Cathy, Me, Joaquin, Viviana

Cathy, Me, Joaquin, Viviana
We Did It!

The World of Color

The World of Color
Such a perfect day with Ian

Athol Training Walk

Athol Training Walk
Hot Day, Long walk

Birthday Fundraiser

Birthday Fundraiser
Me and the Avon Team

AVON WALK EXPO

AVON WALK EXPO
ME and my new HER2 + Gal Pals

Avon Walk Expo

Avon Walk Expo
Team "NEVER STOP MOVING"

Last Surgery

Last Surgery
Port Removal

On to the healing

On to the healing

Ringing the bell

Ringing the bell

Chemo #6 the last chemo treatment

Chemo #6 the last chemo treatment

Chemo #5

Chemo #5
5 down, 1 to GO!

New Years 2010

New Years 2010
Me and Cheryl Breast Cancer Vixens!

Chemo #4

Chemo #4
4 down, 2 to go

Chemo #3

Chemo #3
3 down 3 to go

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

LIFE WITH EFFEXOR

April 27, 2010 Tuesday

It's been several days of being on Effexor. My hot flashes have been greatly reduced, and with the help of a tiny dose of Ambien, I'm sleeping better. My mood has greatly improved. I feel closer to myself than ever. I met with the Shrink on Friday, and not surprised to learn that I have "issues". Well, who doesn't? I have been given homework and the big one is to learn to let Sarah deal with her medical issues in her way. I can't change her, but I won't be joining her. I will agree to disagree. It is, after all, her life. So... already our relationship is better.

Ed and I got away for the weekend, and went to Yale. Ed did a special reading of "Diary of an Infidel" Don't look for it coming to theatres any time soon. It was interesting, but lacks the ability to transfer from book to stage. We stayed at a Hotel that was pretty sad. I won't mention the name, but it was comically scary. We entered our "suite" and the couch faced the microwave. So I guess we could have watched popcorn pop. the bathroom had, for all human purposes, no hot water. The old charm of the room had been replaced with second-hand furnishings, and 70's "textured" ceilings with huge cracks and bulges. We began to pray that the rain predicted would not be heavy, for we truly thought the ceiling might fall if the rain was heavy. We had a TV so that was a saving grace. The elevator was over 100 years old and it's cables looked to be the same. It was a hand operated elevator, fun, but as the elevator operators shifted out they became increasingly odder. The last operator was a slim older man who was the only one to wear a "uniform"; black pants, Short sleeved white shirt, and a maroon polyester box vest. Shriveled with age and sporting a Beatles' style wig in light brown he appeared more of a character in a horror spoof than an employee. Of course, the other actors had been put up in a Bed and Breakfast, and had comfortable lodging and a full breakfast. Why we pulled the short straw is anyone's guess. But at least we didn't have to pay for it. None-the-less, we made the most of it, and had a great time just being together without kids calling and the pressures of the outside world pushing in.
The grounds at Yale are impressive, and had the weather been more co-operative we would have spent more time wandering around the area.

I went back to dance yesterday, and though I was tight from lack of dance for a couple of weeks, I had a great time. I had tea with my gal pals from dance and then walked all the way home with a couple of detours along the way. I walked in the rain and even though I discovered a hole in the bottom of my rain boot that soaked my left foot, I had a very relaxing time. I considered it my training for the Avon Walk.

I have a commitment from our favorite restaurant to give me a percentage of the profits for one night. This is great! I know it will be a big donation for the walk. So when we figure out which night, I'll let you all know and please come that night to support the cause.

So now that I've gotten some real sleep, I am feeling better and look at my world and don't feel so overwhelmed.

Fewer hot flashes, better sleep = a "normal" me

Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa

Friday, April 23, 2010

SHRINK DAY

April 23, 2010 Friday

I see the Shrink today for my assessment. I am getting help today. I look forward to it. I started the meds on Wednesday night and already the hot flashes over night have been greatly reduced. I didn't sleep well the first night; a lot of tossing and turning, but at least I didn't flash every 30-40 minutes. Last night, I had a couple of bad flashes, but I slept a little bit better. So perhaps with time and the adjustment of the effexor I'll find the balance to sleep and not flash over night.

I'm so tired, the lack of sleep has taken its toll on me. Physically, I ache, my head hurts, my eyes feel strained. I just don't want to move, I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. It's so multi-layered, not just the physical stuff but the worries about money (or the lack thereof), it just seems so hopeless somedays. Ed is trying so hard to find work and keeps coming up empty handed. Our savings are gone, and unemployment ... well... I'm worried, and If I'm worried, there is real cause for concern.

I don't mean to whine, but it's all I have right now. I chant and chant and try to stay positive, and will continue to do so. My port gets removed on May 3, don't know the time yet, I'll find that out on 4/30.

One less thing to worry about.

Life moves on, the sun is shinning, and the day beckons to me. Have a great healthy day!

Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

DEPRESSION

April 21, 2010 Wednesday

Well, it's been confirmed. I have chemical depression. I'm seeing the shrink on Friday to have it fully evaluated. All the nights of hot flashes keeping me awake, depriving me of precious sleep; the chemo drugs eating my brain; the stress of my life has pushed me down the Rabbit Hole. The good part of it all is that I had what I feared confirmed. I'm not nuts, just chemically messed up. Totally fixable. This is such a relief! I now understand my blues, my crying for no reason, my bursts of frustration!, my lack of energy and physical aches and pains.

Thank God!

It seemed the harder I tried to be happy and sunny, the deeper I'd dive. The uncontrollable blue I felt was inescapable. Thank God I have the team I have. Nip this right in the bud. I'm starting meds today, to help me sleep, stop the hot flashes, and hopefully make these crazy blues blow away with the wind. I feel very much like I've been grounded by Volcanic Ash. I just have to be patient and wait for the wind to shift and carry the toxic plume away. Much like the travelers (Matt) must do in London.

On a higher note, I went to my Intro meeting for the Avon Breast Cancer Walk last night. I am officially registered, and within the next couple of days I'll be able to build my web page so people can start to donate so I can walk in October. I need a minimum of $1800.00, so if all of my friends donate just $20 I'll get there in no time!

I'm going to start training in May and walk my little butt off to get ready for October. I have some friends who want to join me and I would love to have a big 'ol team. Here is the scoop, if you want to be on my team, you have to register as well and you will need to raise $1800.00 as well. If you do join my team and you are having trouble getting the donations and I've met mine, I will ask donors to donate to your page. It's no different if it's to me or you or anyone else. The idea is to raise as much moola as possible to stop Breast Cancer in it's tracks. It comes in many forms, so it's hard to nail it down. So more and more money is needed.

I would like to name my team "Never Stop Moving" in honor of my dear sweet Luigi, my dance teacher, my mentor in life, and loving friend. So if you want to join me, let me know. You can register for $65 or if you go to an intro meeting you can register for $45. I have forms. If you can't walk for any reason, that's okay, because you can support me and the team by donating. Any amount is welcome. Large or small. Doesn't matter.

This walk = my kicking Cancer out the door. Help me kick it's ugly ass as far away from me as possible.

Still fighting, still dancing, still walking, to honor all that have come before me and survived. For those who still fight, and those who have lost the fight. For those who will be given bad news. I fight. I fight for me.

Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa

Monday, April 19, 2010

FOLLOW UP TO INNER DEMONS

April 19. 2010 Monday

Sorry I haven't posted in days, but I've been busy taking the advice I got from Valerie. And that advice was.....

"Remove head. Sit in front of Gohonzon. Chant Nam myoho, renge kyo."

Good advice. I took it. I did just that. I feel better focus. I still fight the inner demons of 'blue', my joints have been aching and after sitting for any length of time, I'll stand and walk like a crippled old lady until my joints unfreeze. My hips ache all the time. Perhaps it is the effects of the steroids finally showing. I'll ask tomorrow when I see Dr. Speyer.

Sarah is back in LA and her boyfriend is stuck in London. So the stress has shifted to when is Matt returning. I'm off the hook. I still have to make appointments for Sarah to be seen by the doctor in May. But I have taken the approach of Remove Head. Sit in front of Gohonzon. Chant.

I said good bye to Sarah Thursday, and miss her too much. The doctor feels she is still too healthy to transplant so she got a reprieve. Now she must work very hard to remain healthy until next year. Chant. Chant. Chant.

My son's report card was that of a great student. He is amazing. He's been through so much this past year and yet he maintains A's and B's. I'm so proud of him. I had Saturday to myself. Ian had Kung Fu and Ed went to Yale to work on a reading of a new play. So I spent the day doing nothing but chanting. A good day to de-stress.

