So yesterday, I wished my hair would just fall out. This morning I ran my fingers through my hair to loosen my crushed curls from the night before and instead of fluffing crushed curls, I pulled out a clump of curls. There they were wrapped around my fingers. I look at the pile of hairs by my side with enough there to make a Barbie wig, and said to myself, "Careful what you wish for." At least I know I will lose my hair, it has been given to me in actual proof. So I think I'll make an appointment to shave my head. The question is, Do I wait until Ed comes home or do it before he comes home? If I wait until next week I'll feel like crap when I do it. If I do it today, Ed will come home to a bald head, and not be able to say goodbye to my curls. He won't get to touch my hair one last time. This is hard. It would have been easier if I'd lost the hair before I went up to see him in Albany. Now that I face it, I'm torn. To shear or not to shear, that is the question.
But the good news is I will be able to start my wig of the week contest soon. It gives me a purpose to lose the hair. Novelty wigs, regular wigs, scarves, and hats. FB friends will vote on pictures posted which wig I will wear for a whole entire week. I'll take pictures of me out and about town donning my wigs. If I have to lose my hair, I want to have fun with it. I don't know if I'll dance with the wig, it could get crazy if I turn and the wig flies across the room. After all I won't have anything to anchor the wig to, only double-sided tape to hold them in place. Although it could prove comedic to see some bright blue wig fly across the dance floor.....
I'm not sad about losing my hair, so don't get all sorry for me. It is part of the journey, and for me, it puts me one step closer to be done with it all. This chapter of my journey is the longest one, and when on a long journey, one must take the time to explore it all. I reflect a lot. And I'm going to share something with you. I am so happy. Happier than I have been in a long time. I know that sounds odd. I have breast cancer, and I'm happy? But I am. For years I have had periods of great sadness. I called them the quarterly blues. I would get profoundly sad, for no real reason, just sad, so unhappy. I'd tell Ed, Sarah, Ian, "I'm so utterly unhappy, and I don't know why. I just feel the well is dry, I have nothing left to give. I never ask for anything, and because I don't, because I give and give, and do and do for everyone but me, I dry up. I need to feed my soul, and though I know you all love me, I just don't feel it." Then I would cry, and cry hard for a long time. I'd sleep and wake in the morning feeling better and the kids and Ed would walk on eggshells for a couple of days, and then I'd feel better and happiness would return, and I'd go back to giving and giving, doing and doing for everyone but me. The one thing I'd give myself was my dance class. That class did more for me than even Luigi can understand. It gave me ME. I could be that girl I knew all those years ago. When I took class, I was 20 again. It didn't matter that I was overweight, that I wasn't the best dancer anymore. I could dance without judgement, and be praised by Luigi.
Now, I'm happy more than I'm sad. I feel a purpose. I share my experience in an effort to heal myself, and if I touch someone in the process, so be it. The single most important thing is to bring awareness to Breast Cancer. Yes, it is scary. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is painful. Yes, it is frustrating. Yes, it changes things, forever. Yes, yes, yes, but what I want people to understand is it makes you look to yourself, makes you take the time you never took for yourself, and it puts things in perspective. So be good to yourself, seriously. Take time to take care of yourself. Don't wait until you have to face the mountain that is hard to climb to take in the view, and enjoy it. Have fun in life. Don't take things too seriously. Laughter is healing. Dancing is living. Loving is easy.
Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa
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