ROLLING ON THE RIVER

February 26, 2010 Friday

I woke this morning to lots of snow. The Mayor, in one of his rare moments, declared a Snow Day. So all I had to do today was go to radiation. Around 10 am the phone rang and it was the Cancer Center asking if I could come in early because of the snow. Fine by me~! That way, I don't have to count down the hours.

So I got Ed and Ian up, and they dug out the car. Ed and I headed North to the Center and I got dressed for the treatment room. When they called me in Tina Turner was wailing in the room, Rolling on the River. One of the ladies went to turn down the music and I said, "NO! I love Tina Turner! Let her sing on." I did a little dance and Nelly said, "That's good that you danced, because if you hadn't no treatment for you..." So what did I do? I broke into the Tina Turner dance. We all laughed like mad, and cheered for the Snow Day. Nothing like Tina having your back when you're facing radiation. The session was a long one today. Full scan, x-rays and the booster dose of radiation. By the time I was done, my arms had frozen in place above my head and my neck was screaming in pain, but it didn't matter, because Tina Turner was still playing in my head, and my Rolling on the River dance played in my mind. What a great way to go into the weekend. Done with radiation before Noon. Now I can relax for the rest of the weekend, and focus on the final two weeks of my treatment. I'm one third through. I'll coat my chest with lotion all weekend and hope that I don't burn too bad.

Life is great! Don't ever stop believing you can reach the other side of a problem. Don't ever give up when faced with adversity. We are all incredible individuals with the capacity to exceed our mind's limitations. You just have to determine that you can.

Have a great weekend, enjoy the snow if you are in it. Tell the people you love the most that you love them

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

SNOW

February 25, 2010 Thursday

I woke this morning to rain that quickly turned to big flakes of snow mixed with rain. It was snowing slush. Yuck. Ed drove me to radiation treatment and the car was covered in a thick layer of goopey slush. As the temperatures drop this will turn to sheets of ice. Gas mileage will go down for sure from the weight. I finished my 4th radiation treatment, and it was much like #'s 2 and 3. Tomorrow will be #5. The boost. I barely get to the Cancer Center when I'm done. It's more like a yo-yo. I enter, I go straight to the dressing room, sit for a couple of minutes, get called in, lay on the table, get placed, and within 5 minutes I'm back in the dressing room getting dressed and heading on my way. Tomorrow will be a longer day, my shoulder will ache more, my neck will feel cricked more, so I'm hoping to get a massage on Saturday and an adjustment from the chiropractor. But that depends on the weather and the road.

I still don't have the burn, but I met two women this morning who do have the burn. I'm not looking forward to that. It's an angry red, almost purple burn, and one of the women have very angry itchy looking bumps. She advised me to use the Calendula lotion at least 3-4 times a day. She didn't and that was the result. She wished someone had told her. So guess what I'm doing today? Lots of calendula lotion, for sure. I don't want the burn anymore than I'd want a root canal without Novocain. She was in great spirits though I must say. She had just finished her last radiation treatment, and was thrilled that she would soon be healing from the treatments. Her life is ready to move on to the other side of being a woman with breast cancer to that woman who survived breast cancer. I want to be that woman. I have to wait until November. Ugh. I'm am impatient, and I know I have to learn to be patient. Good things come to those who wait.

So I sit snug in my apartment, as the slush falls from the sky. My chest is beginning to itch, so the lotion is near and at the ready. Winter, when will you move on, and let Spring visit me? I can't enjoy you right now, you pose too much a risk to me. Spring is so close I can almost touch it, and yet, Winter is a bully, and won't let Spring play.