Sunday Ed and I headed out to Staten Island to celebrate his cousin's 80th birthday. When you get two or more Hyland's in a room there is bound to be much laughter, wild tales, lots of food, and lots of drinking. Always a super fun time. It was exactly what the doctor ordered. Happy Birthday Tom!

This morning I woke to find out that my friend Beverly, whom I've mentioned here before, and asked for prayers for her recovery, has received the worst blow. The dreaded, "You have 6 weeks." This rocked my world this morning. She is younger than I am, and has fought so hard, and nothing has worked. Sometimes this world is just plain and flat out UNFAIR! I really was looking forward to meeting her. Now it appears that this will not be possible. She was so brave to post her news on her caringbridge blog. So I ask that if you are reading this, please say a prayer for Beverly. She is fighting to the bitter end and will not give up, so pray to give her strength to prove the doctors wrong. Pray to help her find peace. Pray for Beverly because she is an Angel on Earth. Pray because she has earned your prayers.

Hug the people you love, and let them know that you do. If they are miles away, call them and tell so. Go. Look in the mirror and remind yourself that you love yourself. That you are worth it. Then go out. Live your life. Have fun. Don't forget to laugh really hard at least once today. Laughter is contagious. Go spread it.

Nite.
Light and Love
Melissa

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

INNER DEMONS

April 13, 2010 Tuesday

Inner Demons, Karma, past hurt feelings, they all have one thing in common; they want to bring you down. This is what happened to me this past week. I've noted that I've been feeling depressed, that my brain is somehow out of balance. Well...after speaking with many gal pals who have been down this road before me, I can say that I am not alone in the feelings that I have been feeling.

I've been through so much lately, and have fought so hard that now that the scary part is over; the chemo, the radiation...all that's left is maintainence, how do I quit fighting? I feel like I lost a full-time job. I should be thrilled that I have my freedom once again, but instead I'm blue. Okay, so what, I'm blue. What was scary and poor timing was the fact that now I have to get back to other stressful things. Taxes, finding a job, and transplant talk with my daughter. These things can't be avoided any longer. Taxes, if I don't file, could cause more financial issues I don't need. Job, without it how can I pay bills or food? Transplant, this is the monster in the room. Sarah and I have to really face this issue. She needs one, and the timing is not playing out the way we want it to. Sarah just wants to be told when and where to show up, and until then she'll ignore it. I understand how important it is that she face this issue, and by waiting to deal with it up to the point of T-day is setting her up for a big shock. So we come from two entirely different places. Undoubtably there will be tension. How to get rid of tension is what I seek.

After speaking with several friends about my depression, I have at least confirmed that what I feel is real. I can deal with it now. It's not real, it's my brain healing. That is the biggest key to my moving past the issues of the past week. It's okay to feel blue, frustrated, and like my brain doesn't function fast enough. It will come back. What's difficult is that I feel so good, and yet my brain hasn't caught up. Ed spoke with Sarah and things have calmed down. I am now just enjoying Sarah being home, and the "subject" is off-limits for now. Wednesday is another day. I'll deal with it then.

Taxes are done for the kids, all of that is in the capable hands of the CPA now. All that's left is to cut the checks. As for Mine and Ed's taxes, we have to frantically work at getting done. Ed has promised to help. This is huge, as in the past I did all the leg work and he put his signiature on the form after looking it over for mistakes. (which he always found)

So I have breathing room. As I said to him the other day. "I am done with the shitty stuff, I am feeling better, I look good, my hair is coming back, I'm back at dance class, I'm eating again. That said, I'm not the same person I was. That person kinda died back then. I'm different. I think differently, I handle things differently now. I can't go back to who I was before treatment. So you have to understand that and make adjustments to that end."

I'm off now to chant and meet with Valerie at the SGI to seek guidance as to what to do next, how to deal with this change in me.

Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa

Friday, April 9, 2010

A LETTER TO MY DAUGHTER

April 9, 2010 Friday

The following is a letter written in pain, after hurtful words were spoken. It is personal, and painful, but mostly it is the truth from my heart and speaks to the aftermath of war. This is what Breast Cancer does to families emotionally. So if you think I've written raw before, put on your seat belts or better yet, just don't read it. Just know that I fight for my place in humanity in this letter. I have learned that I matter, and sometimes it is just about me. And sometimes it's important to walk on eggshells around me for a change.

Dear Sarah,

I am so sorry that I got Breast Cancer. I didn't do it by choice. I am so sorry that my world revolves around me right now and not you. I am so sorry that you would rather be with your boyfriend's mom and dad in Texas because they have money, good health, and nothing ever goes wrong in their seemingly perfect world. I am so sorry that I made you broken. I am so sorry that I am the one responsible for you needing a kidney transplant. I didn't mean to make you broken. I would give anything to change every rotten thing that has ever happened to me , you and our family. But the reality of the situation is "I can't".

I don't think you realize just how much I need you to be supportive right now. I'm sorry. I'm not Super Mom anymore. I don't hold all the answers, and I for sure can't fix much of anything anymore. You really have no idea how much you hurt me when you tell me daily or post on your FB or your twitter how much you hate being home. You cut me deep. I feel like I don't matter to you. I am a burden to you. I wish I had been diagnosed and died within 6 weeks now, just so you could miss me. At least I'd have been a victim, something to pity. Are you angry with me because I can't give you my kidney? Because believe me I hate myself enough for everyone involved that I can't do that. So don't waste your time on that. I never thought that you would be the one to turn your back on me. For so many years it was you and me against the medical world. I had your back and still do, so why don't you have mine? Ian does. Ian sat through all the ugly shit. He watched me languish on the couch, he saw me in the recovery room looking like death. He held my hand, he helped me walk. He hugged me at my ugliest, and always said I was beautiful. I leaned on your 15 year old brother for support and he was there. He still is. He has seen the evil of my breast cancer. You on the other hand saw snap shots at Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I put my best foot forward for you, because I wanted to spend the best time with you. After you would leave I would collapse and be wiped out for days longer than usual. Ian saw it all, you saw NOTHING! You rarely called me to check in on me. When you did call it was how I HAD to help you. I would be sick, tired, and barely able to focus enough on myself to take care of me, and yet there you would be full of need and demands. I would pull up from my depths to help you. With the strength reserved for the last gasp of a dying man, I would use that strength to give to you to help you to do for you. You would get what you needed or rather wanted and move on. You, however, never saw the aftermath of what you took from me. I don't regret it, not at all, so it is not meant to begrudge you, rather to educate you.

So when you say to me, "I don't want to come home. I wish I were in LA. I AM going to Texas to go fishing with Tony, and to meet Matt's nephew Deacon.", every statement like that is worse than any chemo treatment I suffered. To know that you would rather be with people you don't really know, than to be with you family...I am at a loss for words to describe the pain it causes. You have no idea what that does to me. You said to me today that you'd rather be in Texas because coming here is nothing but Cancer, job loss, and transplant. Well, congratulations. You have cut the cord. Those were words that can't be taken back. It's alarming to know that you won't be there when the going gets tough. I have news for you, Sarah, you are NOT the better person you seem to think you are. If you were, you would have never said that. You said that to hurt me, and I will not believe for two seconds that you didn't realize what you were doing.

You have changed. You are not the woman I raised. I can only hope that somewhere deep inside of you you will someday find the seed I planted. That compassion will bloom. That you will be able to put yourself aside to find your humanity. Right now, you are full of arrogance and ego. You have forgotten where you come from. You are choosing to do things that are harmful to your well being. And if you are destructive to your well being you will lose everything you hold on to right now. Careers come and go, and you are measured by your professionalism and the company you keep, and how you treat your family, and yes, how grateful you are to the people who made you. Yes, I mean me and your dad. But, selfishly, me. I gave up everything I knew to have you and take care of you. I gave you all the love I had to give, I nursed you, protected you, and fought for you. I supported you as you, yes you, decided that you wanted to be in this Industry. I encouraged and ran you all over town, even when I was so sick I could barely move. I helped you with homework, ran your errands, did your payroll and taxes, got you everything your heart desired, within reason, and now that you are out on your own, you pay me back with malice.

You drop $200 on your boyfriend without batting an eye, and yet, for your brother, you can't seem to care enough to send him a gift for his birthday. You don't even send a card to your father for his birthday. You don't ask how I am doing. You don't ask how you can help us. I went to the trouble to make your room as comfortable as possible, and within 24 hours you have trashed the room so badly that all of my work was in vain. No thank yous. No F*ck yous. Nothing. Nothing but staying up until 4 am and sleeping til 6pm and then crabby remarks, and pissy attitude. You say you are the best person you have ever been? You don't own a mirror. As your mother, the ultimate mirror, I held the mirror up to you this morning and you didn't like what you saw. I only ever tell you the truth. I have never lied to you. So If I say you have changed and I am disappointed by that change, you better take some time to reflect on what I say. Mothers around the world are their children's mirrors. Remember that. Ask Debbie if I am wrong, she'll tell you I am right. Or maybe she won't; she so wishes to be your best friend. Why don't you have her be your mom when the going gets tough? I bet you'll be surprised at how little will get done to save your ass.

You don't' want to own the most important part of you. Your medical issues. Believe or not, but those issues have shaped who you are. But if you don't own your issues, they will take you down and destroy you. Fight Sarah, yes fight, but fight the right fight. Fight for the right reasons. Know really know who truly has your back. I have never turned my back on you. Never will, because I love you. Really love you. You are young, you are thinking you hold all the answers. You won't be able to move forward you will not get around what is coming towards you. You are not armored properly. Please know that I write this out of love.

If I hurt your feelings you have returned the favor in spades. I am sorry to have hurt your feelings, I truly am. I never wish to argue with you, or to hurt you. I only wish to make you happy and HEALTHY. It's been my life's mission for 19 1/2 years to fight for your health and to stop anyone from hurting you. It's a very difficult thing to give up. To let go of you? much harder than I ever thought. I'm sorry that right now you can't love me the way I wish you could. I look at the way you treat other moms, and I am jealous. What do they have that I don't have?

Ah! the ramblings of a hurt depressed chemo brained mother. One of the hardest things I 've ever had to do was to own my breast cancer, but I did it. I put on my armor and fought like Hell and I'm winning. But one mean placed word from you, my daughter, whom I love beyond reason, and I regret winning. Because why go on if my daughter doesn't want anything to do with me because I got breast cancer. I am a daily reminder of how I am not perfect anymore. I fought not just for myself, I fought for you, for Ian, for your Dad. I fought to get better so that I could be there for you when you have your transplant, so I could protect you from those who would wish to harm you. I am now left to feel like a stalker on your life. Debbie knows more than I do, because you share with her, not me. I have to find out information from your Manager not you. I have been relegated to personal assistant, and treated like a minimum wage worker who doesn't build your taco right at Chipotle.

So, live your Young Hollywood Life. Be shallow and thoughtless. Be selfish and mean to ordinary people. I'll be here when the world abandons you, I'll be here to pick up the pieces and cry real tears for your pain. I'll hold you in my arms and tell you all will be right again, soon, PROMISE. I will always love you, no matter what you do, who you become, where you go, and the multitude of bad choices you are bound to make because of your youth. I will always be here, but I have one simple request, please try not to be mean to me. I have given too much and been through too much to deserve such treatment. I have learned one thing from having breast Cancer; I am worthy. I matter. I am my own person. I deserve to be honored.

So do it, Sarah, if you are this best person you have ever been in your whole entire life, do it. Honor me, praise me, thank me, and be proud to call me your mother. I never "Stage-mom'd" you, I knew my place, and kept it. I supported you, I gave all I have to give to you. I've earned the love I feel you should give me. Sorry for that, too. But not really. I worked hard for you your whole life, you owe me that much. time with me and your family. Real time.

So I apologize once again for getting Breast Cancer. I apologize for not being the parent Debbie is. I apologize for not being able to deny your medical issues. I apologize for seemingly always forcing the truth down your throat. I apologize for holding the mirror up to you this morning. But don't ask me to take any of it back. Just as your Twitter Status states " Judge me. I'm Sarah. Deal with it." I say, " Judge me. I'm your MOM. Deal with it."

You'll thank me down the road, it just would be nice to see a billboard saying you understand and an idea of how many miles down this bumpy road it is. I've been on a very rocky road, I was hoping that you coming home would be a patch of smooth road. I forgot that after Winter comes the Spring and with Spring come ugly car eating potholes that can swallow a person alive. Ouch. I apologize to myself for not seeing this coming. But the lesson to take from it is, "you can't deny the truth, you can't hide from it, or avoid it, it will find you, and sometimes The Truth hurts."

