INNER DEMONS

April 13, 2010 Tuesday

Inner Demons, Karma, past hurt feelings, they all have one thing in common; they want to bring you down. This is what happened to me this past week. I've noted that I've been feeling depressed, that my brain is somehow out of balance. Well...after speaking with many gal pals who have been down this road before me, I can say that I am not alone in the feelings that I have been feeling.

I've been through so much lately, and have fought so hard that now that the scary part is over; the chemo, the radiation...all that's left is maintainence, how do I quit fighting? I feel like I lost a full-time job. I should be thrilled that I have my freedom once again, but instead I'm blue. Okay, so what, I'm blue. What was scary and poor timing was the fact that now I have to get back to other stressful things. Taxes, finding a job, and transplant talk with my daughter. These things can't be avoided any longer. Taxes, if I don't file, could cause more financial issues I don't need. Job, without it how can I pay bills or food? Transplant, this is the monster in the room. Sarah and I have to really face this issue. She needs one, and the timing is not playing out the way we want it to. Sarah just wants to be told when and where to show up, and until then she'll ignore it. I understand how important it is that she face this issue, and by waiting to deal with it up to the point of T-day is setting her up for a big shock. So we come from two entirely different places. Undoubtably there will be tension. How to get rid of tension is what I seek.

After speaking with several friends about my depression, I have at least confirmed that what I feel is real. I can deal with it now. It's not real, it's my brain healing. That is the biggest key to my moving past the issues of the past week. It's okay to feel blue, frustrated, and like my brain doesn't function fast enough. It will come back. What's difficult is that I feel so good, and yet my brain hasn't caught up. Ed spoke with Sarah and things have calmed down. I am now just enjoying Sarah being home, and the "subject" is off-limits for now. Wednesday is another day. I'll deal with it then.

Taxes are done for the kids, all of that is in the capable hands of the CPA now. All that's left is to cut the checks. As for Mine and Ed's taxes, we have to frantically work at getting done. Ed has promised to help. This is huge, as in the past I did all the leg work and he put his signiature on the form after looking it over for mistakes. (which he always found)

So I have breathing room. As I said to him the other day. "I am done with the shitty stuff, I am feeling better, I look good, my hair is coming back, I'm back at dance class, I'm eating again. That said, I'm not the same person I was. That person kinda died back then. I'm different. I think differently, I handle things differently now. I can't go back to who I was before treatment. So you have to understand that and make adjustments to that end."

I'm off now to chant and meet with Valerie at the SGI to seek guidance as to what to do next, how to deal with this change in me.

Nite!

Light and Love!

Melissa