgiving Dinner tomorrow night, start prepping the dinner, make dinner for friends who are coming for dinner tonight, etc, etc, etc...

I am taking full advantage of my energy this week.

Thankful. that's what I am. And it comes at the right time. Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. My life, first and foremost. My husband is home, my son is an honor student, my daughter is on a hit series, and will be home for Thanksgiving and her birthday, my beautiful wonderful friends all over this country, my faith, my mom, my family, my in-laws, my cats, my awesome team of medical professionals, and the fact that I wake every morning to the most spectacular sunrises, and go to bed to the most incredible sunsets. Life is good. Poison is turned to medicine. Benefits are plenty. Negatives are rejected.

So I go to my day with as much energy as I have and grateful for it. A nap is on my to do list today so I make it through dinner. My excitement at my daughter arriving in the morning is a powerful drug, and it is hard to contain my tears of joy at the thought of hugging her tight to me; I miss her so much.

Be Thankful for the little things. I know I say the little things all the time, but it truly is the Little Things that matter. Big things are fine, but without the Little Things, life is empty. Find the joy in pushing your little one on a swing in the park, it will soon be a fading memory. Find bliss in the small hand that reaches up and strokes your face as your little one drifts off to sleep, that hand will soon be holding an IPhone 3,000 miles away from you and you won't get to feel that brush against your cheek. Smile when your son suddenly and without warning jumps on you and snuggles up to you, that moment is gone too soon. A smile from a stranger as you hold a door for them, say thank you to your City Bus Driver when you get off the bus at your stop, it means something to them. Just think how happy he/she would feel if even a third of the riders said thank you, and meant it.

Remember to tell your parents that you love them, for they are gone in a heartbeat, and then it's too late. Hug your husband or wife and let the petty fall to the ground, and laugh to yourself when they do something that annoys you. You knew they were like that when you married them, so what did you expect? Love life for all it's worth.

Nite!

Love and Light!

Melissa

HERE'S TO A GREAT WEEK

November 17, 2009 Tuesday

Week 3 of Chemo is the best week. The drugs have long worn off, the side effects have ebbed, and my energy has been restored. Yesterday was my P/T and I got new exercises, and Lauren is happy with my progress. I called Ed after P/T only to find out that he forgot to get Ian lunch while Ian was in his rehearsal for the showcase he is doing, and since I'm out I elect to get him lunch. One snag, I am on the Eastside of Manhattan, by the River and Ian is on the Westside by the Hudson River. So off I hike to Midtown and take a train up to 49th St and then hike the rest of the way. I get lunch for Ian, meet him then return him to school, and head for home. That added trip wiped me out. So exhausted climbing the steps from the subway my legs ached with lactic acid. The bag of food I'm carrying feels like a lead weight. I call Ed and ask him to meet me, and I'm only 6 blocks from home, but the idea of carrying the bag is too much for me. Energy zapped, I slowly walk up the Avenue, and Ed meets me just two blocks from home. I thought I'd sleep once I got upstairs but even that was hard. So I sat and stared at the TV and took in nothing. The plan of doing laundry, gone. The plan of preparing Sarah's part of the room, didn't happen. Just a blob on the couch the rest of the day. Finally, the bed called me and I answered. Sleep came and I woke in the morning ready to face the world.

Today was a day full of energy. I felt great! Ready for jazz class, and happy to see that the day was going to be spectacular. Class was, as always, great fun. It's always a pleasure to dance with Luigi. I wore all black and donned my red silk scarf on my head, very Luigi. My dear friends there to support me, and welcome me back even if it's just for the week. Then the nicest surprise, Curtis came to class. I haven't seen him in soooo long. A talented young man who I love to watch dance. He has such great spirit. A great combination, good friends, amazing talent, and Luigi. It doesn't get better than that. Trust me. The class is my best medicine.

So I returned home today, with a full appetite and loads of energy. But when the energy goes, it goes quickly and completely. So as I type this out with my weary fingers begging for bed, I'm remind myself what a great day I had. Three full days of Great. I intend to enjoy each and every day before next Tuesday's chemo treatment. My daughter will be here in 5 days, and that is the best medicine of all. A hug and a kiss from my beautiful girl. A week of seeing her every day.

Life is good, and I won't forget it.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

GOOD FOOD GOOD FRIENDS

November 15, 2009 Sunday

Explosions are good. They shake things up and when the dust settles things are clearer, and stress is relieved. I woke on Friday feeling so much better. My chemo fog was lifting from my guts although the IBS issues continued but with less of the discomfort. Friday was Parent/Teacher Conference for our son, Ian. Ian's first year in High School, and Ian was nervous about what his grades would be, certain they would be less than A's, he runs on and on that we shouldn't expect what he normally got in Middle School, hoping for B's but afraid of C's. My quiet confidence in him unshaken. So I let him ramble on with excuse after excuse as we walked to the school. You have to understand something about Ian, he is Wicked Smart, and knows it. Those who know him, know just how smart he is. I've been blessed with incredibly smart children, both High Honors students, Math and Science ~ Excelling, Writing ~ Brilliant!, Language ~ good Ears! We wait in the hallway for the Guidance Advisor. At Beacon the parent meets with only the Guidance Advisor, a much more civilized way of doing this school business. If there is a problem, a meeting is set up with the teacher for the class in question. Did I say I LOVE BEACON? Cuz I do. We are met by Ian's Guidance Advisor/Bio-Chem teacher, a kind man who reminds me of Oliver Sacks. Jolly and open with a full beard wizened with grey. We introduce ourselves and he takes in a deep breath, Ian pales a little and Mr. Rosenbluth says, "Well, Ian is just simply doing fantastic." The report card slides across the table and there they are, A's, A-'s, and two B+'s. Spanish and Bio-Chem get the B+'s, but the comments are those two grades are so close to A-'s that even that is negligible. A great participator, asks great questions, always ready to work. The Spanish grade can come up if he goes to tutoring the day before quizzes and tests. The science grade will come up because the teacher is certain that Ian understands how the class works now. We discuss Ian working on a showcase that will have him missing some classes during the next couple of months, but we have tutors at the ready, and Ian understands that it is on him, the big test of his organizational skills to keep his grades up. We shake hands and exit laughing and feeling so PROUD!

We do some errands and head home to rest for the rest of the night. Dinner at Roe's house. Dinner at Roe's house is always a fun evening. Our friends Michael and Elle come up from Florida, Mark and Alice come from Brooklyn and then our host, the lovely Rosemarie, aka Roe. Roe thinks of everything. Knowing my chemo malady and limited food palette, Roe has made food just for me, and food for everyone else. Mark and Alice bring their Swedish Meatballs (of which I can't have Boo!), and Michael and Elle arrive fashionably late. Much is made of my new "Hairdo" the head tied up in a scarf learned from the woman from Trinidad days earlier. We speak only briefly of the cancer, and quickly move on to better topics. Good Friends, Good Food, and then Mark and Alice break out Christmas presents for all of us. I get a lovely vintage Echo scarf (eat your hearts out), Ed and the others get videos and CD's of music put together by Mark. We move to dinner and while others munch on meatballs and Lemon Roasted Chicken, I get the special chicken made just for me. Although the chicken is simply made with no seasoning, it is delicious. Beets, yummy. Noodles, plain but I needed seconds. Asparagus, perfect. I suddenly had an appetite. Michael teases me to slow down, and can't believe how much I'm eating. But it was so good, I couldn't stop. Dessert arrives, Tiramisu for the masses, canned peaches for the Queen. We laugh and joke about me taking out advertising on my bald head to help pay for chemo. Any takers? It will be expensive. ; P

But all good things come to an end. Cinderella stayed too long at the Ball, and when this Cinderella stays too long, the bathroom is the pumpkin. The rest of my evening was locked in the bathroom. Shit. Figuratively and Literally. Ed helps me into a cab and I sleep all the way home. Chemo related IBS I Hate you. You ruin my fun. Yesterday was spent resting and feeling gurgly and gross.

I watched the heart-stopping Nebraska vs. Kansas game. Of which Nebraska won. GO BIG RED!! But really guys, I stayed too long at the Ball last night, you could have played more convincingly, that would have helped my gut. I tried to clean the kid's room to prepare for Sarah's return for the Holiday, but only got as far as the declaration. Perhaps today, but I doubt it. For I have things to do, places to go, and people to meet. I'm having a girl's out Brunch and then I coach my college bound girl for two hours this evening. Maybe the boys will surprise me with a clean organized room upon my return. Come on, one can dream...

Here's to a week full of feeling good. I plan on Dance class this week, my goal, three classes. My daughter returns in one week. My son is an Honor Student, and I have wonderful friends!

IBS is an annoyance, it doesn't rule my life. I have more good than bad in my life. I'm lucky! I'm blessed! I'm still here!

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

EXPLOSIONS

November 12,2009 Thursday

Well, it's been several days since last I posted. Funny how time flies when you don't feel good. The past few days have been filled with nausea, IBS, and just plain not feeling good. I'm more tired now. So I guess my hemoglobin is dropping. And with my not feeling good, my temper and my patience have lost control. Yesterday was the boiling over point for me. I lost my temper and my emotions over something so stupid and mundane, it shakes me. I guess I should have known, my "horoscope" called it.

Anyone who triggers your feelings will receive a signal (and the transmission quality will be very loud and very clear) that their challenge has been accepted. Whether or not they intended this little emotional prod to be a dare of sorts won't matter. Your response will be the same. Duck!

Should have listened. But I was in a good mood to start the day, even though I was fighting the nausea. Saw the shoulder surgeon who removed my lypoma on my shoulder for the 6 week follow-up and even though it took an hour to be seen, the wait was worth it. While waiting in the waiting area I spied with my little eye a beautiful African-American woman who lit up the room. Dressed to impressed in lime green linen and big bold gold net spun earrings and a scarf tied in a way I just had to know how it was done. So I asked her. She jumped up sat down next to me and said, "I could show you, it's easy." So right there, she unfurls the scarf and demonstrates with the ease of a pro just how to do it. The waiting room was amazed as we sat there and watched in awe. Then she says to me, "You can do it with that scarf." and points to my pashmina laying next to me. I find myself unfurling the silk scarf I was wearing and reveal the my very bald head. The woman looks at me and says, "Why would you want to cover that beautiful head?" The "crowd" agrees, and I respond, "Because it's cold today." We all laugh and I have my lesson on tying a long scarf to look like a bun set tight to the nape of my neck. We became fast friends, Cancer has a way of doing that. She from Trinadad with a daughter she misses in Boston, Me a New Yorker who misses her daughter in Los Angeles. We spoke only briefly of our maladies. We focused on being moms, and how inspiring our daughters were to us. Then the long wait was over, and we both wished the doctors had taken longer to see us.

I got a good report from the doctor, who will see me in 6 months to follow up. The visit lasted :60, the report, "Well, you certainly heal quickly. Whatever you are doing, keep it up. See you in 6 months." And we were gone. The visit was not a waste of time, however, I learned how to do a great "hairdo", and met an inspirational woman who will battle her cancer way longer than I. Ed and I head home, and the nausea returns, the cramping the frequent visits to the bathroom and then, my day implodes with a series of unwanted phone calls.

The errant fax call. The wrong number, over and over again. Every two minutes. I know who the intended fax is for and today is the wrong day to be annoying me with this. Remember this company's name ~ BALTER SALES. The bane of my land line existence for the past 20 years. For years now we have received calls from companies trying to place their fork, glass, and plate orders for their restaurants with us. They call us, "Balter Sales?" They fax us, (*&*^&^$^%$*&beep...beep...beep. Years ago, when I didn't have the money, I even went out and got a fax machine to make it stop. Once I received the faxes I'd call the companies to tell them of their error. I was usually met with rudeness and disdain. I found that odd since I was trying to help them (No good dead goes unpunished) So I would call Balter Sales and oddly enough was met with the same rudeness and disdain and they even went so far as to say that we were somehow to blame for this. Over the years Balter Sales has become the enemy. Irene, Iris, and Linda (the office workers?) are the biggest Bitches on the planet. Here I call to HELP them out. The last time I spoke with Linda I promised her that if she didn't fix the problem I would simply accept the faxes and shred them, because I was not obligated to help her out. She told me I was evil. She told me to change my phone number. Something we will NOT do since we've had this number for over 30 years. Not going to happen. I've suggested they send out a special memo to the companies that they serve with their fax number extra big and suggest that the persons sending faxes double check to make sure they have entered the number correctly. "Why on Earth would we do that?! We don't have to help you." Well, I don't have to help them. Times is Hard Mr. Todd, and when you practice bad business, bad business will bring you down.

So that is the back story, back to yesterday. Ed was jumping up every two minutes to hang up the phone, so I, in my impatience with the 'toddler' game, flared, "Just plug in the fax, it's probably for Balter!" Ed struggled with the tangle of cords just to find the damn fax jack, plugs it in just in time for the phone to start again. The fax machine jumps to life, and spews out exactly what I thought would happen, an order for Glassware and FORKS. Thanksgiving is coming when the Balter Sales faxes come pouring in. So I told Ed to call the company and let them know they dialed the wrong number and they need to recheck. Ed does not listen to me, he calls Balter Sales. WHY!? WHY DID HE DO THIS?! They immediately jump on him, I could hear Irene, with her obnoxious Brooklyn dialect all nasally. Ed is like, hey I'm trying to help you out here. So I interject, because I know what's going to happen next, "Just hang up and let them suffer the consequences. He tells me to be quiet. Which angers me. So I snort and say let Ed suffer the consequences. Back and forth they go, with Ed trying to give constructive advice, and the bitch on the other end of the line giving him hell. So finally, he gets Linda on the phone, and the whole ANNOYING thing starts all over again. So I interject again. "She does so know who this is, we go way back Linda, remember?" Ed tells me to SHUT UP. I say, "No!, just hang up on them, they will only change things when they start losing business. Shred the order." Ed tells me to GDamn it, woman, shut the Hell up. So, it's going to be like that is it? I jump up, slap him as hard as I can storm to my room and slam the door, and begin to cry, cry hard. Not because of Balter Sales, not because Ed said shut the Hell up, but because I just feel so crappy, and I hate what I'm going through, and I hate feeling nauseous all the time, and I hate that I've forgotten to put me first AGAIN. I hate that I'm trying to be all upbeat and funny when what I want, what I need is to curl up in a ball and have someone strong hold me tight and tell me to cry and they will take care of everything. Go ahead be afraid, be weak, be sad, be anything you want, I've got it all covered. But I'm married to an actor, who always comes home in the true form of actor convinced that he will never work again, weighed down with a wife who has cancer,who is usually the rock, the pep squad, the normalizer. An Unemployment claim that is totally messed up and of course we are getting the raw end of the deal. Add a little anxiety and I fall back into the mode of "It's not about you, keep Ed happy...." Well, Damnit! It is about me right now. I'm mad, I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm not feeling well, the list goes on and on.

Ed comes back and yells at me, I tell him to go away, I do not want him in the same room with me. Ian comes back confused, I yell at both of them, "GO AWAY!!!!!! BOTH OF YOU!!!!" Ian knows when to leave, Ed remains. My anger, frustration, fear, sorrow, the reality of being cut up and into, and now poisoned spew from me in hot angry flows of magma and ash and scalding steam. "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!!!! I HATE EVERYTHING!!!!!" I get hysterical and sob uncontrollably, and Ed stung with hurt and anger himself, storms out of the room. I cried for a long time and after a period of time comes a timid knock at the door. I knew it was Ian. He enters quietly, curls up next to me, and says, "I love you Momma." I melt into tears once again, but these tears are gratitude. My strong brave son knew without being told exactly what I needed. A HUG. He held me for quite awhile and stroke my bald head and told me I was beautiful. My anger calmed, my frustration ebbed, and my fear receded. I have the most wonderful boy in the world, and the girl who will land him in the end will be the luckiest girl in the world. Compassionate, kind, and loving. Ian in three words.

Eventually, Ed and I made up. Obviously, the danger of not living every feeling, the danger of stuffing down emotions to spare others has a cost, Explosions. Lesson learned. Not a perfect day, Wednesday night and no Modern Family, no definitely not a perfect day. But I learned how to tie a scarf that makes me look like royalty.

Today, is a day to make up for yesterday's wrongs. Balter Sales will never receive a fax received here. They will never be called again as a helpful neighbor. I intend to make good on the promise to print their faxes and promptly shred them. I don't have to take care of anyone but me right now. People who don't want to help themselves and blame others for their problems are banned from my house. So tough luck Balter. Good luck with your business, you've done it to yourself. How about you change your phone numbers. HA!

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

HEARTBURN

November 8, 2009 Sunday

We all suffer from heartburn at one time or another. The spicy buffalo wings on Game Night, or too much pepperoni pizza out with the gang, we all have felt the burn. Usually the burn is the end result of too much fun, too much food, too much drink, but when the heartburn comes from Chemo, it just plain sucks. We take Tums, Rolaids, Baking Soda, Alka-Seltzer, Pepcid, Prilosec, the list goes on and on. They all pretty much work for the normal garden variety heartburn. For Chemo heartburn... not so good! You don't have to eat or drink anything too offensive; just eat or drink. The burn is not so much a burn but a sour feeling, full of gas that bubbles up in burning spurts. Peppermint chewing gum works for a bit, but how much gum can a person chew in one day? So it seems unfair that the mildest thing, such as Oatmeal, can cause such upset all day long. so a Chemo patient nibbles on things, bread, crackers, protein, WATER!!! But still the sour lingers, the pickling of the liver and gall bladder, I suppose. NO tomatoes, NO orange juice, NO spice of any kind! No Ketchup, No Mustard, No Vinegar, No FLAVOR!!! And make no mistake about it, Black Pepper is NOT your friend and should be avoided at all cost.

Such is my day. Full of sour burn. Tired of burning my throat with chemo acid. Tired, just tired from the the chemo, the drugs. It's the Sunday after Chemo, never a good day. I didn't sleep well, yet I had a hard time waking up. Once up, I kept lagging into that half there daze. Ed and I went over to Kung Fu with Ian, and that was so great to see Seymour and Burt and the kids. We ducked into our local Starbucks for tea and my nibble (hard-boiled egg and bagel kit) and lo and behold ran into a dear friend. So we hugged and chatted, caught up and then Ian finished class, we sat a while longer, and returned home to get Ian ready for Ballroom class. By then the sour heartburn set in for the rest of the day, not to be relieved. So I rested, propped up, as any good chemo patient will tell you, and drank my water, ate my Pepcid (doesn't work, don't know WHY I waste the money) and then met Ian later to buy him a pair of new sneakers since the Converse he owns are taped to his feet. With new sneakers in tow, a trip to Whole Foods, a bag full of greens, beets, ginger root, and carrots, Ed and I head home to try yet another "remedy". Juicing.

Juicing is great! I own a juicer, and the fresh taste can't be beat. The mixture of apple, beet, carrot, Chard, and ginger root is so refreshing, that I wonder why we dropped doing it at all. But even though the juice is excellent, and I thoroughly enjoy it, the sour burn remains. Dinner doesn't sound good, because it matters little what I put on my tongue, it will be sour in the end. Juicing I will continue, because I know it is good for me. Fresh ingredients, right there, at the ready. As for the heartburn, just a Damn nuisance. Any ideas??? Please don't hesitate to let me know. I'll try anything at least once and give it a try if it will cut the burn, the sour, the irritation of my esophagus.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

END OF THE WEEK

November 7, 2009 Saturday

We are always thankful for the end of the week. A weekend of No Work. To be able to sleep in, perchance. To spend time with your family. Get chores done, you couldn't get done during your busy week. Go see a movie, hang with friends, or go on a date....For me, the end of this week is acupuncture. Thank God for that. I woke this morning feeling completely disjointed. My mind in a complete fog. How I hate the steriods. They make you so fuzzy. I feel like one of those actors on the Soaps who have been slipped a 'mickey' and the camera blurs in and out, and the room "spins", and the only thing I don't get is the Hot Guy right before the actress passes out. Dang it!

So I get up and get a bowel of shredded wheat and soy milk, since Milk kills my gut. The world is asleep, Ian and Ed both snoozing away this morning while I, poor soul, can't sleep, but feel as if at any moment I will pass out. So I harvest on Farmville, my new obsession, check email, cut checks, and do paperwork. All the while wishing I could sleep. Ed soon wakes up and joins me, followed by the dragging heels of my tousle-headed teenage boy. The house slowly comes to life, and I find I have to get ready for acupuncture. So I head for the shower and feel very uncertain about being in the shower by myself. This fog is so annoying. I grip the soap dish for balance and shower and with it try to wash the fog away, it doesn't work. By the time I'm done with my shower, I feel the need to lay down to get my center.

Mom calls, and she sounds so happy to be home. I'm happy for her, she must have missed her friends so much. Her house is covered in dust from being away so long, being she lives in Surprise, AZ. Dust is a big problem out there. But she doesn't care, she is home, with her friends, and majong, and her big comfy chairs. I'm so glad she came to help out while Ed was gone, and it is not lost on me the sacrifice she made for me, especially on her back since we lack comfortable seating. We speak for a bit, but I realize I have to go to acupuncture. So Ed and I bolt out the door, leaving Ian to his own devices.

I adore Jackie Payne! She is so good. After treatment, I feel better, my gut is calmer, my head less fuzzy, and my appetite is back. I still have balance issues, that usually stays for several days after chemo. That is why I have Ed with me, to keep me on the platform. ; P We head downtown to meet Ian at Union Square Park to give the teenager $$ to hang with his friends, Happy Birthday Maddy! and then we head to Pret a Manger to share a sandwich before I go to Toso at SGI (chanting). I tried to go for an hour, but my heartburn kicks in and makes it impossible to continue, so 15 minutes into chanting I have to stop, and admit defeat for today. I clearly did too much today. So I return home with Ed who selflessly makes dinner. And Ed making dinner is a Big Deal, because I knew he couldn't cook when I met him. But it was a good steak dinner with sweet potatoes and asparagus.

So now I search to watch Nebraska play Oklahoma and hope that Nebraska will think of me tonight and play like the Huskers of yester-year. Go Black Shirts, don't forget the gal who cheered for you during the labor of her first borne. Go go Huskers. Go Big Red!!!!!

Give me a perfect ending of a good day. WIN UNL WIN.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

TV CANCER SUPPORT

November 5, 2009 Thursday

I would like to take the time to thank all the shows out there that are supporting me and all the other cancer patients out there. First there's JR on All My Children who went so far as to really shave his head on TV, Live! I hope to look so good through all the chemo that has him puking his guts out all the time. His color is awesome! and in only a two month period of time, he is in remission with his Leukemia. Amazing!!!! Wonder how long it will last? Next I'd like to thank Callista Flockhart for bravely taking on Kitty's Lymphoma. Only problem I have is how bad she looked after just one treatment. She looked to be on death's door. Already sunken in with dark circles? Come on. Don't scare us. We don't look that bad on the first chemo treatment. Maybe it's because she needs to eat a burger. She hasn't lost her hair yet, will she? Or will she be too vain to take it all off? Felicity Huffman wasn't too scared to shave on Desperate Housewives...come on Callista, don't be a wimp. Izzy on Grey's Anatomy, with her Brain Crazy Cancer, and how she beat the odds, yet now, she won't show up for her treatments; just Bone-Headed. But major props goes to S. Epatha Merkerson on Law & Order. She is the best of the best. Her performance believable, her struggle real, she rocks my world and makes me believe I can do it. I can live with the treatment and do all that I need to do. So while I struggle with this Cancer, and the treatment I thank the writers and producers and the actors out there bringing it forward and not letting us sweep it under the rug.

Today, I am tired. Very tired, but I managed to do the laundry with the help of Ed, my wonderful husband. I am so ready for bed, and will head there soon. The meds make me sleepy, and the nausea is beginning to come on for the weekend. Thank God I have an acupuncturist appointment on Saturday. So with all the great cancer themes out there in TV land, I thank you on behalf of all of us struggling with Cancer. Glad to share the journey with you all. Just do us proud.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

DAY AFTER CHEMO #2

November 4, 2009 Wednesday

What a difference a session makes. I went to my Chemo #2 yesterday, got my bloods drawn, and headed up to the Doctor's office to have my check up before chemo and get the results of the morning blood draw. And the news continues to be good. My white blood cell count is 10,400 (very good), my hemoglobin was 11 down from 11.4. Still, not so bad. If it drops below 11 we'll have to discuss transfusion, anyone out there in the NYC area a clean O+? Just in case? So after the usual, "You amaze me that you don't look sick" discussion and how much he loved my wig, Dr. Speyer sent me downstairs for Chemo. By the way, I made him openly laugh. And now I'm convinced he is related to Ed Begley, Jr., because when I told him my wig was Sarah's from a prior Halloween, he responded, " Well, good for you! You are going green by reusing, recycling, reducing!" Gotta be at least a cousin.

I head downstairs to Chemo treatment. Tuesday was super crowded at the center. My appointment was at 12:30pm, but it was 10:45am, so Cathy and I waited in the waiting room, and I was telling Cathy that she really must quit smoking and I thought that chanting would help her. I said whenever she feels the urge to smoke she should take that moment to chant Nam Moyoho Renge Kyo until the urge goes away. This will help you to quit. So we sat discussing what it's done to help me, and a beautiful African-American woman approached us, and asked, "Are you a practicing Buddhist?" To which I responded, "Are you a member of SGI?" And from there we were fast friends. She is from Queens and has been chanting for over 30 years. Our journeys linked together by Breast Cancer. Funny how that happens. Both of us positive happy souls, taking this Winter on with the assured knowledge of the impending Spring. So we promised to chant for each other, and I hope to be there when the bell rings three times for her when her chemo is done. She was called in for treatment, and I felt so happy that I've met someone who gets the power of those amazing words ~ Nam Moyoho Renge Kyo.

I got called in at Noon, but the fancy chairs weren't available so a got a room with a bed, which turned out to be better for me that day, because Ed joined us and the room was larger than the chair rooms, and I got to lay down and fade in and out. Cathy and I ordered lunch and each gave the other one half of our sandwiches because we both couldn't decide which one to get. We shared stories, and watched One Life To Live and I got high on Benadryl and Ed showed up, and we had a great time. My Chemo nurse Katy is leaving to work with Kids with Cancer at Sloan Kettering. I just Know they will love her, she is so sweet. I will miss her, and somehow I didn't get her, but I got my daughter's namesake, Sarah. Sarah is from Canada, and she is so cute! So I'm hoping that I get to have her for the rest of the time I have chemo. I was at the center for 7 hours!!!! The Pharmacy sent up a recalled Carboplatin bag in which the tubing had been recalled because it made the IV pump falsley read large air bubbles. So we tried to make it work, but of course it didn't, so we had to wait for the pharmacy to send up a good bag, and that ate the time. So we finally got sprung at 5PM and headed home.

I have to say, I felt pretty great. I lacked that disorientation this time around, no headache, no super doped. We got home and Ed's co-actor in Seafarer, Michael Judd, called and was in the neighborhood at a restaurant and invited us over. We had just gotten back from the market, but we tossed everything into the frig and headed over to see Michael because he is heading back to Ireland today, and who knows when we'll see him again. What a great evening. I had Lentil soup. Very mild, not spicy! And it tasted so great! We met new people, and they were as lovely as Michael. But par for the course, My energy began to wane, so we said our goodbyes, and promised Michael that we would come visit in Ireland next year, because Ian had declared it so. I came home, printed sides for Ian for his auditions today, ran lines, and crashed into bed.

I slept so easily last night, and I woke up refreshed and happy, feeling good, not sick like last time. No headache, no nausea, no gurgling bowel. So what was the difference? I spoke to the Doctor about the issues I had. The headaches, the IBS symptoms and the unending diarreha, and we all came to the same conclusion, that I must have had a virus. The low-grade fever should have been a sign, I just didn't put it all together. We discussed a different plan of attack should the Grip return, and I'm confident that I won't have this issue with this Treatment.

Today is a busy day, I have to take Ian to two auditions, a play and a pilot. Ed has two commercial auditions, and at 5PM I head up to the Cancer Center for my Neulasta injection. Then I'll tuck in for the night, kiss my boys, and hopefully get the dates from Sarah so I can book her flight home for Thanksgiving. Then I'll crawl into bed with my sweetie and sleep peacefully.

I have so much to be thankful for, and they are the simple things. Be appreciative of the simple things, The Big Things are random and wonderful, however, they are often times far apart. It is the simple things, the everyday mundane, teeny tiny happy things that matter the most. So find at least 3 things today that make you happy. Something that just makes that smile creep across your face. Life is good, you just have to open your eyes and your heart to get it.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

THE DAY BEFORE CHEMO #2

November 3, 2009 Tuesday

Yesterday was the day before Chemo #2, and boy did I make the most of it. My day started with prepping The Red Menace Wig that won my FB Wig of the Week Contest. I put on makeup! Something I rarely do. Donned my wig and headed out the door for my P/T with mom. Lauren loved my look. Mom took pictures to prove I wore the wig about town. While out I wore my new silk Oscar scarf and my big sunglasses to hold the hairs in place, and Mom said I looked like Jackie O! Well, why wouldn't I? My daughter had played Jackie for 2 1/2 years in Grey Gardens! Of course I did. After P/T, which is going along quite well, thank you, we jumped in a cab and headed across town to Luigi. I promised I'd be there, no matter what, and I had a lot of gals expecting me. Stuck in traffic, thanks a lot Dancing With The Stars, we finally gave up and walked the last three blocks. I quick changed into my dance gear, and headed into class. Luigi was leading the last set of stretches and suddenly his class abandoned him, and headed toward me for hugs. Luigi was like, "Who is hugging my class?" "It's me, Melissa, wearing my wig!" "Why the Hell are you wearing a wig?" So I lifted my wig to show my bald head. He hugged me. We all laughed and went back to work. Just doing the last group of exercises, the cool down, had me all heated up from the wig, so I took it off and danced sans wig. What a freeing experience. I love this class, and I know I've said this before, but I'll say it frequently, because when you have something this special, you will praise it all the time. Here is a group of beautiful women and men who share a love of dance. Most of us danced as a career in the past, most of us can't dance professionally any more, but the dance never left us, and the desire lives on, and this class feeds our souls. It's Group Therapy. We support each other, and we laugh, and have fun, and we are still pretty damn good. We range in age from as young as 8 to 84. We are short and tall, thin and full-figured, fully-abled and disabled, and still we move, we never stop moving. Luigi is our medicine. He always makes you fill like the star. He is encouraging, exacting, and always kind. He imparts stories from years gone by, and has the most sayings of anyone I know. The best known ~ Never Stop Moving! My favorite ~ Put it in the Right Place Before You Make the Move. And ~ When You Learn Something Wrong and Do It Long Enough That Way, You Learn It Right Wrong. So to my Mentor, I LOVE you from the bottom of my heart! Thank you for sharing your heart, your skill, your story.

After dance, a dear friend, Ester, took mom and me to lunch across the street to a small French Bistro. I love this woman. She is tiny, and full of energy. Ester is 84 years Young! She moves like she's 30 and dresses just as hot. She always looks fantastic, and always has a smile on her face. Her face is care worn, and yet she looks youthful and as if she has 84 years to live. We had a wonderful time, so wonderful that we lost track of time and Mom and I had to rush to get back downtown so I wouldn't be late for my coaching client at four. I met with my two clients who are coming along nicely, and I tried to emulate the same encouraging spirit of Luigi. Sharing my knowledge and supporting the theory of Getting it in the right place before making the move. It's harder with acting, the concepts aren't physical, rather mental. Get your head in that right place before you open your mouth. See that sky, that room you're in. Feel the mood, the emotion before you open your mouth. Imagination is a funny thing. Some have imagination in spades, others must learn what it is.

Ed was home when we got to the house. It's so wonderful to have him home. My other half is here now, to help me go on, and now Mom packs to return to her home in Arizona after being gone for 2 months. Ian got back from school and after my last client we headed up to the movie theater to see Zombieland. What a sick twisted movie. Laughing in places we shouldn't, oh so many wrong things. Bill Murray and his cameo, best thing EVER! We had so much fun, it was truly back to normal. I'll take one day of normal over weeks of so-so. It doesn't even matter that today I dive back into Hell. I had such a wonderful day yesterday that it will carry me through the week.

My mom left for the airport this morning to return to Arizona. Ed drove her there and will meet me at the cancer center later. My son has the day off from school, and will hang with his friends. Cathy, my BFF will be my Chemo buddy today, and I will don my Red Menace Wig to make my oncologist laugh. More pictures will be taken to prove I wore it. I will talk to someone about getting a real wig to wear and drugs will be given, the drug induced high will come on me, and I will remember little for the next few days. But that said, I love my life. I'm happy, and know that I am winning this battle. I feel not just good, but GREAT! A positive attitude, a good healthy dose of humor, a circle of beautiful friends, a family that loves you, and an awesome team of health care providers makes the difference, not to mention faith makes for the best outcome. I've learned that you don't just need this when faced with an obstacle like mine, this is available to you every single day. Be good to yourself today, do something that makes you laugh from deep inside you, and tell that special someone just how much you love them, even if it means taking a risk. You never know, you may get the same in reply. In the wise words of Edie Beale, "Choose to Be Happy!"

Nite!

Love and Light!

Melissa