I started the week off so well. So happy, full of joy, ready to conquer the week. Physically that is not a problem. My treatment is not the issue. The frustrations of being a human being with expectations is.
Motherhood is difficult even at the best of times. But when faced with the challenge of battling cancer and having a child 3,000 miles away from you is really difficult. I let my expectations get the best of me. I thought that all the years of support and love and worry and fighting for my eldest's health and well being had earned me care and concern. To be specific, phone calls from the Coast that involved words of concern for me. For months I've gotten only a handful of those calls, and not to say my daughter is an uncaring individual would be unfair to her. She does care, and I know she loves me deeply. that said she is caught up in being 19 and having success that people in their late 20's can only hope to enjoy. So couple that success with being 19 (the age of self-centeredness) I get little love. I get phone calls of need, angst, even frustration. The kind of calls I simply can't handle right now. What I need to get are calls of excitement, joy, and love. The random call to check in on me, to see how I'm doing. The call that says with excitement, "I'm going to Hawaii!!! The show is being shot there for a week. I want to stay a few days after shooting is done, is that okay?" Instead, I found out she was shooting the episode in Hawaii through reading the trade papers online. Then to add insult to injury I get a FB post from Sarah's boyfriend's mother, "Isn't it exciting that our kids are going to Hawaii this coming week?"
That post was such a slap in my face. The boyfriend's mother had been told, yet I was left out. I know it was expectation that took me to my knees, but none-the-less, it hurt deeply. The boyfriend's mother had no way of knowing I hadn't been told; she had done nothing wrong in sharing her excitement for them. How often does one get to go to Hawaii? Actually, I had chanted for Sarah to get to go to Hawaii, not for Modern Family but for another project she was hoping to get that shoots in Hawaii. So for me it was salt in an already festering wound.
Texts went unanswered. Voice mail went unanswered. Email went unanswered. Finally after days of being ignored she finally called. The call started out fine, but quickly devolved into pain and frustration. Not just about the trip; the trip was only the catalyst that brought up my feelings of neglect. She was simply not aware of her neglect. My pain was raw, real, and mean. I text her everyday, and she never responds. All I ask for is the acknowledgement of the letter 'k'. I tell her that now when my phone rings and I see her face pop up, I think, "Now what? What has gone wrong this time? What does she need now?" not what should really happen when I see her face ~ "It's Sarah! Yeah!!! I wonder what wonderful thing is happening now!" Her defense was that she "forgets" that I'm fighting Cancer because she is 3,000 miles away. That is her way of dealing with everything hard. Forget it, deny it, avoid it. That is fine if she wants to do that with her shit, but not okay when it comes to me. I NEED her to be concerned. I NEED her to care and call and check in. I NEED her to send a text that says "Thinking of you" "I luv u" "How r u" Not everyday, once a week would be nice. It doesn't take much to make me happy.
I spent Monday evening crying and desolate. Not where I wanted to be, and yet I let myself fall into the pit of self pity. I thought I was over it Tuesday morning; I wasn't. I cried all morning and my day reflected my mood with obstacles left and right. My mood, sour and bitter. Thank goodness for the Study Meeting Tuesday night. I went I chanted I listened and I learned. I realized that my "fundamental darkness" took the form of my daughter and tricked me into believing that I was not worthy of being a mom to Sarah. I tricked myself into thinking she didn't care, because that is my biggest fear. Losing her. When you love as deeply as I do, it is easy to get hurt by the one you love the most. There is something about your first born; that bond that makes it hard to let go. The fact that Sarah was born with so many medical issues only made that bond even more strong. For so many of her formative years it really was Sarah and Mommy against the World. Part of her clings to that and part of her desires to break free. I want her to break free of the "do for me" and keep the closeness part.
My wish is to have more phone calls that revolve around what is going on that is fun and exciting in her life and less of the "mommy as heavy". "did you go to get your bloods done? did you take your aranesp? Have you gone over to so and so's to get the boxes you left there when you moved? Have you done this, have you done that?, etc, etc, etc" It is a two way street. I won't ask if I know those things are happening.
So expectation has reared it's ugly head again, and this time it's on me.
I'm half way done with radiation, today is #8 of 15. My skin is holding up, my breast tissue feels like it is getting harder. Don't like that, but I'm doing my exercises to keep flexibility. I use my lotion. My medical has become the status quo, my "normal". What will I do when it's over? Will I be depressed? or move on with joy? I hope for the latter of the two.
Tired but hanging in there.
Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa
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