I love you Sarah!

xoxoxoxo
Mom

Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

FOCUS ISSUES

April 7, 2010 Wednesday

I have been frustrated and depressed the past few days. I can't seem to focus and stay on point. I can't even focus on doing the thing I love the most ~ dance. It's as if my brain is somewhere else. I get frustrated easily right now; mostly with myself. I know I need to step back and breathe, but that is easier said than done. While I'm doing a task, I'm thinking about what I have to do next, or where I'd rather be.

I keep putting off taxes, yikes! not a good thing to do, and yet my mind simply can't focus on the task at hand. This focus issue is making me frustrated. I've tried the old "One step at a time, one task at a time", but still I wander off. I feel overwhelmed most of all. All the things that had to be put aside while I had treatment, and now that I'm feeling better I have the anxiety of being under the gun; not to mention that now that I'm feeling better, the EOB's are coming in and just how much the Insurance company WON'T cover. We are already under an avalanche of debt, and now the weight of the Insurance company backing out of the 80/20 commitment we paid for, I'm feeling angry and betrayed. This usually causes a hot flash which will debilitate me for 15 minutes. Then I freeze from the inside out. My inability to control my body temperature is another source of distraction and frustration. My oncologist continues to put me off of getting on meds that I know will help me. I just wish he'd be honest as to the "why". "Let's wait another 3 weeks, and then we'll see. If they don't abate, we'll discuss meds." The mantra. AAARRRGGGGHHH!!!!

I went for my 6 month post surgery checkup yesterday. I can't believe it's been 6 months. Six months ago, I looked forward and 6 months seemed so far away. The mountain so high and seemingly unclimbable, and yet, step by step I made it to the top of the mountain. Now the next mountain is the mountain of debt. What to do?

Dr. Axelrod, my surgeon, said I looked great, much better than most women at this stage. My scars are healing nicely, and the radiation didn't harden my breast too much. It was great to see her again; the woman who took down Mr. Lumpy. I see her again in November and by then I'll get the "cancer-free" diagnosis. I have to have my mammogram in August. I told her how my insurance company isn't covering $14,515.00 because (and I quote) "It isn't a covered expense".
The insurance covered the lypoma removal they refused to pay for for 10 years (in full); they paid to have the port placed (all but $175.00); They only pay $2,500 for the very thing I went in for; Breast Cancer. $16,550 surgeon's bill; $3,000.00 I put on the card as a down payment. I paid more than the Insurance Company? There is a great injustice going on here, and perhaps that is why I'm so frustrated, depressed, and angry. I spoke with Cece,who deals with all of Dr. Axelrod's billing. She says they have received "Not a Dime" from the Insurance Company. Let me give the Insurance Company a name ~ Sir Greedy. Sir Greedy tells Dr. Axelrod that they are still reviewing the claim and O.R. report. Sir Greedy tells me I don't count, and they won't pay what they should. I HAD A GOD DAMNED TRIPLE LUMPECTOMY, SIR GREEDY!!!! F*CKING PAY UP!!!! My husband and I have made all of our payments in good faith. I've rarely used the insurance over the years. Mostly to do well woman check ups. And now that I need the insurance to kick in and help me out, the very reason I've made a point of scraping together money to make those ridiculous premium payments just in case something horrid happened, now that moment has arrived, and Sir Greedy says, "F*ck you! Melissa Canaday, I think you should have gone to Wal-Mart to get your lumpectomy, where they slash prices daily." Screw you Sir Greedy. Go straight to Hell Sir Greedy, with Mr. Lumpy. Why the CEO won't get his big fat multi-million $ bonus if Sir Greedy doesn't do the right thing and pay out for a claim that is legit.

I can't wait to see what they do with my chemo and radiation treatments. Yes, folks, I've been having chemo and radiation since October 14, 2009 and I haven't received one EOB on what Sir Greedy is willing to pay. Go ahead Sir Greedy, bring it on. I've got nothing to lose, because I HAVE NO MONEY!!! I HAVE NO JOB!!!! MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN UNEMPLOYED SINCE NOVEMBER 1, 2009!!! UNEMPLOYMENT IS ALMOST USED UP!!! Go ahead Sir Greedy, sleep peacefully at night while I toss and turn from the nightmare I call my life! The worries of what will come next, how will the bills get paid (screw the medical bills, I mean the monthly nut), what about food, afraid I'll owe taxes, because believe or not, it was a good year on the job front until November. Go ahead, go on your cruise Sir Greedy, throw your elaborate parties, and drink your high priced champagne and eat your caviar. Live in your elegant mansion, and drive your $150,000.00 luxury cars or better yet be driven by your chauffeur. Let your wife and spoiled rotten kids go shopping every single f*cking day at Saks and Lord & Taylors. Go on ridiculously expensive vacations and be sure to stay in hotels like The Four Seasons and go ahead get the luxury suite. It's all on me, the pauper, and tens of thousands of other people just like me who paid and put their trust in you to take care of us if something bad, no horrid, happened. Live it up now, because baby what goes around comes around. I am a good person, who does the best they can, and helps others selflessly. I am honest. I am hard working. I am a loving parent. I am a loving wife of almost 20 years. I pay my bills on time (though those days are looking to be numbered). I am a good cook, and prepare HEALTHY meals. I exercise and take very good care of myself. I just happen to be a person who got dealt the cancer card. I fought for my life. My reward will be huge!!!! You, Sir Greedy, however, have been selfish, uncaring, ungiving, and using decent people for your personal gain and pleasure. Your reward, what reward? You will get exactly what you earned. You will be left wanting. Unloved. Alone. and most of all riddled with every claim you denied, every person you dropped, every child you refused when they turned an adult, and every person you refused for pre-existing conditions. I feel for you, really I do. How do you sleep at night knowing that that is your future? Me, I toss here, right now, but know, know deep in my heart that I will come out on top. I just have to hold on, and hold on tight.

So F*CK YOU!!! SIR GREEDY!!!!

I'm off to dance class, thanks to my generous daughter. And with any luck, my husband will get a job this week. So go make it a great day. It'll be almost 90 degrees here today. Not ready for the heat, but hey, I'm in Hell right now, so why not bring the heat; at least I'll have an excuse for the hot flashes....

Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa

Saturday, April 3, 2010

BLESSINGS

April 3, 2010 Saturday

Blessings come in many shapes sizes and forms. A friend got a grandson for her birthday ~ Blessing. A friend got away for a vacation ~ Blessing. A friend got a boom in business at her hair salon ~ Blessing. Yes, Blessings come in many forms.

My Blessing this week, is my daughter returning home while on a hiatus from her show in LA. She takes the red-eye tonight, and better than any Easter Egg Hunt, I get to find her at the airport. Better than chocolate. Better than peeps. Better than jelly beans. I get time with Sarah.

A friend called yesterday and offered to get tested to see if she is a match to Sarah for her transplant. This is a Big F**king Blessing. It came from the heart, and it is a Blessing. So if you pray chant or just send good energy and thoughts, please do so. Let this be a perfect match. I've been chanting for months for a perfect match. I'm hopeful that at this time of the year, the season of New Beginnings, this is the moment to get that ultimate Blessing.

Mystic Law speaks loudly when you put your faith forward, and believe. Spring has come in so large for us. My Winter of suffering is over, now all that's left is mantainence until October 2010. My port will be removed soon, because of a hidden benefit. I feel stronger each and every day. My hair is coming back in and I look really cute with super short hair. I have a new beginning; my Spring has arrived and I am budding anew.

My daughter's Winter has been a long one. When you look at her, you would never suspect her agony. She is that strong. She is brave, bold, undaunted, and heroic. Spring is coming for her, and her world will be better for her and you will watch her soar with renewed strength. Her suffering will have a gigantic payoff, a bigger benefit than she is prepared for. I feel it in my bones, and mother's always feel the truth about their children. If a mother says, "I feel it in my bones" look out, they are seldom incorrect.

So, on this beautiful day where the sky is a brillant shade of blue and the sun shines and the birds sing the coming of Spring, and the trees burst forth with delicate flowers I will go forth and chant and chant and chant for the perfect match. For my daughter's Spring. I am strong again, and ready to face this next challenge with renewed vigor. Look out world, I get it now, and nothing will stop me or any member of my family from getting happiness. I am armed with the courage I lacked now. So with the strength of a lion, my chanting Nam myoho renge kyo, 'sickness' will have no chance of winning. As a matter of fact, we have already won.

Happy Passover, Happy Easter, Happy Spring!! There is a lot to celebrate. Miracles happen, they really do. Hold on to that if you find yourself in "Winter". Don't doubt, Spring is coming for you, too, and what a day that will be.

Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa