Today was my second to last radiation treatment. I woke this morning very tired, wishing I could go back to the bed and snuggle in on this grey dreary soon to be raining day. I did my morning routine, walked Ian to the elevator kissed him goodbye wishing him a great day at school. I let Ed sleep in a bit, and soon we were off to the Cancer Center.
My exhaustion is there, always there, but doable. I was in such a great mood, looking forward to the second to last treatment, for tomorrow it is done, over, finished. The routine started out the same as it always does. Check in, say good morning, go back to the inner waiting area....this is where the needle record screech happens...I put my things in the locker, turn to go into the dressing room to change, when I see a teenager lounging in one of the dressing rooms; the other room is closed and so I assume it is occupied. I politely say to the girl, "Um, do you need to use the room? because I need to change into my robe." She looks up at me and says, "Isn't the other room open? I think it is." I was like wait a minute, you aren't suppose to be in these rooms, they really are for patients only. She leaves the dressing room and gives me lip under her breathe as she passes me by. Okay, whatever. I really don't want to get into it with her. After the 30 seconds it takes me to change, I come out to get my book and to hang the rest of my clothing up in my locker, and she says, "You just told me to get out the room because you are a RACIST." WWWHHHAAATTT????!!!! Where did she get that idea? I laughed and said, "I'm not a racist. I would have said that to anyone who was in the room that didn't belong. That room is for patients only, not for your comfort." She then said to quit talking to her, why are you still talking to me. Go away. And back into her texting she dove. I said, "I'm talking to you because you accused me of being a racist, of which I am not. I want to be clear with you that I don't care if your skin is purple, white or blue like the Avatar that I would have said the same thing to you. Color had nothing to do with my requesting you to leave that room. It is for patients only." She then said something else snide under her breath and I then said, "You know what? You are just a brat. A fucking little brat, and color figures nothing into bad behavior." She said she was glad I wasn't her mother, to which I responded with, "If I were your mother, you wouldn't behave this way. My daughter knows better than to sit in an area that is not for her use. And she certainly wouldn't speak to anyone the way you are." To wit she responds with, "I'll be sure to tell my mom that when she's on her death bed." This is where it starts to go WAY OUT OF BOUNDS. I say, "Excuse Me?" She says her mom has Breast Cancer (as if that is her get of of Bad Behavior Card) and I say, "I'm sorry, but I, too, have Breast Cancer and don't need to be spoken to the way you are speaking to me." Then the tipping point comes.
She says, " Good! Good! I'm glad you have Breast Cancer! I'm glad!" Translation: YOU DESERVE TO HAVE BREAST CANCER AND I HOPE YOU DIE SOON.
That was it for me...I jumped up to get someone to have her removed. What I really wanted to do was to smack her upside the head with the very heavy, hard bound book was I trying to read, but somehow Josei Toda ( the man the book is about) stopped me. A tall African-American man came into the waiting area to find out what was going on. He was a radiation tech. Confused by the commotion and trying to discern what was going on, I said to him, "I really need you to escort this young lady out. She is really upsetting me." She, of course, started in with the "I didn't do anything to her. She's crazy." I repeated myself, by this time I was shaking I was so upset. Nelly came in, (my radiation tech) and saw me upset; she had NEVER seen me anywhere near this level of anxiety. I repeated that I really needed this girl to leave the room, but it seemed to fall on deaf or confused ears. The girl came between me and Nelly and started with her revisionist history (better than Dick Cheney could have done) "I was just sitting here calmly and she came in all upset and crazy and was yelling at me to get out of the room because she needed to change. I asked her if the other room was open so I could go in there, and she went all crazy on me. Saying I was a bad daughter and that if she were my mom...blah blah blah...LIES!!!!! Nelly, super confused by this, looks around this girl to me and I mouth the words, "All lies! She's lying." Nelly moves over to me and says what happened, I told her she accused me of being a racist because I asked her to leave the dressing room and those rooms are for patients only. Nelly was like, this is all a misunderstanding, let's calm down. we can't have you upset going into the treatment, this isn't right...blah, blah, blah, let me get you a glass of water. I again say, "This girl really is upsetting me, I really need her to wait out in the outer waiting room. I can't be in the same room with her." The girl sits and smirks, and goes back to her texting, probably telling all of her friends what a "racist bitch" I am. Her defense to being in the dressing room was that no one was there to use them. L-A-M-E! Well, I came in and wanted to use the dressing room. period. end of story. She should have said, "Oh, no, go ahead, I'm sorry. Here you go." That would have ended it, but she just had to be flippant, and my sense of Right and Wrong kicked in and off I went; I took her bait like a very hungry fishy.
The techs went off, I sat there for about 30 seconds and said, "I wish you'd just go back to the dressing room, so I can't see you. You have really upset me with the things that you said." She told me she wouldn't move, with a sick twisted smirk. I rose and said, "I can't even be in the same room with you, you make me ill." I left for the bathroom and there I stayed until Nelly came to get me. I let the cold water run over my wrists the whole time, I found it hard to breathe, the tears stung my face, and the sobs wouldn't stop. The Racist comment I could let go, the "Glad you have Breast Cancer" comment, no, indefensible, rude, MEAN, MEAN beyond bounds. Did I deserve Cancer, no. The fact that someone was glad that I had it? PAINFUL.