#5 tomorrow. Week #1 finished, tomorrow. The countdown continues to my freedom.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

DAY TWO RADIATION

February 23, 2010 Tuesday

I had my first radiation treatment yesterday, and the first day was long. They have to do xrays to make sure that everything is lined up correctly and that my heart and lungs aren't in the field of radiation. I have to lie on my stomach with my head to the side and my arms over my head holding onto hand grips while my right breast hangs in a cut out hole on the bed of the machine. Once I laid down, two techs asked me to scooch down, scooch down, don't move let us do the work. Then they'd tug on the sheet, move my right breast, ask me to scooch again, and then finally I was in position. All the scooching and pulling got my neck and shoulder in a weird position that was a kin to Chinese Water Torture. "Now, we are leaving the room, don't move a muscle. Make sure you breathe normally, and remember....don't move." Then they took the x-rays, and then I had to lay there and wait....wait...wait... for the doctor to approve the film so my radiation could begin. I finally got the all clear and within minutes my treatment was finished. My tech came back into the room and said I could relax and move my arm. Easier said than done. My shoulder froze in place, my neck screamed in pain when I went to move. It is so hard to not move. What a work out. Maria gave me a hot pack which was Heaven sent. I have to say that the treatment on every single level at NYU Langone Cancer Center is A number 1. The continued level of compassion and care is unparalleled. I am always met with a smile and encouragement. It makes it easy to smile back and feel safe. I know I am in the best of hands. This isn't easy, but they make it easier. I got home and within a few hours I felt so exhausted. I knew it couldn't be the radiation, most likely the whole crazy weekend catching up to me. I took a nap, and only woke when Ed brought me a plate of food for dinner. I ate, half asleep. I tried to watch the Olympics but my eyes and brain failed me, and I missed the top six Ice Dancers go for Gold. Ed didn't even try to move me to bed, he just left me there on the sofa.

I woke to hungry kitties jumping up into my face, and doing the things that they know they shouldn't; such as, clawing at the couch, clawing the carpet, knocking things over....I gave up at 6 am, and fed them. I had to get up anyway. So I prepped for the day. Chanted for protection and strength, did my Farmville (guilty pleasure) and then woke the guys. Ed drove me up to the Cancer Center, and I was done with my treatment before I could think about doing it. I laid down on the bed and the tech said, "Scooch down, scooch down. Perfect. Now, remember this position every time, and we will always be out early." My neck and shoulder didn't really have time to hurt, so believe me, I will try my best to get it right every time from now on. I thought I was done, but Nelly stopped me and said, "You have to wait, Tuesday you meet with the Doctor." So I called Ed and told him to park and come in because he likes to be there for the Doctor meetings. My radiation time was 8:15 am, I was done by 8:20 am; we had to wait until 9:50 am to see the Doctor. Glad I brought a book. I love my radiation Oncologist. She is worth the wait. She always makes time to answer your questions completely. She showed us the images and exactly how the radiation beams were entering my body and how they were missing the lungs and heart. I am really only getting radiated in the area that needs it, nothing more. It's good to know that.

I am in the "B" arm of this trial. This means that instead of getting a booster dose every day, I'll be getting one big boost on Fridays. This will carry me through to Mondays. Fridays will be my long day, so instead of 5 minutes of radiation I'll be in the room for 20 - 30 minutes because on Fridays they also do an x-ray. I'm glad I have the "B" arm.

By the time I start to feel the fatigue, I'll be almost done with treatment. By the time I start to show the effects of radiation, i.e. burn, peeling, itching... I'll be done with treatment. So many benefits with being in this trial.

1. Only 3 weeks vs. 6 weeks

2. No exposure to my heart and lungs

3. Targeted dose to only the tumor site.

4. I won't have to push through for many weeks feeling drained

5. I won't have to suffer with prolonged exposure to radiation while burned.

I am so lucky. So as I lay on the bed this morning, I got teary. Not because I was afraid or was in pain, but because I thought about how lucky I am, and how protected I am, and how grateful I am that I found a spiritual center, Buddhism. I have always believed that Everything happens for a reason, and even though it may seem awful at the moment, time will reveal the good. I hope that if you are on this journey of Breast Cancer that you take with you Hope, and that I can give you Courage, and that you remember to keep your sense of Humor. These three things are important. I walk through this mess and can honestly smile. I will win, and become stronger. I have found my inner peace and I am happier than I have ever been.

Life is good.

