The heat of New York City followed me to Los Angeles, and to add to the situation, there is no A/C at Sarah's apartment. I arrived on Tuesday night very late, delayed in flight by the enormous Thunder Storms that hit NYC just hours before my flight was to take off. Tired and ready for a comfy bed I was hit with a wall of heat as Sarah opened the door to her apartment. "Sorry, the A/C has been out for quite awhile." So I spent the night in a miserable condition. Instead of the comfy bed I slept on the bean bag chair out on the balcony where I found some relief. Clad only in my underwear and camisole I struggled with sleep with ambien as my aid. The heat won.. I had to be up in just a few hours to visit the doctors with Sarah.
The morning came too soon, and the sun rose and woke me up. At least the air had cooled and somehow during the few hours of sleep I had gotten a blanket. It didn't help that Ian called at 5 am. He forgot that I was three hours behind NY, and called to wish us luck. The day started hard and turned harder; one of the hardest days we have had. Nervous and tense, sleep deprived and hung over with Ambien I struggled to keep my head together. I won't go into details about the day, they are private, but it was a very difficult day, and all I wanted to do was run away, pretend it didn't exist, and be someone else without troubles and struggles. Sarah dropped me off at the apartment and went to her boyfriend's. I, on the other hand, fought my way to the apartment took out my beads and started to chant. With tears falling, mind exhausted, and spirit tetterring on the brink I turned so many tears into diamonds. My troubles fell away with each tear and hope took their place. I must fight. I must not give up. I must go forward without fear. This is my vow to my daughter. We have both been through so much, that now when things are toughest we must not give up now.
To vent is to put things lightly, but vent I did. Once I let it all out, I found the steel that is my core. I don't fear, fear kills. I don't worry, worry feeds fear and fear kills. I don't dwell, dwelling leads to worry which leads to fear, and fear kills. I hope which leads to happiness and life. I find a way which leads to hope, and hope leads to happiness and life. I take action and action leads to A Way, which leads to hope, and hope leads to happiness and life. There is a reason we look to the sky when seeking hope. Looking up fills you up; looking down empties you.
Always look up, you will find hope. Find your fighting spirit in whatever struggle you find yourself in. Fight to the end. You will win, no matter what. Do not despair, it will only keep you where you don't want to be. Embrace your struggle, own it. It is a part of you. You must find a way and never give up, never stop moving toward your goals. With that fighting spirit and a positive attitude, there is nothing that can stop you. This I truly believe. Bad things happen and good people suffer, but in the end, at the end of the day...the pure of heart win. So as the 4th night of no A/C continues, and the compressor is delayed, I now can sleep in a bed. The management brought in a portable A/C unit. So while the living room is still hot, the bedroom has cooled. To get through this weekend is the test, and I hope that the apartment will cool even further, like the tempest that brews in my daughter's soul. Anger only goes so far, and then it turns to poison. Humor and determination for a positive outcome and a willingness to do anything to make life better goes on and on and anything is possible. I can only hope that it can be found.
I have great hope. I see some of my friends this weekend and Sarah is busy with her boyfriend and friends being young and carefree. A break from the tense journey ahead. I look forward to some good company and only wish Sarah great happiness and health. That has always been my greatest wish for her. I know deep inside she knows this.
I love you Boo-boo Sarah bear-a. I really do. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.
Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa
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