I cried throughout my treatment, they took me in before a woman who was in the room witnessing the whole thing, just so I could leave and go home; get out of there. The girls were so kind to me, even the woman who gave up her slot so I could go ahead of her, kind. I know I would have done the same if it had been she in my shoes. I'm sure the teen's mother would have smacked her upside the head if she knew, but to be sure, the teen was giving her "truth" false as it were and the mother, being a mother, believed her. When I got off the table, I told Nelly the girl said she was glad that I had breast cancer; that was why I was so upset. The look of shock on her face said it all; I was justified to be shaken by her mean words. She promised to speak to the mother about her daughter's behavior. I said, "I just want to never see her again, so if the mom is scheduled tomorrow next to me, please move me to another time." Nelly assured me I was not a racist, she would have known the first day, that I was nothing close to that. That I was a very good person, and not let what the girl said hurt me. I appreciate that, but the words were said, and they were spilled with venom, and venom burns, worse than any amount of radiation. Words cannot be taken back once spilled. They hang in the air like poisonous gas, putrid and heavy, choking the good out of the room. She may not have meant what she said, but they were said; too late to take back, an apology is not an option at this point.
I changed and as I was leaving the room, the older Jewish lady, who had witnessed the whole mess, said to me, "Don't let her ruin your day." This woman NEVER came to my defense through it all, I'm sure because she was frightened and confused as well. I looked at her and said, "I'll try, I'll really try." But the pain in my heart, on my soul screamed in agony. I went through the door to the waiting area where Ed looked up with a big happy smile on his face and all I could do was say, "I have to get out of here, now. I'll meet you upstairs." The elevator, thankfully, was right there, I jumped on and escaped the Hell below where I sat down and burst into tears. Marie, one of my techs was just entering the building for work and saw me there crying. She came over and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder and asked with concern etched on her face if I was alright. I told her what had happened, and she too was shocked by what she heard. She apologized for my bad morning and promised to not have it repeat tomorrow on my last day of radiation. "Don't worry, we'll keep you safe. It will be fine tomorrow, I promise" While speaking with her, Ed arrived upstairs, and only heard the edge of what had happened, and that was all he needed to hear. Edward means Protector. My protector turned on his heel and headed straight back downstairs and got the Nurse Practitioner, who in turn got the Director of Radiation and brought them to me, where I told them, once again, what had happened. They both agreed that no one but patients should be in the dressing rooms. That needs to be made clear, and they assured me that this girl will be banned from the inner waiting area from now on. They don't need her spewing her hatred on women who need to focus on getting better.
I understand she is probably a young girl afraid for her mom, and is acting out to the easy targets of this world, but this doesn't excuse her for her behavior, nor does it give her a pass to be nasty. It is her Karma, she has etched her mean words onto her Karma and she will have to work hard to expunge those words from her Karma. She not only insulted me with her mean words, she insulted her mother. I'm certain this woman upon hearing what her daughter said (glad I got cancer) she will be mortified and have words with her daughter.
Children act one way with their parents when out in public; nice, polite, angelic. When parents aren't there, they behave the way they do in school; if a mean girl, they embrace it with all of their being. This girl is a MEAN GIRL. I know deep down in my soul that she is, and the mother is unaware. I know this because she immediately started in with changing the truth, painting the other person (me) in an unsavory light. Doing whatever she could to take the spot light off of her. It backfired on her only because the things she said about me didn't fit who I am known to be. She needs help. She is obviously angry, and deeply troubled. I'd hate to be her teachers, because I sure felt like a substitute teacher with her. She got lippy and defensive because she knew she was in the wrong. She didn't realize that I am a mom, and onto this tactic. It doesn't fly with me.
As for the racist comment...if I had been an African-American would she have accused me of being a racist? Or would she simply have pushed past as she did me (the white woman) and taken a sit and twitted to her friends about the bitch that made her get up from the only comfortable seat in the place?
Who is the racist? I'm white there-fore a "racist"? I don't see color, and I don't judge on color, I only see behavior and judge on behavior.
I now feel the need to sit in front of my gohonzon and chant diamoko for this girl and her mom. To chant for her happiness and for her mom to get 100% healthy. She seems so angry and resentful. So today, my diamoko will be for this girl with the braces and the hot pink phone that burns with hate-filled texts; I truly hope she finds peace within her soul and finds a way to clear her Karma. I truly do.
I'm fine, especially now that I've written it off of my soul here. Tomorrow is my last radiation treatment, I have to get chocolates for my gals in the radiation department to thank them for being so good to me. I will miss them, but not the machine.
I march on down the road to victory against Cancer, and this incident, like the dreary day I woke to, are mere hiccups in the road. I've already won. This Mean Girl Teen was Winter trying to hold on, like the dreariness of the day, but Spring is coming, and Winter must go away, and so it shall, soon enough.
Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment