August 31, 2009 Monday

What a mixed bag today turned out to be. I wasn't feeling too well today, but I forced myself to go up to Luigi Jazz to watch class. I miss it so much. As always, so welcomed by everyone. I love my class. Hugs and well wishes, and Luigi put me in charge of the CD player. I wasn't allowed to dance yet, so I sat and watched and moved my feet from my seat. (Never Stop Moving) then Lisa and Jeanne took me to lunch. Thank you ladies for your company and the meal. I knew I missed class, but it became clear just how much. A LOT!

We parted our way after lunch, and I turned my phone off of silent, and there it was again...a message...CRAP! Dr. Scheer. Call me I have the results of your MRI from Friday. CRAP, CRAP, CRAP. So I ducked into the Lincoln Center Lowes Cinema and called her back. "I'm so sorry Melissa, but I'm afraid we have more work to do on the right breast. There was a spot unrelated to the lump on the other side of your right breast. We'll have to do an ultrasound and try to see it. If I can I'll do another Core biopsy, if I can't detect it, you'll have to come back in for a MRI guided biopsy on another day." CRAP!!! I hung up and headed to my next battle field...St. Vincent's Breast Center to retrieve my old medical charts from 1999-2001.

I enter the center and the panic sets in. I HATE this place, so cold, so institutional, so crowded. I patiently wait 15 minutes watching the second hand tick by on the big clock over the desk. Finally, I explain that I called on Friday to get the medical charts, that I was shuffled from person to person 4 times and ended up with a voice mail and that I never heard back from 'Ester' I knew that the charts were most likely in storage, but I needed to get them to Dr. Axelrod ASAP which is why I came in physically. After much waiting, much frustration, and many excuses, I left empty handed. On August 4th they told me my films had been destroyed two months ago. Sorry. Today, my films had been picked up by me in January of 2002 to take to Cornell Medical Center. Interesting, since I have never been to Cornell Medical Center for me only Sarah and much later in time than 2002. I remember having had my MRI in 2002 at a private practice on the Eastside, but I sure don't remember signing my films out and taking them with me. I have films in my storage ~ my shoulder when Ian dislocated my shoulder when I saved him from face planting on the pavement when he was three; my MRI of my foot when I had "My Left Foot Issues" surgery took care of that; Sarah's multiplex of MRI's and sonograms from when she was little...no breast films, checked a month ago, so why would I not have those films? Did someone else take my films? Did they spell my name Kennedy? Or were they making up another BS story to cover their butts? HMMMM....What will be the next story? The Man In the Moon took them? I feel very sorry for any woman who gets their tits checked at St. Vincent's Breast Center. Cold, Unfeeling, Warehoused CRAP!~!!!

CRAP!!! is the word of the day folks. That's how I feel, that's how the news feels, and that's how it is today. I have a headache, I call Ed and meet him and Ian to vent. We walk to Home Depot and pick up the tiles for the shelves Ed is making for me on the balcony. I love my husband, I love my son. They make me feel better, but I'm so tired, It's exhausting to fight for yourself. It was so much easier to fight for Sarah's health.

I cancelled Rose coming over, I was too tired, and my headache was worse than ever. So I went to bed curled up with my kitty Niki and took a nap. I still have a headache, speak with my mom and call my brother Bryan to wish him and his daughter Zoee a Happy Birthday. I forgot to call Zoee on Friday, gee I wonder why...it may have been my brother's birthday, but I got the gift. Bryan has offered to pay to fly our mother out to stay with me. This makes me cry. I'm so grateful, and I have always known Bryan is the best of all of us. So, we order Chinese take out, and now I'm watching Julie Harris in The Haughting on TCM with Ian totally creeped out. How will I sleep tonight? Julie Harris is such a wonderful actress. They just don't make movies like they used to.

Tomorrow is a hard day, so think good thoughts, say a prayer, and don't forget to breathe.

Thinking of everyone who needs healing, is in pain, or feels sorrow. Be brave, be bold, and don't forget to fight for what is right.

Nite! xoxo Melissa