2 down, 13 to go.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

1ST DAY OF RADIATION

February 22, 2010 Monday

Today is the first day of my radiation treatment. Nervous, a little. But more than anything, I'm ready to get it on. I'm ready to move forward and get it over with. I'm really tired today, most likely because of the busy weekend. Ian's show closing, Ed's sister and husband coming down to see Ian in the show, the closing night party, and then staying up way too late to discuss the play, getting up way too early to go to the Culture Center to stock up on diamoko so I have added protection this week, Ian's Kung Fu demonstration, celebrating the Chinese New Year at Congee Village with Ian's class and great friends, and then helping Ian make Bolivian macaroons for his Spanish Class. All over two days. Whew! Then add in the over abundance of hot flashes, aching joints, and the insomnia... AARRGGHH!! Don't get me wrong, I loved every single second of this past weekend, and I wouldn't change a thing, it's just that it was exhausting. I have a memory of Ed trying to get me to get up from the couch to move to the bed, and my attempt that failed, so then begging him to leave me there, but it's more like a dream.

I'm good for one big task a day, so I really pushed myself this weekend. Just goes to show how much I want to get back to my crazy life. I'm over being a couch potato, too weak to move. I've gained an understanding of patience, but I've never been that gal, and to be honest, will most likely go back to being the "Go, go, go girl!" once I gain back my energy. This treatment brought me to my knees, but it NEVER took away my spirit. So exhausted with muscles sore and joints aching, I surge forth to meet the day, and conquer it the same way I always do ~ with determination.

I look forward to the day I can once again take my Luigi dance class and then walk all the way home. For those who don't know, that is a long walk. 68th & Columbus Ave all the way to 6th ST and 1st Ave. Not a walk for light-weights nor wimps. I miss my long walks through the City I love. Spring is on the way, and when it arrives, I'll be ready.

I'm thinking about doing the Avon Walk in October, anyone want to join me?

Facebook me if you want to form a walking team.

Well, off to the day and to get prepared for radiation.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

THE WEEKEND BEFORE

February 20, 2010 Saturday

It is the Saturday before I begin Radiation. I'd like to say I'm up early and all is quiet, but it's not. I am up early, and only Niki, my little white and grey cat is awake with me, curled up under a blanket on the couch giving herself a bath. Blue is perched high a top a box in the living room, Ed is snoozing away, Ian out like a light in his loft. It could be peaceful, right? No. Outside on the Avenue Con Ed is hammer jacking away at the street, disrupting what could be a peaceful Saturday morning. I sip my Earl Grey Tea and think about Monday, and wonder what will it be like? I'm excited, anxious, and very ready to get it going. I'm hoping that I won't burn my skin. I never was one that did well in the sun so I'm nervous about that. I was the girl at the pool in the bikini with the white t-shirt hiding all my assets, and with my nose smeared with zinc. Definitely a social killer, and a big reason boys didn't look at me like they did my younger sister, Erin. Erin was thin, leggy, and tanned with ease. Me? Fair skinned, short and slim, but next to my sister I always felt fat. I always burned, and peeled, and burned again. Now, I accept my fair skin, and am glad I hid from the sun, because I look like I'm in my 30's and Erin looks likes she's...well we don't go there. Suffice it to say, I am the elder and since we were in our late teens - early 20's I was the one who always got carded. Ah, the sun is a false friend it gives you a lovely tan, but steals your youthful skin, leaving you to look 10 years older than you are.

My son's show closes tonight, and what a great run it's had. He's learned so much, and it seems to have recharged his love of acting. So tonight we will watch one last time with pride with his Aunt Sally and Uncle Pentii, his Godmother Suzanna, and many other friends in the audience. My fair son, who burns like me, and is tall like his father.

I'll go to the Culture Center tomorrow to Soka Spirit to give me extra courage to face Monday's first treatment, and chant hard and long. I've been asked to give my experience again on Tuesday at a Discussion Meeting so I'm very excited about that. Even my hubby, Ed will attend the meeting to support me. He is not a spiritual man, but little does he know he is full of spirit. He is so loving and giving, and I am the luckiest gal on the planet. You know you are loved when someone (Ed) makes you a Butsadan for your gohanson, goes to hear you give your experience to a room full of Buddhists, and makes you oatmeal, does the dishes, and everything else. I am so blessed.

Today is a beautiful day, and I intend to enjoy it. I hope you have a beautiful day, and that you have the opportunity to tell the people you love just how much you appreciate them.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

THE ROAD TO HEALTH

February 18, 2010 Thursday

The road to health is long. Yesterday, I felt good, I rose early, the new norm. We headed out to Jersey to get adjusted at the chiropractor. Yes, he is that good, that we drive an hour to him. My headache cured. I returned to the City and Ed and I headed up to Trader Joe's for our big shop. After that, I was spent, but laundry had to get done, dinner had to be made, Ian had to get to the show. So downstairs I went to do the laundry. Once it was in, all I had to do was wait, read, and rest. Two hours later, I was super spent. So there I sat on the couch, staring off into space, hot flashing left and right. I did discover that if you use the little round ice packs that they give you after biopsies and put them in your bra it lessens the hot flash. As you can imagine, I have a lot of them in the freezer. It has really helped. Ian had dinner after the show, so I got to rest. We watched Sarah on Modern Family and then flipped over to the Winter Olympics for the rest of the night. I drifted off to sleep watching Sean win his gold medal in snowboarding. I tried to sleep in my bed, but the hot flashes got so bad that I returned to the couch and left the window open. So I slept fitfully between freezing my ass off and sweating like mad. This lack of sleep is getting to me. It makes me cranky. Gives me headaches. Today my tumor site is aching. The nerves coming back to life, no doubt. I finished doing the laundry this morning, and now I take a break before heading uptown to do banking business.

The Road to Healing is long, but as long as I have rest stops along the way, I can do it. Some days I wish they were closer together.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

FIRST DAY OF HERCEPTIN ONLY

February 16, 2010 Tuesday

Yesterday was my first day of "Herceptin only" treatment. It was President's Day and the waiting room was pretty much empty. I went in right away, only to have my port decide that it didn't want to work. So my nurse flushed and flushed, and gave me heparin and there I sat waiting for the hep to work. Ten minutes later...the port worked, barely. She had to draw manually, grr. When that happens, my port aches the rest of the day, and no surprise, still aches this morning. After drawing my bloods, I headed upstairs to Dr. Speyer, and by the time I got up there, I had developed a cough; a nagging tickle in my throat that wouldn't let go. grrr. Saw Dr. Speyer and we discussed the road forward. Good news. My Herceptin treatments will not be 90 minutes in length, they will be 30 minutes. Yeah! He assured me that my gut issues, my jerky leg syndrome, and my exhaustion will get better, but couldn't give me a definite timeline, as each person is different. It could take up to a year. Bah! I will shorten that. Just wait and see. So after a nice Doctor/Patient chat, I headed back downstairs where Ed was waiting for me. I got hooked up to the Herceptin and within 40 minutes I was done. I didn't have time to finish even one chapter of my book. I was sprung for "good behavior". It felt so odd to be leaving before Noon. But what was odder? was leaving without feeling high, disconnected, and flushed. Ed offered to pull the car around, but I chose to walk to the car 7 blocks and 2 Avenues away. I was so happy with a spring to my step. Energy! Life was great, and when we got to the car, I saw it first. A Parking ticket. grrrr. Ed had not realized he parked in a No Parking anytime except on Sunday zone. All of the cars had tickets. No doubt everyone thought that parking rules were suspended. Ed got duped. He was very upset, but I was "Whatever. It happens" I refused to let anything pull me down from the natural high of feeling good. We pulled away from the curb turned the corner and the car shuddered and ran out of gas. I just started laughing. Ed was furious! Here we were across the street from Bellevue Hospital, out of gas, no power steering. Stuck. I called AAA and requested assistance, and while we waited for gas, drama broke out in the middle of the avenue. A man had collapsed in the the crosswalk, firetrucks blocked the Avenue to protect the man. Only one lane was open for traffic, and you guessed it, it was the very lane we were stuck in. So we aided and abetted the traffic jam on 1st Ave. We had several police cars stop by and tell us to move..."Sorry, we are out of gas, can't move. We are waiting for AAA to help us. Sorry." We popped the hood on the car, and still Police cars kept stopping to tell us to move. "Sorry, can't. Out of gas." Finally the AAA guy arrived and gave us gas, and we pulled away, Ed fuming, me laughing. It wasn't until later that I thought "My God, for once, I wasn't the first to run out of gas." The car had assumed the role.

Later, I went to the show with Ian, because a good friend I rarely get to see was coming, and also Ms. Lynn Redgrave was coming to see the show. An honor to have her see my son. I sat in the audience watching her more than the show, to be honest. I watched to see if she liked the show. She did. After the show, Cynthia (the mom in the show) introduced me to her. Star struck to be sure. I thanked her for her work over the years, but more importantly, I thank her for her bravery in sharing her breast cancer journey through her book, Journal, a photography journal produced by her daughter and herself. Her simple honesty and quiet strength and her daughter's candid photos of her mom facing the reality of this insidious disease were awe inspiring. Her entries hit home with me several times. That Broadway/Lafayette subway stop with the mountain of stairs challenged Ms. Redgrave the same way they challenged me. Heart pounding, legs zapped of strength, energy sucked dry. We shared a common bond in those stairs. I told her I had the same experience on those damn stairs and her eyes lit up as she knew their was someone else who shared and understood those stairs. She was inspiring. So beautiful, still. I left feeling so inspired by her strength grace and beauty. My inspiration just keeps going on and on. Who will inspire me today?

I love waking up today and not feeling disconnected. What will today hold for me? The weather is yucky, but it will not bring me down. I feel too good, and this is just the beginning of the road to GREAT!

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

VALENTINE'S DAY

February 15, 2010 Monday

First of all, Happy Valentine's Day. I hope you had a love filled day. Mine started with my gift sitting on the kitchen table. Ed made a butsudan for me. Butsudan? What the heck is that? It is a case for my gohonzon. The scroll I chant to. It is beautiful and I love love love it! I'll post a picture of it soon. While the boys were asleep I slipped out the door to the Culture Center to get my dose of energy for the week. Tea/Coffee afterwards with my gals, and encouraging conversation. I have to say that this past weekend was simply wonderful.

My son's show was extended, and on Saturday Gloria Steinem came to the show; as well as Anthony Rapp. What an incredible night for my son. But for me, Saturday was an awe inspiring day. I was asked to give my experience to a group of women at the Culture Center. I had prepared the text for a couple of weeks, and was excited and nervous about speaking in front of these women. But once I got up there, it became easy to speak, to share my journey with them. We all cried; crying tears of inspiration and hope. When I finished and looked up to the crowd of 50 strong women, the kleenex was flying and tears were flowing, and I knew I had faced my demons. It validated my cause. To win, to be victorious, to share my cause of hope and caring for ourselves. I've gotten several women to schedule mammograms, but if I had only inspired one woman to do so, I would have won. Now, I know my cause is huge, because I got many to think about what it means to take of oneself. The afternoon rolled on with three other women sharing their experiences, and each one unique, each one inspiring, and each one common with the message of caring for self. From the legacy of Great-grandmothers to grandmothers to mothers to daughters and breaking the tendency of self loathing, to looking for love in all the wrong places only to find love within, to battling colon cancer; walking right up to the edge of death and winning against insurmountable odds. The room was flooded with tears and laughter and hope. The message, We are stronger than we ever imagined ourselves to be, and so are you

I met a woman who made a documentary out of the stills and film footage her father took of her. An award winning documentary on the abuse she suffered her entire childhood. She is an inspiration in hope. Her strength after she found this stash of sickness, of poison and turned it into medicine was incredible. Her father had stripped her of her power, and in his death she has grabbed it back. go to this site to see her documentary.

themarinaexperiment.com

Warning! it is disturbing, and images are very disturbing, but it sends its message loud and clear. It is obvious why it has won so many awards. I say, When will Oprah have her on her show? It is that powerful.

The weekend was about more than just love, it was about self-love. Turning poison into medicine, and strength.

Last night Ed and I returned to our favorite restaurant Caffe Della Pace for a romantic dinner. The first time out to eat in a very long time. It felt normal again last night. Normal feels AWESOME. We returned home and I drifted off to dreamland happy and inspired to face this week.

This morning in about an hour I start my "herceptin only" treatment for the rest of the year. Next week, I begin radiation. I have a strength I didn't know existed to face down the rest of treatment.

Goals, to do the Avon Breast Cancer Walk in October. Anyone interested in joining me? I have to register yet, but I will do it. Thanks Ruth for inspiring me to do the walk.

