I have been frustrated and depressed the past few days. I can't seem to focus and stay on point. I can't even focus on doing the thing I love the most ~ dance. It's as if my brain is somewhere else. I get frustrated easily right now; mostly with myself. I know I need to step back and breathe, but that is easier said than done. While I'm doing a task, I'm thinking about what I have to do next, or where I'd rather be.
I keep putting off taxes, yikes! not a good thing to do, and yet my mind simply can't focus on the task at hand. This focus issue is making me frustrated. I've tried the old "One step at a time, one task at a time", but still I wander off. I feel overwhelmed most of all. All the things that had to be put aside while I had treatment, and now that I'm feeling better I have the anxiety of being under the gun; not to mention that now that I'm feeling better, the EOB's are coming in and just how much the Insurance company WON'T cover. We are already under an avalanche of debt, and now the weight of the Insurance company backing out of the 80/20 commitment we paid for, I'm feeling angry and betrayed. This usually causes a hot flash which will debilitate me for 15 minutes. Then I freeze from the inside out. My inability to control my body temperature is another source of distraction and frustration. My oncologist continues to put me off of getting on meds that I know will help me. I just wish he'd be honest as to the "why". "Let's wait another 3 weeks, and then we'll see. If they don't abate, we'll discuss meds." The mantra. AAARRRGGGGHHH!!!!
I went for my 6 month post surgery checkup yesterday. I can't believe it's been 6 months. Six months ago, I looked forward and 6 months seemed so far away. The mountain so high and seemingly unclimbable, and yet, step by step I made it to the top of the mountain. Now the next mountain is the mountain of debt. What to do?
Dr. Axelrod, my surgeon, said I looked great, much better than most women at this stage. My scars are healing nicely, and the radiation didn't harden my breast too much. It was great to see her again; the woman who took down Mr. Lumpy. I see her again in November and by then I'll get the "cancer-free" diagnosis. I have to have my mammogram in August. I told her how my insurance company isn't covering $14,515.00 because (and I quote) "It isn't a covered expense".
The insurance covered the lypoma removal they refused to pay for for 10 years (in full); they paid to have the port placed (all but $175.00); They only pay $2,500 for the very thing I went in for; Breast Cancer. $16,550 surgeon's bill; $3,000.00 I put on the card as a down payment. I paid more than the Insurance Company? There is a great injustice going on here, and perhaps that is why I'm so frustrated, depressed, and angry. I spoke with Cece,who deals with all of Dr. Axelrod's billing. She says they have received "Not a Dime" from the Insurance Company. Let me give the Insurance Company a name ~ Sir Greedy. Sir Greedy tells Dr. Axelrod that they are still reviewing the claim and O.R. report. Sir Greedy tells me I don't count, and they won't pay what they should. I HAD A GOD DAMNED TRIPLE LUMPECTOMY, SIR GREEDY!!!! F*CKING PAY UP!!!! My husband and I have made all of our payments in good faith. I've rarely used the insurance over the years. Mostly to do well woman check ups. And now that I need the insurance to kick in and help me out, the very reason I've made a point of scraping together money to make those ridiculous premium payments just in case something horrid happened, now that moment has arrived, and Sir Greedy says, "F*ck you! Melissa Canaday, I think you should have gone to Wal-Mart to get your lumpectomy, where they slash prices daily." Screw you Sir Greedy. Go straight to Hell Sir Greedy, with Mr. Lumpy. Why the CEO won't get his big fat multi-million $ bonus if Sir Greedy doesn't do the right thing and pay out for a claim that is legit.
I can't wait to see what they do with my chemo and radiation treatments. Yes, folks, I've been having chemo and radiation since October 14, 2009 and I haven't received one EOB on what Sir Greedy is willing to pay. Go ahead Sir Greedy, bring it on. I've got nothing to lose, because I HAVE NO MONEY!!! I HAVE NO JOB!!!! MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN UNEMPLOYED SINCE NOVEMBER 1, 2009!!! UNEMPLOYMENT IS ALMOST USED UP!!! Go ahead Sir Greedy, sleep peacefully at night while I toss and turn from the nightmare I call my life! The worries of what will come next, how will the bills get paid (screw the medical bills, I mean the monthly nut), what about food, afraid I'll owe taxes, because believe or not, it was a good year on the job front until November. Go ahead, go on your cruise Sir Greedy, throw your elaborate parties, and drink your high priced champagne and eat your caviar. Live in your elegant mansion, and drive your $150,000.00 luxury cars or better yet be driven by your chauffeur. Let your wife and spoiled rotten kids go shopping every single f*cking day at Saks and Lord & Taylors. Go on ridiculously expensive vacations and be sure to stay in hotels like The Four Seasons and go ahead get the luxury suite. It's all on me, the pauper, and tens of thousands of other people just like me who paid and put their trust in you to take care of us if something bad, no horrid, happened. Live it up now, because baby what goes around comes around. I am a good person, who does the best they can, and helps others selflessly. I am honest. I am hard working. I am a loving parent. I am a loving wife of almost 20 years. I pay my bills on time (though those days are looking to be numbered). I am a good cook, and prepare HEALTHY meals. I exercise and take very good care of myself. I just happen to be a person who got dealt the cancer card. I fought for my life. My reward will be huge!!!! You, Sir Greedy, however, have been selfish, uncaring, ungiving, and using decent people for your personal gain and pleasure. Your reward, what reward? You will get exactly what you earned. You will be left wanting. Unloved. Alone. and most of all riddled with every claim you denied, every person you dropped, every child you refused when they turned an adult, and every person you refused for pre-existing conditions. I feel for you, really I do. How do you sleep at night knowing that that is your future? Me, I toss here, right now, but know, know deep in my heart that I will come out on top. I just have to hold on, and hold on tight.
So F*CK YOU!!! SIR GREEDY!!!!
I'm off to dance class, thanks to my generous daughter. And with any luck, my husband will get a job this week. So go make it a great day. It'll be almost 90 degrees here today. Not ready for the heat, but hey, I'm in Hell right now, so why not bring the heat; at least I'll have an excuse for the hot flashes....
Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa
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