POST CHRISTMAS BLAHS

December 29, 2009 Tuesday

Christmas has come and gone, and though it was great to have Sarah home for the Holiday, it was a week full of illness. Sarah and I were attacked by the Sinus Monster. Dry Air and Cold Weather were not our friends. The humidifier helped, but was a little to little, a little too late. We got out for the last two days of her trip home, and even though I didn't feel well, I didn't say a word, for I didn't want to not go out with her for lunch and shopping.

My friend Erin came over Sunday for a wig party. Erin was the wig mistress on Grey Gardens on Broadway, and very talented at what she does. So after much juggling of schedules we finally got together to play with wigs. I have two right now, thanks to Erin. Both bobs, one blonde and one dark brunette. I like the blonde. Not a peroxide blonde, but a dark Blonde, good for my skin tone and sassy. Erin is styling a human hair wig that will be more like my real hair. Close to my hair before chemo. I still like going bald, it's more comfy. Wigs are hot and make me itch. But it is fun to change it up, and to be honest, the scarves are getting old. So we tried on many wigs, and laughed at some and oohed at others. Then Brunch as a thank you for Erin's time and the loan of the wigs. Sarah and I then headed to SoHo for some New Year's Eve dress shopping. It is so important to look great when you are young. Me? I'll throw on something clean and decent, don my sassy blonde wig and head to Inwood to bring in a better year with my Cancer Vixen friend Cheryl.

The next day, I didn't feel good, but shopping was not done, so I bit down and forged forth with Sarah not feeling well. I think we both acted as if we were fine, not wanting to disappoint the other. The air was cold and the wind was mean, but we pushed forward, undaunted by the frigid weather. Met with Warren and Kia, and then headed home to fall apart with tears and anger at not feeling well. Packed, ate, and went to bed. By the time my head hit the pillow the lymph node in my neck was so sore that to simply touch it made me cry out in pain.

The night passed fitfully, and the morning came too soon, and then Sarah was gone, off on her plane to take her to warmer weather. Me left behind, wishing I could go with her, to the better temperatures. My low-grade fever growing more and more nagging, the lymph node now screaming in pain, I called the doctor and now I must go to the office tomorrow for blood work and a visit. Ah! the cost of chemo. Lowering the white blood cell count has its price. I can only hope this doesn't derail Chemo #5 on Tuesday. I want this over on schedule, no delays because of weather related illnesses.

I'm so envious of my daughter who now is in the warmth of LA. So she basks in the sun while I cower under mounds of blankets and shawls as the vicious wind howls outside and shakes the windows and rattles the doors in its attempt to penetrate our walls to freeze us. Winter is here.

Stay warm!

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

December 26, 2009 Saturday

Expectations. The American Heritage Dictionary defines 'expectation' as "the act of expecting", "Eager expectation" To expect is "To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of" or "To presume; suppose".

With Great Expectations comes Great Disappointment. The Holidays are usually full of of this. Kids getting lots of toys, but somehow the one they "really" wanted wasn't there. The promise of no "family drama" falls into chaos. The thrill of travel to relatives dashed by the blizzard that locks us in, and shuts down airports, highways, and rails. Congress' promise to work in bi-partisan support to bring Americans Health Care Reform, and then gives into Insurance Lobbyists and leaves us out in the cold without hope. Yes, December was full of Great Expectations. And much like Charlie Brown and that football, we trust that this time Lucy won't pull the ball away, and we always fall flat on our back. So, why do we do it? Hold these Great Expectations? It will always not be what we expect. There will always be a "could've been better", "it wasn't what I expected", "why does it always dissolve into this".

Such was the Holiday week for me. My daughter arrived Monday to the bitter cold of NYC, and within hours both of us fell sick to the super dry air, couldn't enjoy each other's company, and then the bickering started. After hours of trying to bull through, and suggest fun things to do together as a family I gave up in disgust and went to bed. The day ruined by the old routines of bickering among siblings, pissing contests between Father and Son, eye rolling and whining between Father and Daughter. Hurt feelings for stupid things, and tempers flaring over petty differences. My Great Expectations of Family Fun dashed in less than 24 hours. My explosion extraordinary, as I blew out the of the room to escape the usual family drama of the Holidays. I kicked Ed out of the bedroom, and cried with the only living things that don't judge, the cats. Several attempts from Ian finally melted my armor and allowed him to snuggle in apology. Then came Sarah, and at last Ed, but why had it taken me melting down to bring us together?

The next day, I was very sick, with a fever that bumped 100, and that began to make me nervous. My water consumption was not to be sated, 7 glasses of water before 10 am with no relief in site for the dehydrated feeling I owned; Sarah in much the same condition. The Great Expectation of seeing a Holiday movie, gone. Dentist office for Sarah's cleaning and home in the bitter bitter cold, and that was the end of the day, over, kaput. Food made, food pushed away, bed. Wednesday brought much the same result. Doctor's appointment and home. Finally the humidifier hooked up and running trying as hard as it could to pump moisture into the air. Relief beginning to gain ground on my sinuses. By Thursday my body began to feel less like a dried out sponge and my temperature finally returning to normal. But Sarah is feeling worse, and I'm thinking "Why did I make her come home? She wouldn't have gotten ill if she stayed in LA. I'm a terrible mother. How selfish am I?" Ah! old habits die hard. As if I knew she would get a cold if she came home for Christmas. Sure! Bad Mommy! So as I lay down to rest for the tenth time that day, I hear the door close, so I go out to see who left and to my surprise, it was Sarah. Ed tells me she's gone for a walk. Odd, since she informed me upon arrival that she would not leave the house until she left the for airport. A walk? So time passes and the doorbell rings, I peek out the peephole and see a tree. Sarah has returned with a tree. "It just isn't Christmas without a tree."

Do you see what happens when Great Expectations are dropped? Wonderful things happen when you DON'T Expect. Joy was infused like a balm with the purchase of a tree, a 6' tree. Beautiful in its simplicity, perfection. It brought us together, and we began to laugh and enjoy. Suddenly baking was happening, tree trimming, and cats going crazy to climb the tree and knock at the ornaments. Dinner on the table and everyone around it. Laughing and conversation, real conversation. Then Christmas movies and us all piled up together as a family, enjoying the simple things of life. Company.

Christmas morning I felt great, so I woke early to make the Christmas morning feast. Fruit salad, Banana Bread, Cranberry Bread, and Quiche. We slept in, well, everyone else did, and we enjoyed the quiet of the day. Later that day Ed, Ian and I went to Rose and Roy's home for Christmas dinner. Sarah stayed behind still not feeling that well, but she had company, so all was well. The Evening ended well with good food, good friends, and lively conversation. The joy of just letting things be was the lesson. It is only with "expectation" that we can be disappointed. So, for the rest of the weekend, no more expectations, I promise to just let things be. If we see a movie, fine, if not, also fine. Just being in the same room is enough for me now.

Nite!

Love and Light!

Melissa

THE BIG SNOW STORM

December 20, 2009 Sunday

NYC got its big snow storm, the first of the season last night. I slept fitfully through the night, up and down, head of the bed, foot of the bed, so forth and so on through the night. I gave up at 7am and got up. Ian had a friend spend the night, so I tried to tip-toe around in my feeble attempt to not wake the lad. It didn't work. So the boys got up, I made banana pancakes and the boys devoured them. Then I was spent. It was 9am and I was done for the day. The snow was beautiful, and as always not as much as predicted, but lovely all the same. It made it feel a bit more like Christmas. Ian and his friend headed out for the day, while Ed and I tried to do laundry. Tried, the operative word. The snow gave everyone else the same great idea, DO LAUNDRY! We finally got it done late in the afternoon. Just another boring day here at the Hyland house. But with the boring comes the predictable, Chemo Sunday. The chemo burn had returned, and left me begging for mercy. I'm so tired of being tired, so tired of feeling the burn, so tired of the predictability of pain.

This week is going to be difficult on two levels, one it's week 2 of chemo treatment, always physically hard and draining, and two because it's Christmas week and there will be no "normal" Christmas here. No tree, no decorations, no presents, no money, no nothing. Nothing but stress if we let it in. Something I fight with every fiber of my being. This year, it will be more "Gift of the Magi" than "The Santa Clause" Back to simpler things, like love of family, and home baked goods, sharing laughter, glad to be all together. Perhaps the LIFE game will make an appearance, perhaps this time, I'll win the game. That would really be something. WE have the Wii, and lots of movies we can curl up to. Lots of hugs and kisses, maybe some chocolate, for life just can't be the same without it.

Back to basics, away from the monetary. Enjoy your Christmas, and don't feel bad for us, it's just a reality check. Time to slow down and realize what's really important. My daughter arrives in the morning, my son loves me, this I know, because he hangs on me like a monkey. My husband dotes on me with extra concern, and though he tries to cook, it always falls this side of good, but it's dinner, and I love him for the attempt. My friends are worth everything I own, old and new, and I have two cats that love me no matter what. Cancer would like to think it has robbed us of Christmas and all that we hold dear, but Cancer would be wrong, dead wrong. It took our money, it's strained our lives, but it hasn't taken what is most important to us, and that is family. If anything, it's made family stronger, better, more flexible. With faith anything is possible, remember that. Don't be afraid to feel bad for yourself, just don't let it linger too long.

On two sides of one coin, life and death, this week, a new friend made it through her surgery, and went home today, and for that I'm so eternally happy for her and her family; on the other side of the coin, our dear next door neighbor suddenly passed away from complications that arose from his own battle with cancer this week, and has left us and his family devastated. It seems unfair that one must die and one gets to live, but life is seldom fair on the surface. Pray for those who have passed on and for their families, but also pray for the continued healing of those spared by the fickleness of death.

In the words of Tiny Tim ~ "God Bless Us, Everyone!"

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

PRAYERS FOR BEVERLY

December 17, 2009 Thursday

Today, please take a moment to pray for a stranger, Beverly. She is a Cancer Vixen. Her breast Cancer has spread to her brain, and she is undergoing brain surgery right now. Pray for her complete victory in getting it all, and a complete recovery. She is young, and deserves every chance she can get. She has a lot to offer the world, and we will benefit from all that she will give.

It is an opportunity to care. There are many faces to cancer, young/old/female/male/fat/thin/tall/short/happy/mean/giving/selfish, they all deserve a prayer. Please go beyond the circle of friends you have that suffer from this disease. It is a way of correcting your karma.

I am not doing as well as I was yesterday, but I'm not surprised. I had an extraordinary day yesterday, feeling too good to be true. I did what I had to do yesterday, but measured my day with rest. Last night the heartburn began and I knew I was returning to the "norm" of the chemo course. My energy is low low low, and I will rest the rest of the day, in hopes of getting to go for a short period of time to Ed's and Ian's Agent's Christmas Party as a reward. I'll load up on compazine and hope for the best.

Christmas is coming and nothing has been done around the house. Perhaps the smallest of Charlie Brown Christmas trees will help lift the spirits. It's too too cold out today, I don't like the cold, and feeling run down makes the cold harder to bear. So I focus on the good that is coming. Sarah is arriving Monday morning, good medicine. She'll be home all the way to Dec. 29 and by then I'll be coming around to being more myself. We have each other, and lots of love, and hope.

Going to bed to rest up for a fun short evening.

Nite!

Love and Light!

Melissa

CHEMO #4

December 15, 2009 Tuesday

Starting Sunday, I began to dread Tuesday. I went to the SGI Culture Center Sunday morning to chant and meet up with my friend Rose. And after do morning prayers, the leader stood and spoke, like he usually does every Sunday, but this day his words were only for me. That is how many in the room felt. He spoke to our fears, financial, lack of jobs, and our health. He reminded us that we are in a Winter, and Spring always follows Winter. He wasn't speaking of the Seasons, per say, rather he was speaking to our personal Winter. I've written about this before. I am in a big Winter right now. Things could not be worse on the finance front (drought), the job front (who will hire someone in the middle of chemo and radiation), my health (fungus on the crop), my health insurance ( locust on the crops eating every dollar in site). But my Winter will end and with it comes the beauty of Spring. So I left renewed with a sense of hope. I am determined to change my life condition. And I will have the biggest, best est Spring anyone could imagine.

Monday was spent working hard with my P/T Lauren. You all would just love her. She is sweet and engaging, and so helpful and compassionate. Then home to cut checks and that means robbing Peter to pay Paul, you know the game. Then I was exhausted and spent the rest of the day resting. My energy is waning but my spirit lives on. Cancer treatment cannot take that away.

This morning I woke early because I gave up trying to sleep. My legs were doing that restless dance once again, and the room was unusually hot and stuffy even though the windows were open and the fan was blowing. The radiator was pumping heat with unwarranted vigor. So I gave up sleep and went on FB did my Farmville, woke Ian for school, showered, ate oatmeal with apples and brown sugar, got Ed up and ready to take me to chemo. On the way up, I started to cry, but I shut it down. I confessed that I really didn't want to go. I still was not 100% this time, I was just beginning to feel like myself again, and wasn't ready to feel yucky. The spoiled child reared her ugly head for about 2 minutes and then it was over. I knew I needed to go, needed to poison my body, get through the knot hole, and come out the other side victorious. Had my bloods drawn, saw Dr. Speyer who was amazed at how great I look, and said I looked marvelous which brought on the Billy Crystal quote, "Well, it is better to look Marvelous, than to feel marvelous." WE laughed and moved to the office for the update and okaying for chemo. I have turned the corner in the tunnel and I can see the small glimmer of light at the end of Hell. I am on my way to the other side of it, and it feels so hopeful.

I slept through most of my chemo, because I was really tired. I didn't get a room for 1 1/2 hours after my appointed time. Everyone was trying to get their chemo in before Christmas, so it was insanely busy. But I was patient and understanding. I only asked after an hour if they could estimate when I'd get in, and 1/2 and hour later, I got a great room and treatment began. #4 went well, because I slept, even though I tried to stay awake. God those drugs are good, but I don't recommend driving while on them. lol Ed and I finally left at 5PM for home. A good day, a hopeful one, and that is why it was a good one. TWO MORE CHEMO TREATMENTS. Two more cycles of this queer feeling and the sick tummy. Two more and this will never be revisited. Two more!!! This makes me so happy!!! The snow is beginning to melt I sense my personal Spring beginning.

May you all have your personal Spring. Believe when you find yourself in a Winter that the promise of Spring is there, just beneath the surface. Be patient for it will come, and will be more than you could imagine. Have faith, things are cyclical and when you work hard at your faith anything is possible.

Two more!

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

FEMALE ENERGY

December 12, 2009 Saturday

I love my hubby and I love my son, but I was in need of female energy. There is nothing quite like a group of women to bring up your spirits. Such was yesterday. First, Luigi Jazz. My group of ladies that I dance with are like none other. They are caring beautiful women, and supportive doesn't even begin to describe the level of caring they give. I love Luigi, Francis, Curtis, Jay, but sorry guys, you ain't gals, and I needed my gal pals. I had a wonderful class and felt like a dancer. Luigi complimented me on my level of dance and I felt important. Luigi was suffering from side effects of some medication he was taking, dizziness. I knew what he was talking about. I, too, was suffering from imbalance, but together, we fought it and won. So many women in the class are cancer vixens. The advice and compassion is compelling. We share more than dance now, we are women in a terrible club, but let me tell you, the membership doesn't get better than us. We are strong, full of hope, and embrace the new members. Me.

I returned home and was more tired than usual. I guess it's the fact that my hemoglobin is dropping. I felt good during class, and near the end of class my energy waned, and I got dizzy and my vision was a bit off. So I ate lunch, and took a two hour nap.

I met Rose, Erica and many other women at the SGI Center to chant and attend a lecture about Caring. A room full of caring women and men listening to how we as a global society struggle to really care. Why care for some, and not others? Who is deserving and who isn't? To care we must first be aware of the need for care, then take on the responsibility of caring and finally follow through with making sure the care was received. I know I have received tremendous care from not just family, but also my medical team, my dear friends, and yes complete strangers. I am indeed quite lucky. It was an eye opening lecture and made anyone there really think about the level of caring we give and receive. So we ladies went to dinner after the lecture and we talked about caring. But mostly we talked about life. We had a wonderful time and I am now happy because I surrounded myself with female energy.

Female energy and male energy is different, not better or worse, just different. It is important to spend time with your gal pals or your guys, it feeds a part of the soul that your spouse just can't fill. An example from the question/answer section of the lecture supports this. A teacher from Staten Island stood and asked why that at her school the male teachers show a lack of caring, they play straight by the book, they give the assignment and expect it to be done. If it doesn't get done, the grade reflects it and too bad. Whereas the female teachers tend to pursue the student, follows up, encourages the "lost" student. The boys respond to the female teachers in a positive way, whereas the girls get annoyed, and find the female teachers nagging. However, the girls try harder to please the male teachers who deny any attention to the students. A different way of caring? Perhaps, or are we as women taught that we must please the man to be noticed?

Caring. It can be a small thing, holding a door for someone, cleaning up the table you ate at at McDonalds. Or giving directions to a tourist, a kind word to the store clerk you just bought something from, like "Have a nice day, Thank you ". Then there is the big caring, stopping to help someone in need, a stranger who has fallen in the street, or stopping by an elder person's home to see if they need anything. How about caring for oneself? That, for women, seems to be the biggest hardest one of all. So as we go through this Holiday Season, remember what this Season is about, really about. Not the presents under the tree, or how many parties you go to, but the true meaning. Caring, giving freely of your time and self.

Gifts are nice, but sharing your love is the best gift of all.

Care.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

A NEW MIND SET

December 10, 2009 Thursday

After my last post melt down, I have re-set my mind. I, for that moment in time, let the negative grab hold of me, and seize me up with panic and fear. What a dope, it happens, but I forgot the most important thing. What is the most important thing? You can't get blood from a stone. I have no money, so they can't take what I don't have. So the medical bread line will begin. The first bill to arrive will get the $5 a month payment and the rest will have to wait in the bread line until it is their turn. My plan is to ask for assignment. Hopeful that the medical team will understand and have mercy on us. Next, pay off those who won't take assignment. Then the next phase is to up my chanting. Perhaps have a toso somewhere. Also, to ask you all to pray for us. Not just my quick recovery, but for Ed to find a great paying gig, perhaps a National Network Commercial that runs and runs and runs and runs, followed by a regular on a tv series that is super successful. for now, that is what I envision. 2010 is coming and things MUST change for the better, because we are at the bottom of the pit. So we have no where to go but up.

I've done my belly aching, my fretting, now it's time to fight back. I cannot and will not give in to the negatives that pull at me from Hell. It is the Devil's way of shaking Faith. I almost forgot my Faith. Faith that everything happens for a reason, that everything will get better, that the power of prayer is powerful. It is the Christmas Season, after all, and miracles happen. I'm here, and getting better, and I've lost weight. It's all good, even though the path has been more than rough. We will get through this, better for it.

Ian is a great kid, and has stated that he will do School Lunch to help us save money. The sacrifice is great, remember School Lunch? UGH! He is my hero. He continues to surprise us with his compassion and sense of family. I am so lucky.

Sarah's show is a huge success, and last night's show was hysterical. How ironic that Phil offered to take the family to Italy as an apology for falsely accusing the kids of lying, since that is where Ed is always promising to take me. God I love this show. I'm so happy Sarah is on my favorite show.

I have my bearings back, found the compass, got my footing again, etc, etc, etc. Feeling better in my mind. That is the most important news of the day.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

REALITY BITES

December 8, 2009 Tuesday

I've been in a cocoon for a while now, safely tucked in my home from reality. I play my farmville or work from home doing the paperwork for my daughter's career or rest or anything but real world stuff. Even when I go out, it's to go to Dance class, my P/T or go shopping at the grocer's. but the reality is we are very broke. Today it hit hard, very hard. Ed has been having trouble with one of his teeth for about 2 weeks now, over the past week, Ed got an abscess in his mouth because of the tooth. We don't have dental insurance, something we lost back in September. So his dentist called in an antibiotic and had him come into the office today. The tooth had split and had to be pulled. Now Ed lays in the bedroom in agony. The tooth loss is not good for an actor, it impacts his look. We can't afford a bridge or implant. What to do? Then I got a call from the billing office at Dr. Axelrod's. The insurance company has begun to make payments and guess what? WE owe half. I don't even have 1/10th. So now I must beg for assignment. How humiliating. WE pay so much for insurance and still have to pay a ridiculous amount. It's almost as if the roles have reversed. WE pay 80% and the insurance company only has to pay 20%. They have all the money, and we have none. Literally.

I'm so depressed tonight, today started out so great. I went to Luigi's for dance class, and had a terrific time, felt strong, and danced well. I was so happy. Now, with one phone call and tooth extraction and I feel as if I'm drowning. Can't afford a Christmas tree, can't afford even one gift for each of the kids. Not even Egg Nog is affordable. WE are the Cratchits and I am Tiny Tim. The Insurance Company is Scrooge and the Republicans in the Senate are Scrooge's supporters. If we had Health Care Reform, If we had the Public Option, perhaps we wouldn't be on the verge of total financial ruin. I don't mean to belly ache, but this sucks. WE are in so much debt now, that there is no light to focus on. WE are under water, deep water and up is down, down is up. If I start to swim up will I actually be swimming deeper making it harder to find air?

At this time of the season, we need a Christmas miracle, big time. Pray for us and all the women who are in my shoes. I'm not the only one. This year sucks. And 2010 doesn't look to be starting out that great either. Something has to shift to the better. Pray, and have faith. My friend Kelly sent me a bag of words so if I fell short on what to say I could go to that bag and pull out a word to help me. Today, I went to the bag and pulled out my word, and that word was FAITH. The perfect word for the Season.

I must not panic, I must move on with FAITH. Things will come out alright somehow, right?

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

PEARL HARBOR DAY

December 7, 2009 Monday

Pearl Harbor Day. RIP all you who were attacked this day 68 years ago. That was the day my grandfather joined the Naval-Airforce. He fought in the Pacific Arena and was the last pilot to fly Ernie Pyle, the famous War Journalist. My Grandfather floated for days in the Pacific after his plane was shot down. They told my Grandmother he was dead. She went into labor with my Uncle and after giving birth days later my Grandfather walked into her hospital room and almost scared her to death. They remained married forever, only death parted them when my Grandmother passed away after heart surgery at the age of 76. Why do I bring this up? The testament to love I suppose. Out of Love for Country, men joined up after Pearl Harbor was attacked, for Love of Wife my Grandfather hung on to the remains of his plane. For Love of each other my grandparents stayed together through good and bad. LOVE! The most powerfully positive emotion on Earth.

Love is what keeps us going, lack of love can turn us bad. The love of my family keeps me going. Today I read that a new friend has to go under the knife, again. Suffice it to say, it is a scary knife, with risk. I don't know this woman well, I only know her through my connection to Cancer. We've never met, but I love her. I love her strength, I love her candor, I love her need to fight for her life. So I ask that you pray for a complete stranger, give her your love and hope, because she deserves it. Her body is being attacked by Kamakasi pilots. This is her Pearl Harbor, and I am Uncle Sam telling you, she needs you. So pray, chant, send healing energy, good vibes to her. Her Name is Beverly. That's all you need to know, it will get there.

I've been struggling with a chest cold this past week, and although I don't have that "Chemo" sick going, I don't feel that hot. I'm getting better, so don't worry about me. I'm tough, a real tough chick. I have lots to do this week, finish the taxes for Sarah so my CPA doesn't have a cow, go to dance class, coach, and do the laundry, and somewhere in there do better at my chanting, and my P/T. If I can pull myself out of the funk I've been in, I'll be more productive. This cold knocked me down, but now it's time to get up. Get up and fight. I owe that to Beverly.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

WINTER SETS IN

December 5, 2009 Saturday

As the Winter Front moves into the City, I sit snuggled up on the couch, my perch of late, nursing my cruddy throat with peppermint tea, watching the morning news, playing Farmville, and so so tired. I am like a bear getting ready for hibernation. The only difference? I don't have the winter layer of fat on, rather I've lost it, down to the weight I could only dream of once upon a time, 134lbs. I've actually put on 3 lbs in as many days. Yippee!! Who knew I'd be happy about weight gain? I feel fine, but not fine. Am I denying how I feel? I'm not sure. All I know is I wish I had a fireplace to gaze into.

I do not look forward to the snow that is coming. I wish we could have the warmer days of last week back, I felt like I could go out, at least, and walk about. But the cold turns me off, makes me want to sleep, and do nothing. Is it the fact that I have this sorta cold, and it is draining me? I know I should do my P/T, or my WiiFit, but I just can't pull myself up.

So I sit, because I can't sleep, nor do I want to, but I'm tired. Guess this means my hemoglobin is slipping. What remains of my hair will soon be gone, for now, and my eyebrows are thinning and need to be filled in with pencil, my eyelashes are fewer and fewer, will I need false eyelashes? I don't mind, don't get me wrong, just putting it down. I can't read books because my vision is blurry more often than it's not, and when I read it gives me a headache. So I become like Cat Lady and live for the kitties to entertain me.

I am Winter

shutting down

waiting patiently

for Spring

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS

December 3, 2009 Thursday

Well, I'm set for the appointments for me and my daughter through January, 2010. Feels good to make those appointments and not have to think about them until I have to. Hm!

This is week 2 of treatment #3, and though I don't feel great, I feel better than the last time I was in week 2. My gut stills hurts, my lips are super dry, my tongue feels like someone scrapped it with a rusty saw, and the "Magic Mouthwash" my doctor ordered for me made my throat and mouth so numb that I could hardly swallow. Won't be using that again, blech! My hubby has an abscess on his gum and Ian's back is bothering him. Curse those backpacks. So next week Ed sees the Dentist after taking antibiotics, and we took Ian to the Chiropractor. Gee! let the medical good times roll. When will it end????

HEY! YOU! UP THERE! YEAH! YOU! CAN YOU PLEASE LAY OFF FOR A CHANGE? Can we have some work roll in, and with that a really decent amount of pay? Job security, and good health? I'm a little jammed up down here, trying to get well, I can't handle this right now, okay? Not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but really, I could use some help.

Is it any wonder why my gut feels twisted? Nope. Didn't think so.

My hope is that tomorrow I will feel better, and I can finish up the paperwork on my daughter's tax summary. One more reason to feel my guts twist. then I can get to the weekend, sleep in, take it easy...wait, I forgot, that's someone else's life. OOPS!

Am I bitching? Why, I do believe I am. Sarcasm? Yep. That's what that is. Over it? Totally (with a Valley girl accent). Blah blah blah

I'm in a crabby mood, and not afraid to show it. STOP HURTING GUTS! PISS OFF!

I give up. Sorry for the crabby pants post. Nothing really bad happened here today, just a crabby day.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

DELAYED POSTS

December 1, 2009 Tuesday

Every time I sat down to post my blog over the past few days, something would happen that would derail my posting. Usually my son's need to do homework, but other things such as a phone call, or suddenly not feeling the love for writing. So I have found, made the time to write this morning.

Since my daughter left for LA, I have fallen into the chemo fog of nausea IBS and blech that follows the week after treatment. This week, most likely because I pushed myself last week, I feel it, really feel it. Feeling bad is not normal for me, and I am a bad patient when it comes to feeling bad. I am the type of person who is always going, doing, highly independent, the "I can do it myself, thank you very much" person. This is the biggest life lesson for me. To know that I have limits, to know when to stop myself even though my overblown sense of super heroine says to keep going, to know when to cry "Uncle" and ask for help. Pride cometh before the fall, and this week is the fall. I found myself weeping in the elevator yesterday not knowing why, except that I was so tired and nauseated that all I wanted to do was lie down on the floor of the elevator and sleep. Life lesson, KNOW YOUR LIMITS.

My weekend without Sarah was not without Sarah. I still went shopping with her on Sunday, although 3,000 miles apart, Sarah carried me on her IPhone while she finally got her furniture for her new apartment in LA. Between tweet pictures and online pictures, Sarah and I settled on a living room and a bedroom. Just try to stop Mother/Daughter shopping, just try. Can't be done. WE will always find a way. bwahhhaaahhhaaahhhaaa.

Monday started like any Monday the week after chemo, feeling gross, IBS'd, and wanting to stay in bed, but knowing I had P/T. It didn't take much to make the nausea take over. Standing for more than 3o seconds, waiting for the bus, sitting waiting to be seen. I sat with my P/T friend, Margarette, a women in her 60's who suffers from Lymph edema. A kind woman who years after her struggle with breast cancer has now suddenly had lymph edema kick in. We meet briefly each week and speak of how we are doing. Talk about Health Care Reform, and worry about the ability to pay for our health care in the future. Then she goes off with her P/T and I go off with mine. This week was no different, except that this week a weary African-American woman whom Margarette knows entered the waiting area and sat down looking so defeated. Margarette was called away first and so I sat with this woman in silence. After a few minutes, the woman looked at me with war-torn eyes and said, "I just don't think I can do this anymore. I'm so tired of the doctors, the appointments, the cost." What to say? My heart bled for her. She went on to explain the endless appointments, the P/T, the co-pays, a whole year of not being able to work, and the fear of not being able to get employed now. She cried out to a complete stranger, tears welling in her eyes. How could I not be moved? I felt like saying, "Let's go. Let's run away." But I knew that was no answer, so I told her to hang on. God has a plan, even when it feels like God has abandoned you, he is there, holding you, your job is to have faith that all will work out. Our deepest struggles will have the biggest rewards when faith and hope are applied. Her face changed, and the pain melted from her face, and she responded with, "Yes, you are right. But sometimes it's just so hard." I nodded, and said, "Just don't give up, you've come this far, how sad would it be to quit now? I don't know you, but I just know you aren't the type to quit." We shared a hug, and I was called in to work with my P/T. Cancer links us, but it is the human connection that saves us. Compassion. She just needed someone who got it. I totally get it. There are days that I'd love to just quit. The cost is enormous, and I don't know how we will survive this financially, but at the end of the day, I want to live. I want to go on more IPhone shopping trips with my daughter, and help my son tea-dip his History projects, and congratulate my husband on a callback, and do what I do, everything.

I learned how to do Lymphatic drainage Monday, sounds a whole lot more complicated than it is. I'd look like a weirdo if I did it on the train, that's for sure. People might think I was doing some bizarre imitation of Mary Catherine "Supah-Star". After P/T I foolishly decided to walk to the Credit Union. Avenues away and blocks North I walked mostly on an incline and in the rapidly dropping temperatures and the beginning rain. By the time I got to the Credit Union I was drained. Wearily I stood in the elevator of the Equity Building not noticing anyone around me when I heard my name, and there stood John of FBI. So I detoured to visit my son's agent's office and say howdy to everyone there, before going upstairs to open the money vein for Insurance premium. I'm glad I took the break, I needed to sit down, and there was John the angel telling me to sit. Thanks John.

I headed on up to financial hell and to consolidate accounts to come up with the money to pay for another 3 months of insurance. $3,298.00 That's my premium for one quarter. The thought is draining. Robbing Peter to pay Paul. To have faith that the next quarter of funds will be there is a difficult one, especially in this economy. But I have to have faith! I cannot give into to demons of despair, but this is a hard one. When you cut a check that takes most of your money away, and you are not working right now, and Christmas is in the air, and you try to say, the present this year is me still being here, and that will have to do....difficult. I ran into a couple of friends and chatted and felt a little bit like the "Mayor of Broadway", usually it's Ed who does the running into, not I. I pay my Insurance pound of flesh and head home on the train. I am now completely exhausted and don't know how I'll make it home. I grab an express train and decide to hoof it from Broadway/Lafayette. There are enormous flights of stairs at this stop, did you know that? I knew there were stairs, but not until yesterday did I know just how exhausting those stairs could be....I struggled up the first flight to the concourse, and rested. The second flight seemed longer than ever, and I rested at the top of those stairs. Then the final flight to the street.. Ugh! It seemed to take forever, the temperature had dropped again, the rain had picked up, and as I strained to put my foot to the pavement away from the stairs a man charges me and insists that I give him money because he has none. WHAT!!!!???? Are you kidding me? You ask a woman who has cancer and has just written away all that she has so she can continue her treatment for 3 more months for money?! All I could muster was F*ck off! I stumbled down Houston toward home as people pushed past in the hurry to get somewhere fast, like I used to do. It took a half an hour to walk home from that stop, a stop that usually only takes 15 minutes, if that. I weakly stepped into the empty elevator and as the door closed and I realised I was alone, I wept, I wept for 14 floors, and felt like that woman I met earlier, and as the door opened, I pulled myself together and said, "Have faith. The harder the struggle, the bigger the reward." I spent the rest of the day in a nausea induced way. I went to the acupuncturist and had temporary success, but it was temporary. I pushed too hard, and this is the price I pay for pushing. Today will be spent on meds and bed. With the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. That tomorrow will bring good news on multiple fronts. That tomorrow will be a good day.

So to bed with me, thanks for reading, it means a lot to me to share the journey, and now it makes sense that I got delayed in posting. Hope you don't mind the lapses, I have a feeling this will happen more often.

Nite!

Love and Light!

Melissa