To turn this blog into a One-Woman show and get it produced.

To continue to find Joy in life.

To become the best possible person I can be.

Have a wonderful week full of love, joy, and peace.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

SETTING UP RADIATION

February 11, 2010 Thursday

I went to the Cancer Center on Tuesday to meet with Dr. Formenti, my Radiology Oncologist. What a long day it turned into. I decided to join a Phase III study on booster radiation. So I had to read the contract which was super long, and initial and sign multiple times. Then we had to wait to speak with the doctor. I love her. She is the kind of doctor that takes her time, she explains completely everything. What to expect, how to deal with issues that may arise, and doesn't balk at the hard questions (that Ed had). She is beautiful and has a lovely Italian accent. She is the kind of doctor that checks and rechecks everything. LOVE THAT!

So..I will be starting my radiation therapy on 2/ 22/10 and it will go for three weeks. I'm not sure which arm of the study I'll be in. Arm A is a booster dose every day to the tumor bed (where Mr. Lumpy was) five days a week for three weeks. Arm B is a booster dose every Friday with a regular dose every day five days a week for three weeks. Both work they just want to see if one is better than the other. So far with this study there really is no big difference. I'm just happy to be a part of it, to get my treatment done in three weeks and that I won't be on my back exposing my lungs and heart to radiation. I'll be laying face down with my boob in a hole. Sounds sexy doesn't it?

I had my set up done. I get specially marked tape put in places and bb markers as well. then I get put in the CT and an image of my breast and chest is taken. Then I got 4 tatoos!! Don't get all excited. I can barely see them. A dot tatoo on my boob, and 3 on my back. They will use these dots to make sure that the machine lines up exactly in the same place every time. I am such a wimp, those tatoos hurt, so I'm pretty certain it's safe to say I won't be getting a full blown tatoo anytime soon. I HATE NEEDLES. So if you see me sporting a tat, it'll most likely be a press on.

I cannot wait to get this started. Eleven days away is too long to wait. Wish I could start tomorrow. It's getting exciting now, because the end is in sight. I'm almost through all of this mess and will be able to move on with my life. The exhaustion is still with me from the chemo, but it is getting less and less. I still have some trouble coming up with words from time to time, but that, too, is getting better. Soon I won't have "Chemo Brain" as an excuse. lol I'm nervous about adding tomatoes and citrus back into my diet. My gut still has moments of queeziness. I guess I'll trust my "gut" to know when I can.

Today, I plan on taking it easy. I have a really bad headache, so perhaps some sleep is in order.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

RADIATION MEETING

February 9, 2010 Tuesday

Yesterday was a great day! I finally got back to my Luigi. My, how I missed dance class. It felt so good to move again. The morning started with exhaustion. I almost didn't go. I decided to take a nap before I made my final decision. I woke still wiped out, but determined that if I didn't go then, I'd be less likely to go the rest of the week. I promised myself I wouldn't push myself, and if I didn't feel good, I'd quit and just observe. Ed didn't want me to go, he saw how tired I was, but I promised to be a good girl. When I arrived at the studio, it was as if everyone knew I was coming. All my friends were there. Hugs and cheers, and kisses. I almost cried when I saw my dance mentor, Luigi. I knew I missed him, I just didn't realize how much. The love was an instant dose of good medicine. It was a good class for me, I got almost all the way through the warm-up before feeling like I had to back off a little, and Laura was there to remind me to slow down. A gentle whisper and a hug that it would take time to get back to the way I was. Permission to mark it. Thank you. Next choreography. I was nervous that my brain wouldn't be able to retain, since I have trouble remembering short term right now. Chemo brain sucks. But dance is from the heart, and my heart doesn't have short term memory, it is full of decades of training, dance is from heart, the soul. I did well, and it wasn't until the last 10 minutes of class that I started to feel as if the brain and heart were not communicating. So I did my best and didn't beat myself up too much when my legs wouldn't do what my brain was asking. I LOVE LUIGI. He doesn't realize the love he truly gives. He infects you with spirit and joy. As I took class I was once again thinking, "This should be a class for Breast Cancer patients. It gently moves you. The stretching of the arms, and your body has helped me loosen up the scar tissue and I have such wonderful range of motion. If I could I'd find a way to make it possible for every woman recovering from breast cancer surgery to take this class.

After class, the gals headed off for a light lunch and coffee (water for me), and we had a grand time chatting, catching up, and enjoying each other's company. Next I met Ian to take him to his first class with Greg Parente, Meisner Technique, then after the class rushed Ian to his show. By the time I got home, I was spent. A great day, but in reality, I did too much.

Today, I'm super tired. Knew I would be, but thankfully, I only have to go to my Radiation Oncology appointment to meet with Dr. Fermente and discuss my treatment, and do a CatScan. After that, I'll come home and do some shopping before the big snow storm blows into town. then, tonight, I'll cuddle up next to my sweetheart and most likely drift off to sleep. And it's nice to know that the City has already reported that schools will be closed tomorrow. So as the snow falls on the City that never shuts down over night, the sounds of the City will be muted in the morning and my dreams will continue beyond the dawn.

Today, is Part Two of my treatment. The journey continues on, and I continue my determination in complete victory in overcoming Breast Cancer, and becoming the healthiest I've ever been.

Here's to a better me!

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

JURY DUTY SUMMONS

February 4, 2010 Thursday

No one really wants to get that jury duty summons in the mail. No one, don't lie. I have always been called to serve at the most inopportune moments in my life. Surgery for my daughter, every single time. Ian nursing at 6 months of age and Ed out of town for months, with no family support. Me working out of town. Sarah working out of town, and only I could be with her. Now why should my having breast cancer be any different. I got my summons a couple of weeks ago and I knew that I could get excused if only I could remember to tell the Doctor's office about it. Chemo brain. This morning I came across the summons, and I thought take care of it now. So I did. =D

I called the Jury Dept at City Hall, and with no more trouble than asking to have the salt passed, the woman I spoke to quickly gave me all the information I needed to finish up being excused. I didn't have to go downtown, I didn't have to have a zillion pieces of evidence proving I couldn't serve. I am so grateful for the kindness. Now, that being said, why was it so f-ing hard when I was a mom with a sick daughter in and out of the hospital? Why did I have to drag myself and my kids downtown to beg, yes, beg to get of serving? Have they seen the error of their ways? When I think of how hard it was in the past, and how with one 45 second call it was all taken care of, it can make me feel a little nutty.

I am feeling better today, the shock of movement from the other night is calming down. I spoke with my nurse today, and all the things I was going through was a major blood pressure drop, because my body was overloaded with the idea of moving such a large amount of poo. It's nice to know what it was, and I promise I will try my best to never get that full again. What a horrible feeling. Scary, super scary, but now I know I wasn't having a stroke.

I'm beginning to get that Ol' Melissa back. The chemo fog is lifting for the last time. I can't wait to go back to Class and dance again. The Groundhog predicted 6 more weeks of Winter, but my Spring is going to come early, I believe. I did a lot today. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. I am buried beneath an avalanche of work I've put off. Taxes are next. Pray for me.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

EVERY PARTY NEEDS A POOPER

Februaray 3, 2010 Wednesday

WHAT A HARD NIGHT! Figuratively and literally. Out of all the chemo rounds, I have never had the displeasure of constipation. Of course, my body desiring to experience it all decided it was time to "Poop or get off the pot" about constipation. For the past week, no amount of water, fiber, ANYTHING could get things to move, so last night, crabby uncomfortable and in pain I turned to Senecot. I was tired of biting off heads over the least little thing. It is never good to induce anything. Giving birth the Midwives all warn not to induce labor unless absolutely necessary. As kids, moms would say, "don't force, dear, it will just make things worse..." and for me, taking a laxitive was the "break the glass" measure. I knew by taking it I was in for a rough night; I was FOS (full of shit), and once things started it was going to be Hell to pay.

It was. Simple as that. The pain is worse than child birth. I thought several times I would pass out. My arms were buzzing with strange signals, the nausea, the light-headedness, the cramping; it seemed to go on forever without resolve. Of course the middle of the night was when things decided to move, so try as I might, the pain was too much and the crying out became necessary because I truly thought I'd faint. Ian was the first to arrive at the bathroom door. "Get me a chair to lean on." Magically a chair. Ed arrived shortly after pushing a worried Ian back to bed. Ed stood on the other side of the door helplessly standing by for whatever he could do, if anything. Time and the pain marched on, and I begged for something other than what I felt. I'd close my eyes and all I could see were flashes of raindrops on the back of my eyelids. My brain was buzzing with confusion and fear. I thought that soon I'd implode and secretly hoping it would be all over, and I'd find my Heaven. Once things "decided" to go, I was violently evacuated. Why do girls choose to do this to be thin? I'd rather be the size of a barn, than choose this as a way to control weight.

I know this post is ugly and no one ever wants to talk about poo, but this is for me to look back on and say, "I made it through that night." It is a reality of Cancer and it's treatment. I choose not to sugarcoat anything. Good is good, and ugly is ugly. Sometimes no matter what you do to avoid the train wreck, it still happens.

After 2 hours in the bathroom, I emerged exhausted, 500lbs. lighter, and in a complete cold sweat. I slept on the couch because 1. it was closer to the bathroom 2. Ed had suffered enough, he deserved uninterrupted sleep. I tossed and turned, still suffering the aftershocks of my own devastating earthquake, and in the moments of sleep I got, the cats made sure to wake me with their nocturnal antics. Morning came and the routine had to be met. Ian is off to school, Ed is still asleep, and I sit here still feeling dehydrated after drinking 4 big glasses of water, zapped of any energy I might have had today, and low and behold, I DON'T feel empty. Hopefully the dam has been broken and the worst is over.

So my day is devoted to rest. I am spent. I'd rather have IBS issues any day of the week over constipation. I'm through the knothole, and that is a good thing.

Sorry to be the party pooper, but it is my party....

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa

LONG ROAD TO HEALTH

February 2, 2010 Tuesday

Yesterday was my son's 15th Birthday. Yesterday, I still struggled with effects of chemo. Yesterday, I still had not gotten a present to celebrate his day. Yesterday, I pulled myself up and walked in the cold winter air of NYC with my son up to Game Stop and said, "Pick out the game you want, this is your birthday present. Then we have to go, I'm not feeling well." The walk was 13 blocks North and 13 blocks back South. The walk wiped me out. By the time I got home, my legs felt like lead, my soul locked in a body laden down with the weight of fatigue. I collapsed on the couch and was too tired to be frustrated. But frustrated I was. I am not this person, the kind that has No Energy. I am the woman who has energy to spare. I am the woman who walks EVERYWHERE!! It is something I love to do; one of the reasons I love living in NYC. Walking is like breathing to me, and a 26 block outing is nothing to me, but yesterday, I might as well have walked the length of Manhattan.

I know, I know, this is the last chemo, I'll start to feel better soon, my energy will return, and soon I'll be back to walking all over again. Back to dance. Back to Life. But we who tread this path, get over being tired, not being able to fully contribute, or feel like we are part of this Universe. So I pushed back. Ian had a show that night, and had friends coming up to see him in the show. So I rested, plotting my comeback. Ed and I drove Ian the kids up to the show and then I went to WholeFoods and bought a birthday cake for after the show. We went back to the theatre and set up the cake and waited. Little did I know that the wonderful cast had a plan of their own. Cynthia (Ian's mom in the show) made not just one cake, but also made an apple/pecan pie. So Ian's birthday celebration turned into a party. The audience was invited to join in the celebration; cake was served to all, not just the chosen few. Delicious baked goods were devoured by all, Ian felt special, and I refused the pull of gravity, high on seeing my son smile and laugh and be admired by friends and strangers. All sang Happy Birthday, and the night ended well.

The road to health is a long journey, and there will be days when you think you just can't put one more foot in front of the other, but then something will stir deep inside you, that sense of survival, and it will drive you forward to the day. You will not only overcome the weight of the day, but you will surprise yourself. I was tired at the end of the day, but to see the smile on my 15 year old son's face was worth the struggle. I promise, next year, the party will be BIG! This year it had to be small and on the fly. My way is long, and it may be hard at times, but I will arrive at the finish line, and when I do, I will be on time, I will be strong, I will be beautiful, I will happy, I will be a new improved woman, battle scarred and worn, but proud of every single scar, every single struggle, every single battle.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa