The following is a letter written in pain, after hurtful words were spoken. It is personal, and painful, but mostly it is the truth from my heart and speaks to the aftermath of war. This is what Breast Cancer does to families emotionally. So if you think I've written raw before, put on your seat belts or better yet, just don't read it. Just know that I fight for my place in humanity in this letter. I have learned that I matter, and sometimes it is just about me. And sometimes it's important to walk on eggshells around me for a change.
Dear Sarah,
I am so sorry that I got Breast Cancer. I didn't do it by choice. I am so sorry that my world revolves around me right now and not you. I am so sorry that you would rather be with your boyfriend's mom and dad in Texas because they have money, good health, and nothing ever goes wrong in their seemingly perfect world. I am so sorry that I made you broken. I am so sorry that I am the one responsible for you needing a kidney transplant. I didn't mean to make you broken. I would give anything to change every rotten thing that has ever happened to me , you and our family. But the reality of the situation is "I can't".
I don't think you realize just how much I need you to be supportive right now. I'm sorry. I'm not Super Mom anymore. I don't hold all the answers, and I for sure can't fix much of anything anymore. You really have no idea how much you hurt me when you tell me daily or post on your FB or your twitter how much you hate being home. You cut me deep. I feel like I don't matter to you. I am a burden to you. I wish I had been diagnosed and died within 6 weeks now, just so you could miss me. At least I'd have been a victim, something to pity. Are you angry with me because I can't give you my kidney? Because believe me I hate myself enough for everyone involved that I can't do that. So don't waste your time on that. I never thought that you would be the one to turn your back on me. For so many years it was you and me against the medical world. I had your back and still do, so why don't you have mine? Ian does. Ian sat through all the ugly shit. He watched me languish on the couch, he saw me in the recovery room looking like death. He held my hand, he helped me walk. He hugged me at my ugliest, and always said I was beautiful. I leaned on your 15 year old brother for support and he was there. He still is. He has seen the evil of my breast cancer. You on the other hand saw snap shots at Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I put my best foot forward for you, because I wanted to spend the best time with you. After you would leave I would collapse and be wiped out for days longer than usual. Ian saw it all, you saw NOTHING! You rarely called me to check in on me. When you did call it was how I HAD to help you. I would be sick, tired, and barely able to focus enough on myself to take care of me, and yet there you would be full of need and demands. I would pull up from my depths to help you. With the strength reserved for the last gasp of a dying man, I would use that strength to give to you to help you to do for you. You would get what you needed or rather wanted and move on. You, however, never saw the aftermath of what you took from me. I don't regret it, not at all, so it is not meant to begrudge you, rather to educate you.
So when you say to me, "I don't want to come home. I wish I were in LA. I AM going to Texas to go fishing with Tony, and to meet Matt's nephew Deacon.", every statement like that is worse than any chemo treatment I suffered. To know that you would rather be with people you don't really know, than to be with you family...I am at a loss for words to describe the pain it causes. You have no idea what that does to me. You said to me today that you'd rather be in Texas because coming here is nothing but Cancer, job loss, and transplant. Well, congratulations. You have cut the cord. Those were words that can't be taken back. It's alarming to know that you won't be there when the going gets tough. I have news for you, Sarah, you are NOT the better person you seem to think you are. If you were, you would have never said that. You said that to hurt me, and I will not believe for two seconds that you didn't realize what you were doing.
You have changed. You are not the woman I raised. I can only hope that somewhere deep inside of you you will someday find the seed I planted. That compassion will bloom. That you will be able to put yourself aside to find your humanity. Right now, you are full of arrogance and ego. You have forgotten where you come from. You are choosing to do things that are harmful to your well being. And if you are destructive to your well being you will lose everything you hold on to right now. Careers come and go, and you are measured by your professionalism and the company you keep, and how you treat your family, and yes, how grateful you are to the people who made you. Yes, I mean me and your dad. But, selfishly, me. I gave up everything I knew to have you and take care of you. I gave you all the love I had to give, I nursed you, protected you, and fought for you. I supported you as you, yes you, decided that you wanted to be in this Industry. I encouraged and ran you all over town, even when I was so sick I could barely move. I helped you with homework, ran your errands, did your payroll and taxes, got you everything your heart desired, within reason, and now that you are out on your own, you pay me back with malice.
You drop $200 on your boyfriend without batting an eye, and yet, for your brother, you can't seem to care enough to send him a gift for his birthday. You don't even send a card to your father for his birthday. You don't ask how I am doing. You don't ask how you can help us. I went to the trouble to make your room as comfortable as possible, and within 24 hours you have trashed the room so badly that all of my work was in vain. No thank yous. No F*ck yous. Nothing. Nothing but staying up until 4 am and sleeping til 6pm and then crabby remarks, and pissy attitude. You say you are the best person you have ever been? You don't own a mirror. As your mother, the ultimate mirror, I held the mirror up to you this morning and you didn't like what you saw. I only ever tell you the truth. I have never lied to you. So If I say you have changed and I am disappointed by that change, you better take some time to reflect on what I say. Mothers around the world are their children's mirrors. Remember that. Ask Debbie if I am wrong, she'll tell you I am right. Or maybe she won't; she so wishes to be your best friend. Why don't you have her be your mom when the going gets tough? I bet you'll be surprised at how little will get done to save your ass.
You don't' want to own the most important part of you. Your medical issues. Believe or not, but those issues have shaped who you are. But if you don't own your issues, they will take you down and destroy you. Fight Sarah, yes fight, but fight the right fight. Fight for the right reasons. Know really know who truly has your back. I have never turned my back on you. Never will, because I love you. Really love you. You are young, you are thinking you hold all the answers. You won't be able to move forward you will not get around what is coming towards you. You are not armored properly. Please know that I write this out of love.
If I hurt your feelings you have returned the favor in spades. I am sorry to have hurt your feelings, I truly am. I never wish to argue with you, or to hurt you. I only wish to make you happy and HEALTHY. It's been my life's mission for 19 1/2 years to fight for your health and to stop anyone from hurting you. It's a very difficult thing to give up. To let go of you? much harder than I ever thought. I'm sorry that right now you can't love me the way I wish you could. I look at the way you treat other moms, and I am jealous. What do they have that I don't have?
Ah! the ramblings of a hurt depressed chemo brained mother. One of the hardest things I 've ever had to do was to own my breast cancer, but I did it. I put on my armor and fought like Hell and I'm winning. But one mean placed word from you, my daughter, whom I love beyond reason, and I regret winning. Because why go on if my daughter doesn't want anything to do with me because I got breast cancer. I am a daily reminder of how I am not perfect anymore. I fought not just for myself, I fought for you, for Ian, for your Dad. I fought to get better so that I could be there for you when you have your transplant, so I could protect you from those who would wish to harm you. I am now left to feel like a stalker on your life. Debbie knows more than I do, because you share with her, not me. I have to find out information from your Manager not you. I have been relegated to personal assistant, and treated like a minimum wage worker who doesn't build your taco right at Chipotle.
So, live your Young Hollywood Life. Be shallow and thoughtless. Be selfish and mean to ordinary people. I'll be here when the world abandons you, I'll be here to pick up the pieces and cry real tears for your pain. I'll hold you in my arms and tell you all will be right again, soon, PROMISE. I will always love you, no matter what you do, who you become, where you go, and the multitude of bad choices you are bound to make because of your youth. I will always be here, but I have one simple request, please try not to be mean to me. I have given too much and been through too much to deserve such treatment. I have learned one thing from having breast Cancer; I am worthy. I matter. I am my own person. I deserve to be honored.
So do it, Sarah, if you are this best person you have ever been in your whole entire life, do it. Honor me, praise me, thank me, and be proud to call me your mother. I never "Stage-mom'd" you, I knew my place, and kept it. I supported you, I gave all I have to give to you. I've earned the love I feel you should give me. Sorry for that, too. But not really. I worked hard for you your whole life, you owe me that much. time with me and your family. Real time.
So I apologize once again for getting Breast Cancer. I apologize for not being the parent Debbie is. I apologize for not being able to deny your medical issues. I apologize for seemingly always forcing the truth down your throat. I apologize for holding the mirror up to you this morning. But don't ask me to take any of it back. Just as your Twitter Status states " Judge me. I'm Sarah. Deal with it." I say, " Judge me. I'm your MOM. Deal with it."
You'll thank me down the road, it just would be nice to see a billboard saying you understand and an idea of how many miles down this bumpy road it is. I've been on a very rocky road, I was hoping that you coming home would be a patch of smooth road. I forgot that after Winter comes the Spring and with Spring come ugly car eating potholes that can swallow a person alive. Ouch. I apologize to myself for not seeing this coming. But the lesson to take from it is, "you can't deny the truth, you can't hide from it, or avoid it, it will find you, and sometimes The Truth hurts."
I love you Sarah!
xoxoxoxo
Mom
Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment