Cathy, Me, Joaquin, Viviana

Cathy, Me, Joaquin, Viviana
We Did It!

The World of Color

The World of Color
Such a perfect day with Ian

Athol Training Walk

Athol Training Walk
Hot Day, Long walk

Birthday Fundraiser

Birthday Fundraiser
Me and the Avon Team

AVON WALK EXPO

AVON WALK EXPO
ME and my new HER2 + Gal Pals

Avon Walk Expo

Avon Walk Expo
Team "NEVER STOP MOVING"

Last Surgery

Last Surgery
Port Removal

On to the healing

On to the healing

Ringing the bell

Ringing the bell

Chemo #6 the last chemo treatment

Chemo #6 the last chemo treatment

Chemo #5

Chemo #5
5 down, 1 to GO!

New Years 2010

New Years 2010
Me and Cheryl Breast Cancer Vixens!

Chemo #4

Chemo #4
4 down, 2 to go

Chemo #3

Chemo #3
3 down 3 to go

Friday, October 30, 2009

CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

October 30,2009 Friday

So yesterday, I wished my hair would just fall out. This morning I ran my fingers through my hair to loosen my crushed curls from the night before and instead of fluffing crushed curls, I pulled out a clump of curls. There they were wrapped around my fingers. I look at the pile of hairs by my side with enough there to make a Barbie wig, and said to myself, "Careful what you wish for." At least I know I will lose my hair, it has been given to me in actual proof. So I think I'll make an appointment to shave my head. The question is, Do I wait until Ed comes home or do it before he comes home? If I wait until next week I'll feel like crap when I do it. If I do it today, Ed will come home to a bald head, and not be able to say goodbye to my curls. He won't get to touch my hair one last time. This is hard. It would have been easier if I'd lost the hair before I went up to see him in Albany. Now that I face it, I'm torn. To shear or not to shear, that is the question.

But the good news is I will be able to start my wig of the week contest soon. It gives me a purpose to lose the hair. Novelty wigs, regular wigs, scarves, and hats. FB friends will vote on pictures posted which wig I will wear for a whole entire week. I'll take pictures of me out and about town donning my wigs. If I have to lose my hair, I want to have fun with it. I don't know if I'll dance with the wig, it could get crazy if I turn and the wig flies across the room. After all I won't have anything to anchor the wig to, only double-sided tape to hold them in place. Although it could prove comedic to see some bright blue wig fly across the dance floor.....

I'm not sad about losing my hair, so don't get all sorry for me. It is part of the journey, and for me, it puts me one step closer to be done with it all. This chapter of my journey is the longest one, and when on a long journey, one must take the time to explore it all. I reflect a lot. And I'm going to share something with you. I am so happy. Happier than I have been in a long time. I know that sounds odd. I have breast cancer, and I'm happy? But I am. For years I have had periods of great sadness. I called them the quarterly blues. I would get profoundly sad, for no real reason, just sad, so unhappy. I'd tell Ed, Sarah, Ian, "I'm so utterly unhappy, and I don't know why. I just feel the well is dry, I have nothing left to give. I never ask for anything, and because I don't, because I give and give, and do and do for everyone but me, I dry up. I need to feed my soul, and though I know you all love me, I just don't feel it." Then I would cry, and cry hard for a long time. I'd sleep and wake in the morning feeling better and the kids and Ed would walk on eggshells for a couple of days, and then I'd feel better and happiness would return, and I'd go back to giving and giving, doing and doing for everyone but me. The one thing I'd give myself was my dance class. That class did more for me than even Luigi can understand. It gave me ME. I could be that girl I knew all those years ago. When I took class, I was 20 again. It didn't matter that I was overweight, that I wasn't the best dancer anymore. I could dance without judgement, and be praised by Luigi.

Now, I'm happy more than I'm sad. I feel a purpose. I share my experience in an effort to heal myself, and if I touch someone in the process, so be it. The single most important thing is to bring awareness to Breast Cancer. Yes, it is scary. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is painful. Yes, it is frustrating. Yes, it changes things, forever. Yes, yes, yes, but what I want people to understand is it makes you look to yourself, makes you take the time you never took for yourself, and it puts things in perspective. So be good to yourself, seriously. Take time to take care of yourself. Don't wait until you have to face the mountain that is hard to climb to take in the view, and enjoy it. Have fun in life. Don't take things too seriously. Laughter is healing. Dancing is living. Loving is easy.

Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa

Thursday, October 29, 2009

DREADING

October 29, 2009 Thursday

I feel so utterly fantastic. I'm sore from taking class on Tuesday, but a good sore. It shows how long it's been since I last danced, and how much I haven't moved since surgery. Mostly my legs are sore. I dread next week. Tuesday is Chemo #2 and now I know what to expect. The 'high' the otherworldly feeling, the disconnect, the dry dry dry mouth, the lack of appetite because everything I put on my tongue will taste like sh*t, and then the gut trouble. I think I dread the gut trouble most of all. I'm not a good patient. I admit it. Will this be the week I really start to lose my hair? They all keep saying my hair will fall out....well....I'm still waiting....if I'm going to lose it, I'd like to get it gone, so I can move on. I'm so impatient for some things and drag my heels on other things, I'm psycho! So I go about my business living my life and appreciating the days that are great. Like today. I like food again. I had Chinese Food last night, yummy! What to eat today? hmmmm....

I have to get to office work that I've put off, but can no longer ignore. See what I mean about dragging my heels? But paperwork and receipts must be recorded or my CPA will have my head! Do my P/T homework, go to the grocery store, clean my house...Wait. Sounds like normal. Wow. Normal for the next 5 days. Yeah!!!!

Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

DANCE FROM YOUR HEART

October 27, 2009 Tuesday

Dance from your heart, let the music carry you, share your joy through your movement. I did just that today. Ah! how I missed that part of my life. I felt so great this morning, and I decided Sunday that if I felt good on Tuesday morning, I was going to go to Luigi. So I woke this morning and felt good. So I showered, dressed, ate my Cheerios with banana and headed out to Luigi. There has never been a time that I've gone to class that I haven't left feeling better, happier, and stronger. It's like group therapy. I was a little bit nervous about going back to class; would I be able to make it through the warm-up exercises, and then would I be able to do the choreography and last the whole class? I wanted to dance so bad!

I arrived at Luigi's where he met me with open arms a warm smile and generous welcome "home". I met my classmates with hugs and kisses, and "You look Great!" Class begins, and stretching feels so good, like putting on a favorite old shirt and jeans. As I stretch my body remembers and says, "Ah, yes!" I get through the warm-ups, no problem, and the dancing begins. My heart sings as I pour myself into the dance. I struggle at first, but it all comes back to me, easily. There is a doctor in class, a pathologist, who knows my doctor, Dr. Axelrod, and she marvels at how well I dance, what amazing energy and strength I have, and asks me how I do it. My response is simple. Luigi. Luigi gives me energy and strength. Luigi makes my heart soar. He unlocks the secret desire to share a piece of yourself with the world, even if no one notices. It's like soaring high above the Earth. I love dance that much. Freedom. I find myself jumping with glee, pure joy! after each round. I haven't had FUN in such a long time. Today was FUN!

I think every cancer patient should be required to take Luigi. Do what you can, but move! Free your soul, let your heart sing, share your joy.

Now, off to chant with a wonderful group of women. My life is so blessed. Love of a wonderful family, the support of the best friends anyone could possibly hope to have, a top-notch team of doctors and nurses, my circle of spiritual support, and my home away from home, Luigi, and all the dancers, my sisters and brothers, freeing our souls for an hour and an half. Laughing, dancing, sharing with the most inspirational man I know. Luigi. I love you Luigi. Thank you for sharing your gifts, your soul, your heart. With you by my side, anything is possible.

Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa

Friday, October 23, 2009

MY BFF CATHY

October 23, 2009 Friday

What is a BFF? Many people have many definitions of that title. A gal-pal to go shoe shopping with. A gal-pal to go clubbing with. A co-worker who always has your back. A sister. A partner-in-crime. A Thelma to Louise. An Angel.

My BFF is my Angel, my soul-sister, my heart. Cathy. Never on God's Green Planet has there been a more selfless person. She thinks of everyone before herself. She will always have your back if you are lucky enough to know to her. She cares deeply, with compassion and love. I am the luckiest gal on Earth to have her as a friend. Okay, so I've waxed poetic about my BFF Cathy, and those who know her, know exactly what I speak of. Those who don't, know that if you have a "Cathy" in your life, you have been smiled upon by God. Yeah. She is that good.

So, through all of this chaos I have found myself in, Cathy has always been there with quiet compassion, a sweet hug, and unafraid to cry. We don't get to see each other enough, that is certain, but on the other hand, I have always known that she was there. I'm not the only beneficiary of her love and compassion. She also has a friend that is going through a life-long struggle with Chron's. She was there for her, too. Sitting by her side in the hospital after a simple procedure turned complicated when a surgeon cut a bile duct. oops. That simple procedure turned into a complicated long hospital stay, and has jeopardized this woman's job. Cathy was there. Steady, strong, the mom of the gal-pals. She doesn't know it, but she is the best of all of us. She works, she's a mom of two great kids, a wife to a fellow Leo (hey Johnny!), and takes care of everyone around her, even those who don't really deserve it, but Cathy finds the strength to give and give and give. She is a lesson to all of us in Human Compassion.

Cathy had been sick with a cold so we hadn't been able to see each other, because Cat didn't want to expose me to the cold. (See what I mean?) So we spoke on the phone, and for the past few days, as you know, I haven't been doing so well. I filled Cat in on what was going on, and how I just wished I could go to an acupuncturist to cut the nausea and the pain of the gripping of my bowels. That's all I said. I told her that I'd have to cancel my trip to see Ed in The Seafarer up in Albany, if I wasn't feeling better, and that had me feeling defeated. That the Cancer was beating me up (the treatment rather), and I was in agony from the pain. She listened carefully, we cried as I told her of the new respect I have for my daughter, and we laughed as I, in my usual fashion, tried to make light when the conversation started to turn to the dark side. All the while, Cathy was trying to think of something to make things better for me.

The next day, Cathy did think of something. I received an email from her giving me a phone number. A number that turned things around. She got to thinking over night, and reached out to one of the clients at the chiropractor's office she works at. This woman is an acupuncturist. Jackie Payne. Cathy, being the BFF ever, has given me the best gift I've ever gotten in my whole entire life, including the WiiFit that Ian gave me, she is paying for my acupuncture treatments. So after each chemo session, I will see Jackie Payne, acupuncturist, to help me with the nausea and irritable bowel issues. See what I mean? Best gift, ever! Best Friend, Ever! I burst into tears when I read the email. I called her right away and thanked her. Her response? "I could have bought you an expensive scarf, but lots of people will do that. I wanted to give you something that would really help you. It just clicked on the phone last night, and Jackie wants to help." BFF!!!!!

So I made my appointment and was seen yesterday. I love Jackie Payne. We hit it off right away, she gets me. The session went really well, and it was so nice to lay there on the table full of needles in my legs and arms and NOT feel the sour stomach, the gripping bowel, and exhaustion of chemo. I left without pain, and was actually hungry for the first time in days. I got a turkey sandwich, white bread and mayo only. It wasn't the best sandwich I've ever had, but it was good. What's more, the true test...no The Grip after eating. Did acupuncture make me 100% better? No. But it helped to calm things down, and my body is returning to normal. Do I still have bowel issues? Yes, but they are manageable now. I can go to Albany without concern. I'll be able to sit through a 2 1/2 hour show without concern. Did I sleep well last night? Absolutely! I woke on my own this morning without assistance from the alarm clock, I feel clearer of mind, my stomach still has that sour feeling, but not as bad. My bowels still are out of line, but not as bad. I have energy, something I lacked all week long. I have my pep back, and with it my hope and tenacity.

What is a BFF? A BFF is someone who digs deep and gives from the heart, and doesn't settle on the usual get well gift. A BFF is AN ANGEL. Cathy you have been, are, and will always be my BFF. I only hope that I can live up to your example of friendship.

Feeling Better because of my dear dear dear BFF Cathy! I Love You!!
Nite!
Love and Light!
Melissa

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

THE GRIP

October 21, 2009 Wednesday

I've been under The Grip. The Grip of Chemo. I'm doing better today, but since Sunday, I've not been feeling up to writing. It started Sunday morning, early, with an hour long visit to the loo. I won't go into detail, suffice to say, It was U-G-L-Y!

I went through the day trying this and that to stop the pain, the motion, The Grip. I was so tired about being pent up that I convinced myself I could go to the store to get dinner. Pot Pie was on my mind, and the idea of Gatorade, Apple Juice, the usual stomach ailment foods....I did pretty well on the way to the store, and within moments of walking in, THE GRIP. Stuck in the frozen foods section. Bent over the shopping cart unable to move left right or center. My mom saying something like, "Go home, Ian and I will take care of this." Sure! No problem, as soon as I can move again, if I move again. Ian pulling on me, horrified, no doubt. Deep deep breathing and still THE GRIP had me in its mighty jaws. I felt like everyone was staring at me, though I'm certain not a soul noticed. It's common to see someone hung over their cart white with pain. I feared moving because I was terrified that if I moved so would "something else". Determined to get through the shopping event, I tried to act as if nothing was wrong. Desperately searching for the GD Pot Pies. Right there in front of my face, and yet, I simply could not see them. Blind with pain, I continued up the juice aisle for my "list" of stomach bug food and drink. Next the soda aisle, then the rice aisle, and then the pain began to lift, the vice off my bowels, and weak and dazed, I finished in the dairy aisle wiping any and all yogurts off the shelves. Not sure if that would help, but again, desperate. We made it home, and I straight to bed. I don't even remember eating that night.

I woke the next morning, Monday. I felt weak, but much better. I was going to go to P/T without my mom, but I was afraid of a repeat on my own, so mom and I headed to P/T for my shoulder and scars and had a really good session with Lauren. We had time to stop for a salt bagel with butter, and something that a friend recommended to me so I tried it. Fermented Green Tea, Kombucha ~ multi-green. Okay. This stuff is NASTY! It's like drinking Brewer's Yeast straight up. But I have to admit that the stuff made me feel better. So I said, "It's medicine." and did my best to drink it slowly. After P/T I went home, took a nap, Ed came home, and I had three coaching clients. The first gave me energy, and the second was on an adrenaline high, the third,...halfway through the energy began to ebb and ebb quickly. But the kids did great, and worked hard, and thank goodness, I didn't need all the energy, they did. So I was done for the night. I don't remember eating that night either, too tired to care.

The night was one of those heavy sleeps. Full of bizarre dreams I can't remember, and then 5:45AM. NOT AGAIN!!!! THE GRIP!!! back madder and meaner than ever before. Breath was hard to take in or let out. Too weak to scream, so in silence I suffered while three slept soundly, snoring away. Only the cats with their intuitions up concerned about my well-being. They would curl around my ankles as I sat there tortured. The gas pain so huge, I thought I'd rip open at one point and thought I'd be grateful if I did, at least it'd be over. Soon alarms started going off, and the cats had done their job by getting me to relax a bit. They wanted a reward, breakfast, but they would have to wait for someone else as I limped my way back to the bed. I slammed an Immodium multi symptom and Ed woke not even feeling me leave, only return. Soon the house was buzzing with normalcy, while I moaned in post Grip agony. Ian left for school, Ed offered tea ~ flatly refused. Mom came in with an offer of something...refused. Ed offered an English muffin. Accepted, but quickly refused as round two of THE GRIP grabbed me up in its jaws. I crawled back to bed and thought, "I can't go to the Doctor's today, I don't have the strength." But 10AM rolled around and I somehow pulled myself together to get dressed, and headed up with mom to Dr. Speyer's office.

The meeting was brief, but good. My white cell count is 10,000. Very good numbers. Which means I'll be able to make it through this chemo without "incident". Of course that doesn't mean THE GRIP. Just the count. So I asked, "Why was I okay for the most part until Sunday?" Easy answer. The Steroids. Once the steriods wore off, then the real fun started. So it was Roid Rage early in the week. It made me feel great, the reason I could go chant that same night. Why do men do this to themselves? The low is SO LOW! But now I know what to expect. So I went home and stayed in bed the rest of the day.

Today, the baby grip got me, so I'm hopeful it's on its way out of here for now, until next time. I saw a genetic councilor today, and it's pretty much determined that I don't have much risk of this being genetic, and my insurance company won't pay for testing to be sure because I fall into the cracks. I might be able to get tested if I'd agree to lop off both breasts if the test comes back positive, but really, that's making a deal with the Devil. So I'll roll the dice and trust that there is NO history of breast cancer in my family. I am ground zero.

So I'm feeling better today, but still wiped out from my toe to toe with THE GRIP. My mouth is as dry as a bone...my head aches from lack of hydration...my stomach green with queasiness still...but I'm here!!!! I'm Still Here!!!! Look Who's Here!!!!!! God I love Julie Wilson.

Nite!
Love and Light!
Melissa

Saturday, October 17, 2009

THE LIFTING FOG

October 17, 2009 Saturday

Today the fog began to lift from my brain, and I made it through the day without the need of any anti-nausea drugs. I hate drugs. I hate feeling out of control. I ate a little a lot of the day. Cheese, frozen grapes (loved them), I sent Ian for Soup at Au Bon Pain, Broccoli Cheddar, and that seemed like a good idea, but the seasoning was too much. Heartburn. Ugh! this will totally suck if I can't have FLAVOR!!! I love seasoning, and yet, EVERYTHING! gives me heartburn. Pepcid, right. As if that helps.

then to make matters worse, Nebraska decides to NOT show up for the game. I don't know who was playing today, but it was not my Huskers. They acted as if they were the ones on Chemo this past week. I really needed them to play well today. I never get to see them, and when they do....ARGH!

But the good news is I feel better today, and hopefully tomorrow will be even better. I'm bored, bored to tears, yet I don't have the energy to get going. I have fits and starts of energy, like I'm going to bust out of here, and then as soon as it begins, it's gone. So I sleep a lot still, but restlessly so. Rose came to visit, and it was great to have company.

So tomorrow, step by step, inch by inch, I pull myself out of chemo hell. Tomorrow, a walk. Even if it's just to go downstairs and get the mail.

Nite!
Love and Light!
Melissa


Friday, October 16, 2009

SIDE EFFECTS OF CHEMO

October 16, 2009 Friday

TGIF? I don't know about that today. I have been under the weather both literally and figuratively for the past few days. The front moved in with that Nor'easter and couple that with the chemo drugs, the drugs to counteract the side effects of chemo drugs, and top it with my monthly female thing = BLAH! HEADACHES! HEARTBURN! SLEEP! CHEMO BURN! on my face and chest. Today when I looked in the mirror the "sunburn" is now turning into a nice tan. How odd. My head stills aches, but it seems to be improving. The heartburn is slowly increasing, so I've moved on to Pepcid. You know it's bad when plain ol' water makes your esophagus burn. So I've retreated to the couch, where I can rest, watch (or not watch) my soaps, hang out on FB and tend to my crops on Farmville. I am THE couch potato. I've talked to the nurse, who agreed I got the bad luck of trifecta for side effects. My mom is a saint, rubbing my neck even though I know her arthritic fingers ache with pain. She's run errands for me, kept me hydrated, and has been that quiet presence that is so very welcome. Ed called and will be coming down to the city to audition for a B'way Show (don't ask, don't want to jinx) on Tuesday, so he'll be here on Monday. I miss him, and it will be so welcome to fold up in his arms and feel his strength. Meanwhile, Ian heads to Brooklyn for a Birthday Party and I'm so glad he is. Normal, that is what I want for my family. Sarah is happy in LA working, My niece sent me a terrific hat for when I lose my hair. Love Her! So I am starting to feel better, so I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day.
Hug your loved ones, life is too short to fight. Be kind to yourself. Ladies....you know what I'm about to say....Get yourselves checked out. It takes so little time, and only a moment of pain, to save your life. Do it, schedule it, then after the mammo, don't forget to self-examine yourself on a regular basis, It truly made the difference between Stage I and Stage II or III for me.
Nite!
Love and Light!
Melissa

Thursday, October 15, 2009

1ST CHEMO TREATMENT

October 15, 2009 Thursday

Sorry it's taken me so long to blog about my first chemo treatment. My first treatment began October 13, 2009. Mom and I headed up to the cancer center for my 9am appointment with the oncologist. I was given the all clear to begin so we headed down to the chemo treatment floor. It's a little like being welcome to a spa. "Would you like to take advantage of a massage treatment?" WHAT!? That's like asking if I'd like to continue to breath! Of course, I'm never one to turn down a massage. So we make some tea, and wait for my nurse. They give me a brief tour of the floor; the pantry, the bathrooms, the bell at the desk, the cubicles for treatment complete with personal television, lounge chair, phone, and seat for a guest. A peaceful beautiful space, not at all the feeling of a "treatment" room. The bell at the desk immediately drew my attention. That bell I long to ring. When you have your last treatment, when you are done, you get to ring that bell three times as a symbol of completion. The number three is protective to me. Nam Moyoho Renge Koi three times is also protective. I long for that bell in my hand and I hadn't even started chemo yet.

We sit in the room, and Katy comes in, my chemo nurse. She is just about the most beautiful woman. So kind and her beauty flows easily from the inside out. I'm immediately at ease and know that all will go well. We go over a huge list of things from allergies to side effects, a thorougher explanation of how it's going down today. The trust is locked easily in place, and so we begin. We start with the steroid once the IV is placed in the port, and I'm so very glad that I have a port. I HATE needles, so this is the lesser of two evils. One bag at a time, to check for side effects, bad ones. Then the benadryl, thought I could handle that one, well I was wrong, that kicked my butt! I thought about going to the bathroom about that time, stood up and realized that a bag full of benadryl IV'ed was akin to drinking a whole bottle of Saki in one sitting. I took a snooze, and I hadn't even started the real drugs. Finally, the Herceptin was started, and I made it through with no side effects. This makes me happy for this is the one drug to make the best difference in my recovery. Next the Taxel drips. One drop at a time, looking for the immediate bad side effects. Once I pass the three drip test the infusion begins in earnest. I read, I watch tv, I dose, I get HUNGRY! So we order bento boxes and have a nice lunch. The massage therapist comes in, a gentle soul named Gary, who just might usurp Ed of his foot rubbing position. One of the best foot massages of my life. then the final bag of Carboplatin. Again the drip test, again no bad results, so after 4 hours of chemo, I was sprung. While I was there, the bell was rung. It made me so happy for the woman who rang the bell that I sung out Nam moyoho Renge Koi three times in response and a voice called back, "Thank you!" A victory was won, one woman at a time. I will be that woman in 5 more sessions. I felt pretty good as we left after the long list of what to take if...what to take no matter what....what not to eat, what not to drink, what to eat, drink, etc. etc. etc...So we left loaded down with a lot of reading material and me stoned out of my mind. Finding a cab stoned is interesting. My sense of direction was GONE! Easily I stood on the wrong street for quite sometime, my mother trusting I knew what I was doing. I was getting frustrated and then I realized my mistake. We made it home, and I dumped my heavy reading materials, and my phone rang and it was Rose. "How're you feeling? Feel like SGI tonight?" Oh Yes! So I headed up to Union Square and met Rose and had a great time at SGI, It never fails to give me energy. I felt great and people couldn't believe I had chemo that day. No nausea, no vomiting, no bad side effects. I went home had a lite dinner and went to bed.

Day two October 14, 2009
I woke feeling fuzzy, a headache that has not left since I woke up. I had my oatmeal and my Emend and Dox meds and about an hour later I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and looked in the mirror, RED! My face was in full flush, and within 15 minutes it had spread to my chest. One would have thought I'd spent the whole day at Cooney Island without sunscreen. I put a call into Katy, and when she got back to me the flush had ebbed and it was confirmed it was a definite side effect. not to worry. The day was spent in a three pot bowl state of mind. The meds make me feel that way. I went to the center to get my Neulasta injection. OUCH!!!! it really burns. Then to the Credit Union to deposit money, the post office to send stuff to Sarah and then home. A HUGE day. So tired, I couldn't write a word. Drug myself and Ian to the store for food, and mom made dinner. My mouth has the dry's. So no amount of water helps to moisturize. I use a special mouth rinse and it helps a little. I struggle to stay awake to watch my daughter on Modern Family and it helps to wake me up. It is simply impossible to not laugh at this show. I love this show! I love my daughter and I'm so profoundly proud of her. After the show I cave in to my desire to sleep.

Today, October 15, 2009
The headache remains, and woke me around 5am, I give in and take Tylenol, it doesn't help. So I have my Cheerios and know I need more food before I take my Emend and Dox. So today I do follow up with the surgeon who put in my port, and then I think I'll be very kind to myself and take the day off, and rest as much as I can.

Thank you for following my life, I hope it brings hope to those who need it, and comfort to those who are concerned about me. I'm doing really well, I promise! I can't fail when I'm surrounded by the best team in NYC. TOTAL VICTORY is all that I can see. Thanks for the prayers, keep them coming, and LADIES! please do me a huge favor. If you have not had your mammogram yet, please do it, schedule it, self exam yourself, save your life. Don't take you for granted.

Nite!
Love and Light!
Melissa

Monday, October 12, 2009

CHEMO EVE

October 12, 2009 Monday

Remember how Holiday Eve's were fun? Christmas Eve, News Year's Eve...now I have Chemo Eve. Christmas Eve I got to open one present of my choice. News Year's Eve I got to crack a bottle of champagne. Chemo Eve I get to pop two pills that lower my immune system. Let the poisoning begin! This Third Chapter in my Breast Cancer Journey has felt like it's been on pause forever! Finally, it's about to begin. The list of meds to counter-act the chemo is amazing.

Dexamethasone ~ to treat allergies, arthritis, asthma, and skin conditions among others. Side effect? Lowered immune system.

Emend ~ to help prevent nausea and vomiting. May make me drowsy.

Prochlorper (compazine) suppository ~ to help prevent nausea and vomiting. Side effects - drowsiness, dizziness, congestion, blurred vision, dry mouth, constipation

Prochlorper (compazine) tablets ~ to help prevent nausea and vomiting. Side effects - refer to the suppository side effects.

Granisetron ~ to help prevent nausea and vomiting. Side effects - diarrhea, constipation, stomach pain, weakness, headache, fever, dizziness, drowsiness, trouble sleeping, and anxiety.

Okay, so let me get this straight, I have 4 medications to prevent nausea and vomiting. All of them will make me drowsy, constipated, give me diarrhea, and even though I'll be drowsy, I won't be able to sleep. And those are just the pills that will help counteract the Chemo. WOW! I can't wait to feel like sh*t. but I won't barf. That's a plus. I'm just glad I only have to do the chemo dance once every 3 weeks for 6 dances. After that, my dance card will be permanently filled. As in Luigi will have every dance.

I've spent a lot of time meditating and chanting about this, and I've made up my mind to get through this with steadfast determination. I will feel terrific, so remind me of that if I need it. Mind over matter. I have places to go, people to meet, things to do. I refuse to let this control my life.

This morning I met my Physical Therapist, Lauren. I like her, we will get along like Peas and Carrots. My arm's range of motion is not too bad, all things considered, and I want to get back to dance class, and she won't let me until she says so. So trust me, I will work very hard to get her approval.

So for me, I head to bed with hardly the anticipation of Santa coming down the chimney, nor the anticipation of the News Year's kiss at Midnight with my Sweet Ed, but I anticipate with the eagerness of the child waiting for Christmas Morning and the joy of News Year's Kisses; the promise of a better year full of GOOD HEALTH, WEALTH, AND HAPPINESS.

May we all find that every single day. I had a great day. Tomorrow will be the first foot on a new path heading to a new chapter...Chapter 4 ~ Radiation.

Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa

Sunday, October 11, 2009

FOR ERICA

October 11, 2009 Sunday

This is for Erica, you know who you are ; P

Today a group of women spoke of many things. One of which was the recent deaths at a sweat lodge out in Sedona, AZ. The leader of the group is the man who is responsible for that book, The Secret. So as we discussed the horror of that day where 2 people died, and several were hospitalized for severe dehydration, we all pretty much came to the same conclusion ~ what drives people to follow someone so devoutly as if it is a religion? The promise of taking all your problems away? To promise you riches to dig out of debt with? The promise to "fix" the bad relationship you're in? The questions all had a common thread, DESPERATION. Why is it that we as a people tend to look to some outside source to fix all our worries or problems? Do we simply not want to own them? Without the struggles, who would we be? Isn't it better to embrace what we face and take it on, figure out the way to solve our problems, and take action? For the most part we are raised to trust that a Higher Being has a plan, and I'm sure that is so, however, we must be active participants in the plan. We can't just hand over buckets of money, an expect someone to fix it, and on this I mean on a spiritual level. We pay doctors to diagnose illness and disease. We pay them to cut out that which might kill us otherwise. We pay teachers to teach us, retailers to clothe us, grocers to give us food so we don't starve, but what about the spiritual? Should we pay obscene amounts of money to someone who professes to hold all the answers? My opinion? No. I feel we must dig down deep within ourselves and ask of ourselves why we feel the way we do. How did I get here? Why do I stay? What do I want to do about it? Some may say "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'll give it to God and he will fix it." I, however, am curious. I want to know, so I seek the answer. If I don't like where I am, I seek to move. If I know I must change something, then I choose to do something.

Which brings me to this cancer. Who knows why I got it. The important thing is I found it, and with the team of doctors I handed myself over to, it is well on its way out. Now the issue becomes since this happened what do I plan on doing with the rest of my life. I want to become an even better version of myself, truer to myself. I have made up my mind to be committed to me. To "Put it in the right place before I make the move." ~ Luigi

Luigi is my Jazz dance teacher and he is very wise. He is a mentor to me and to many other dancers. And Luigi has often said, "If you do something wrong long enough, it feels "right" wrong." Of course this applies to dance technique, but it also has it's applications to other parts of our lives. I feel spiritualism is that way. All it takes is a cocktail of desperation and someone willing to take advantage with the promise that their way is right, and suddenly wrong feels "right" wrong, and lives are lost. What upsets me about this recent tragedy is that the "leader" (and I use the term loosely) was there, and he high-tailed it out of there, and twittered later how sad it was. Where is his sense of right? This was his to own, and he bailed.

Note to self, to thine own self be true.

Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa

Friday, October 9, 2009

MIGRAINES

October 9m 2009 Friday

Migraines suck. The spotty blindness, the headache and nausea that follows, the inability to sit in a dark room with sunglasses on and not be able to sit there because the TV is on the second to lowest level. You can't read your email nor tend to your crops on Farmville, because the screen makes things worse. You can't read a book, because the words and your eye movement make you sick to your stomach. So you sleep as best you can, but not really. When you wake in the morning the migraine fog sets in. The headache vaguely there, but the fuzz behind the eyes, the lack of focus remains. So you go about your day, you try. Everything is an effort. Migraines suck.

I don't know why or how or what I did that triggered the migraine, but it came none-the-less. I went about my day on Thursday, had lunch with Mom and my dear friend Tammy, then did some light KMart shopping, and headed up to NYU Medical Center for my Muga Scan. A couple of injections later and a bit of a hang out in the waiting area and in I went for the heart scan. I relaxed, closed my eyes, and drifted a bit because I was a little tired. The scan went well, the tech only found one thing ~ my heart of Gold! ~ ; D Then he rolled me out of the scanner and I opened my eyes and there it was, the spotty blindness. I knew I only had just a few minutes to get to the Excedrin Migraine or I was sunk, so I high-tailed it out the door with Mom trying to keep up with her cute little short legs, got a cab home, flew through the door downed the Excedrin, headed straight to the darkness of my room with my sunglasses on, and rested on the bed. It was too late, my time ran out, and I lost.

In four days I begin Chemotherapy, and I sit here and say to myself, "You wuss!" If you think Migraines suck, just you wait for the side-effects of chemo!" Perhaps that is why I got one; to prep me for the fun next week. Perspective, my girl, perspective. So I'm not Super Woman, even Clark Kent had Kryptonite. TCH is my Kryptonite I suppose. So I have to be more forgiving of myself. I can't do it all. Shucks, just when I thought I could.

I have made a promise to myself to enjoy the energy I have this weekend. So go out and have a wonderful weekend people, and be energetic! Hey! Nebraska won! I did manage to watch some of it from under my sleeping mask. That makes for a good distraction, but only when they win.

I'll check in on Monday. Let you know if the Fog lifted off of my head.

Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa

Thursday, October 8, 2009

HEALTH CARE REFORM

October 8, 2009 Thursday

Soap box time. Don't read it if you don't want to hear it. Last night my mom and I went to St. Ignatius Loyola Church to watch my dear friend from College, Kent Tritle, the esteemed conductor and musical director conduct the most awe inspiring concert of sacred music. To walk into the church is to know that God exists. We got to sit in the "Preferred Seating" right up front. I have connections in high places. OOH! I am so special. As we sat there waiting for the program to begin, I told my mom that we sit in the heart of Kent. This is going to be a very special moment in time. And it was. I always knew that Kent was going to do spectacular things with his life, I just failed to realize the scope. I sat in wonder as I watched this uber-talented man pull from the choir and the orchestra the meaning of spirit. The Church echoed with perfection and the audience sat in complete rapture. There really is a God. God was present last night, and through the hands of one of the most compassionate men I know. If only music could really cure all ills. This was chemo without the horrid side-effects. I can't stop thinking about what I witnessed last night. To sit there and let the music wash over me, go through me, I could feel its healing power. After the program, I went up to thank Kent, and was met with a huge hug and many words of thanks and welcome back and forth, back and forth. I don't get to see Kent very often but when we do see each other it's as if no time has passed. I'm so lucky to have this man in my life, even if it's just rarely. It's like getting to wear Harry Winston jewelry for the Red Carpet. Thank you Kent for making me feel alive. I got to go backstage to see Arthur, who soloed with his cello. Another incredible man, whom I adore. They are the best partners. To watch Arthur play is to watch Arthur become the cello. Every fiber of his being was cello. A talented man with the ability to touch your very soul. Then the cherry on top. Arthur has been called up on the list at my Apartment complex. I so hope that he can get into the Complex. To get an apartment in my building, selfishly so, just so I can hear his cello when he practices.

So,needless to say, mom and I headed home high on Sacred music, and then I turned on the TV to watch Keith Olbermann's special comment on Health Care Reform. This is the smartest man on Television. Who but Keith can put things so simply. He is well thought out, well researched, and draws from the past to parallel the present. Last night, Keith presented his own story. His father who is ill, and if not for the fact that Keith makes bucket loads of money, his father wouldn't have gotten the level of care he's gotten. The comment went on about how unfair it is that the rich can afford the best, while the rest of those without insurance have a 40% chance higher risk of dying from preventable, treatable illness. It sounds so ridiculous. But it's true. Since when have we become a Nation of "ignore your fellow man"? If Christianity is the major religion in this Nation, why don't we practice what we preach? I'm lucky, we have insurance, however, that said, It is killing us financially just to meet premiums, deductibles, and out-of-pocket. I spoke about this earlier so I won't regurgitate the details once again. But what happens if we lose our insurance for lack of work? What happens when Ed needs his knees replaced? Ed donates his kidney to Sarah? What then? We didn't ask for these issues. It is unfortunate that it all seems to be coming together at one moment in time. The debt is only just beginning to pile up, and yet, as hard as I try to not look forward, I can't help but see the Dump Truck with the bed of Bills ready to bury me alive. And as I watched the Keith Olbermann Show I began to get angry, angry for the people who can't afford insurance. I became grateful for the insurance I have, at least I have insurance. I'm not Tiny Tim just yet. But as Keith recounted his father's experience, my heart broke. A man too proud to ask for help, that he let himself sit there for 24 hours before realizing he was in desperate need of help. His father almost died because he couldn't get up to walk to the bathroom. He couldn't pee and no one was there to help him, so his kidneys shut down because this poor man didn't pee for 24 hours. And as Keith walked out of the hospital he met an old friend whose daughter is in ICU so very ill, and the man tells Keith that he has to sell his farm, and we all know why he does. A child's life is on the line, and a father who can't afford insurance has to sell his livelihood to pay the bills. WE NEED HEALTH CARE REFORM, WE NEED PUBLIC OPTION. Without it we become an insular society. A great divide between the HAVES and the HAVE NOTS. With the advances in medicine and technology why do we have such a high mortality rate? Because Insurance companies are greedy and miserly. God forbid everyone should have available to them an affordable insurance plan. God forbid people get tested for kidney donation without fear of uncovering an underlying condition. Who did we put into office? Does Congress just not get it? We elected them to protect us, protect our parents, protect our children. It seems so absurd that the Right is more concerned about the unborn child than the elder citizen who gave to our Nation, was productive and made this a better place to live. The Right is more concerned with the unborn child than the children that are here, present, trying to grow up with parents who fear their babies won't get insurance when they leave the protection of the nest. We need to care for those who are already here. The need is great. The want is overwhelming. The stench of death is everywhere people. Do you not care? Does it take a disaster to wake up our Nation. Only when something horrible happens, do we come together to solve a problem; take care of each other? No, Wait! It depends on the crisis. Terrorists, yes, we come together to do whatever it takes, but the Health Care Crisis we are in, the Hostage Takers known as Insurance Companies, no, they are just Capitalists, so it's okay to deny that man services. To drop him like a hot potato when he falls ill with a life-threatening disease. To deny him coverage because his big heart got him into trouble because he was tested to donate a kidney in life and found an underlying condition, therefore making it a pre-existing condition. It breaks my heart. Am I the only bleeding heart here? Call your Congressmen, your Senators. Let them know we CANNOT except the crap that is going on in D.C. We sent them there to protect us. DO YOUR JOB!

So back to the top of my blog. If only music could truly cure illness.

Nite!
Love and Light!
Melissa

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

A PROUD DAY.

October 7, 2009 Wednesday

I love my kids so much. I look at them and think I'm so lucky to have them. They make me so proud. My son who is so wicked smart with the great sense of humor and so willing to be stretched thin with his extra-curricular activities. My mom made mint chocolate chips cookies yesterday, and when Ian came home he burst through the door and headed for the back room only to be turned by the scent of homemade cookies. He grabbed a stack and rushed to the back room once again, and again he turned on his heel to return to the front room, look at my mom and say, "Did I tell you today that I love you?" and then he was gone. I was off chanting at the time, but my mom told me later. She was so delighted that he took the time to say "I love you". Proud moment.

My daughter has always been and will continue to be my hero. She has always been brave and independent. Where did she get that from? I wonder? But through this crisis with her friend, she has proven yet again what a good person is made of. Her need to be there for him and the family, and her ability to remain calm in a sea of turbulence proves once again what an incredible person she is. She is able to stay upbeat and positive, understanding and compassionate, and see a bit of herself in the situation. Today, she called me to apologize for all the times she was mean to me whenever she was sick and in hospital. It made me cry. I always knew she didn't mean anything said while ill. She had no power in those moments, and the only power she had was to lash out at the person who cared the most. I never held it against her, because a mother's love is unconditional. But to hear her apologize to me today...WOW! My little girl has grown up. And a beautiful woman inside and out she has become.

Your children are the measure of a person you are. I'm so proud to call them mine. They made it easy, because they are easy to love. So, today was just the most lovely day, even though my P/T evaluation was cancelled, delaying beginning getting my range of motion back, and my mom and I spent the afternoon shopping at Trader Joe's. Two little things ~ a simple "I love you" to my mom from my son, and a phone call that touched the depths of my soul. It's the little things that really matter. So don't sweat the other stuff. Look to the people you love and find the joy in them. They are your anchor. Love them with all of your being, and encourage them to be the best that they can be, and don't be disappointed if they fail you, because in the end they will never fail you. They somehow rise to the challenge when called on and will make you so proud.

Nite!
Love and Light!
Melissa

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

THE DREADED MIDNIGHT CALL

Just when you think all your ducks are in a row, something comes along and rocks your world. First off, It has nothing to do with my health. I'm fine. Waiting patiently for Chemo to begin next week. The "something" always comes at night, just as you begin to drift off to sleep. It always most certainly comes in the form of a phone call. It is always something that keeps up the rest of the night, like the Boogie Man when you were little. It is always upsetting, and makes a mother crazy. With that said, NO! It is not Sarah. It is rather her friend whom Sarah cares for dearly.

The phone call that rocks your world always begins with the tension in your child's voice, trying to force the tears back. Then the rapid speech that your fuzzy mind can't follow. Then the "What should I do?" I HATE these calls. I don't want them to stop if they are needed, just can't ever seem to get used to them. At first, the information was sketchy, lacking important details. "Are you alright? What's wrong? Calm down, and breathe." Then "Matt is in the hospital. He is in ICU with head trauma. What does that Mean?" Oh Crap! Was it a car accident? Was she with him? Is she alright? SLOW DOWN MELISSA, get the facts, don't go down the scary path and ASSUME! Tell me what you know, Sarah. So as the minutes stretched into hours, the details began to take form for both of us. It turns out that the boys had been playing football, (sans helmets and gear) something they do on a regular basis. Two boys went up for the ball, banged heads, two boys fall to the ground, third boy falls on boy #1 and sinks his knee into Boy #1's head. The classic Bell Rung Syndrome. Matt started with all the symptoms almost immediately, and things turned South quickly. So EMS was called, he was taken to hospital, CT'd, and a drug induced coma was prescribed. And as this young man lay in a hospital bed, my daughter was falling to pieces with fear. There is no worse feeling on Earth to a Mother as she listens to her child crying, feeling helpless and alone, not knowing what she can do to help. The words remained calm, my heart was pounding out of my chest. Please don't drive while you are a mess, we don't need two kids in hospital tonight. Multiple phone calls back and forth, a call to his mom, and a request from FB friends to pray for this boy. Sleep was elusive once again. Much of the rest of the night laying in bed praying and chanting for both of the kids. For Matt's quick recovery and Sarah's peace of mind.

Today was spent mostly on the phone with words of encouragement to Sarah. Matt will be fine, and everything done was done with his best interests in mind. This is what great hospitals do. They do their best. I'm spent from all the energy it takes to do the moral support from 3,000 miles away, but don't regret being there for my daughter in her moment of crisis. And I have to give a special shout out to my FB peeps for jumping on the band wagon so quickly with prayers and support; you all are incredible people. It is so wonderful to know you have my back in any and all turbulent seas.

So, how does this tie to my breast cancer? It dawned on me in the middle of the night just how much I must fight to win and never visit this demon again. My children need me, in some ways now, more than ever. It goes beyond the usual Mommy duty of feeding, hugging, kissing the boo-boo's away. It goes to just how much we are inter-woven. So as the coming months drain me of my energy as I go through chemo and then radiation, I will hold dear to myself the important reason I go through this crap to find health. My kids. They need me, and I need them. I need them to be happy and healthy. I need them to know they can call me in the middle of the night for whatever reason big or small, and I will be there for them. Breast Cancer will not rob my children of my strong broad shoulders to lean on. And in return, I know with all of my heart when I am in my darkest hours they will be there for me with the inner-strength I raised them to have.

I'm just so glad that the Dreaded Midnight Call was about someone else's child and not mine. I know that sounds selfish, but I've had my fair share of those calls, and I don't desire that path anytime soon. I'm just glad that Matt is going to be alright, and that his mother was able to get to his bedside to make things "normal". Nothing like the power of a Mother's love to fix the boo-boo's; physical and emotional.

Nite!
Love and Light!
Melissa

Sunday, October 4, 2009

SLEEPLESS

October 4, 2009 Sunday 3:11 AM

Sleep. What an elusive word right now. I have tried for hours to sleep now and can't seem to get there. Certain that the coffee I had after dinner at Rose's house is the culprit for my sleepless state, I kick myself for having that damn cup of coffee. I haven't had coffee for quite a while, weeks, in fact, so why now did I go back to the stuff? I wiggle, I shift, I squirm, I toss, I turn. Reposition the pillows, shake out my arms. I give up, grab the computer and blog. I am tired. I wish, no desire sleep, yet the Sandman has passed me by.

I had lunch today with MaryAnn and her daughter Jackie. We have only spoken on the phone for months now, and it was so great to spend some time with them. Jackie, the girl with sparkling energy and MaryAnn just makes me laugh, simple as that. We sat at my favorite restaurant in the East Village and had Brunch, and got caught up on life, and yet, did't discuss my situation. Fine by me! It's nice to just be "normal" for a spell. It began to rain and we all laughed at getting caught without an umbrella, so I called Ian and he brought us two umbrellas, and yet comes soaking wet because he didn't open either one. Ian loves the rain. I swear in a past life he was a duck. Dripping wet his tall thin frame enters the restaurant and both women marvel at his height. So out we go, into the rain and head our separate ways. MaryAnn and Jackie to cab it Uptown to look at apartments, and I have promised Ian a Pumpkin Scone at Starbucks. The rain picks up intensity and although both Mom and I are under the umbrella we both get wet, while Ian just strolls happily along soaking wet. We eventually end up home, and the rain, as if on cue, stops.

At 7 we have dinner plans with Rose and Roy and their son, Rafi. It is always a treat to go to their house. So warm and welcoming. Roy's artwork proudly displayed and always I find something new in the artwork that grabs my eye; something I've missed from the time before. We talk and laugh and discuss chemo and hairlessness. I joke that my head will soon resemble Roy's freshly shaved head. We have dinner and discuss many topics, and just have the best evening. I have that evil cup of coffee and talk some more, and before you know it, it's 11 PM. So we head home walking through the bustle of weekend partiers, most of them NYU students hoping to not get carded. One girl I pass dressed in sequins over a long sleeved white t-shirt trying her best to look barely 21 and coming off like a kindergartner on Halloween pretending to be Hannah Montana. Ah! Youth!

I speak with Sarah on the Coast and we have the best talk we've had in many days. She tells me her day, I tell her mine. We talk for over an hour. We hang up, I try to relax, the TV goes off, and the tossing and turning begins. No thoughts just restlessness. I wonder, will I ever get to sleep? I've so much rolling around in my head. I've decided that coffee and me don't get along anymore. I can't sleep, my stomach is churny and my mouth is as dry as a bone. My port itches. My arm aches. My eyes burn with exhaustion and still ~ nothing.

I had a wonderful day. Part of me doesn't want it to end, I guess. Tomorrow is a shopping day. Cat food and juice and other such things. Am I boring you yet? I'm bored, but WIDE AWAKE!!!! Okay, I'm going now. Wish me luck on getting to sleep. Maybe I'll surf the TV and find a really boring channel to drift off to.

Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa

Friday, October 2, 2009

IMPENDING BUDDHA HOOD

October 2, 2009

I await the day of my first chemo treatment, and the doctor says I will definitely lose my hair. So I sit pondering, should I shave it before the treatment so I don't feel the pain of it falling out? Or do I wait until it comes out in fistfuls, and then shave it? So as I awake to these thoughts running amuck in my head I open up my email and receive an email from SGI. Today's email talks about President Ikeda coming to New York and how we must reach 10 billion diamoku (nam myoho renge koy) by November 18, 2009. That the anniversary of President Ikeda coming to New York City to spread kosen rufu to the world was on October 13th, 1960. I laugh out loud because that is the day I start chemo, the day I begin to lose my hair. All of my fear and trepidation gone up in smoke. To me this is beyond coincidence. It is a clear sign to me that this is meant to be, to find the better me. How powerful can it be that same date I begin chemo is the same date 49 years ago that the President of SGI came here to spread joy to New Yorkers and the world. So now I can't wait, it has become a day to look forward to. October 13 will become the day I take on true Buddha-hood. I am happy to lose my hair, my new way to find myself, ever evolving to the best that I can be.
I don't know if I'll have the energy to go to the services that day after chemo, but I hope I have enough to just walk in for a small period of time. Oct. 13th is a big celebration for the 49th anniversary of President Ikeda's first visit. The energy on that night will undoubtedly be amazing and the healing power unstoppable. So even 5 minutes will be important to me. I will try, try my best to go. It just has too much meaning to me now.
Nite!
Love and Light!
Melissa

THE SHOWER

October 2, 2009

When I was a little girl, whenever I got sick and started to feel better my mommy would say, "Now that you are feeling better, let's go wash the sickys off." So I would take a bath with lots and lots of bubbles. After the bath I would feel better. My skin would feel soft and new. The ickyness from the sweat of breaking the fever gone, my skin rosy once again. It was a magic cure. As I got older, I moved up to showers to wash away the sickys. It always worked, just like magic. So last night, I finally got to wash away the sickys. My last shower was the morning of my surgery, September 21. Ten days without a shower because of the surgery, the sutures, the bandages; only the sponge bath to keep me "clean". I was anxious to take the shower and yet when the time came, I was hesitant. I stood in the bathroom and peeled off the last bandage from my shoulder incision and hesitated. Would it hurt? the water pounding down on tender wounds? Then I heard the voice of my mother, the voice of 40 years ago, "Time to wash the sickys away, Melissa." So I stepped into the shower and immediately I felt the sickys melting away, the warmth of the shower relaxed every muscle, the steam entered my lungs and brought peace. I stood under the head of the shower for a very long time, just stood there doing nothing. It felt so wonderful. I washed my face, shampooed my hair and then I washed my body. Ah!!!! Gingerly around the incisions, and then my right armpit. UGH! Try having nodes removed from your armpit. The site had been covered with a trans dermal tape, so it was goopy with adhesive, stuck to my armpit hair that had grown out over the 10 days. It was like velcro lifting my arm. EWWW~! So I did the very best I could to remove the adhesive but after the shower, it was still there, not as bad but still there. As I toweled off carefully I felt renewed. My skin once again fresh, rosy and smooth. I LOVE DOVE BEAUTY BARS!!!! Nothing makes my skin feel softer. My hair once again clean and styled in its messy carefree way. My clothing feels better now, my body feels better now, my spirit feels freer now. The last of Mr. Lumpy washed away, down the drain, gone for good. The magic cure, a shower to wash away the sickys.

Nite!
Love and Light!
Melissa

Thursday, October 1, 2009

CHAPTER THREE: CHEMO

October 1, 2009 Thursday

A New Day, A New Month, A New Insurance, A New Chapter. I met my Chemo Doctor today. Dr. Speyer. I was told he was serious, so I expected a dour "doctory" type. So my mom and I leave home, take a cab (a treat I'm not too used to) and get to the 8th floor of the Cancer Center at NYU. Things were a bit wacky at first, because I checked in and the lady behind the desk said I needed to go through the door and speak with Susan first. So my mom and I looked at each other, shrugged, and did as we were told. I thought that they'd want to get a hold of my bank account. So we stood there waiting for a bit of time, and finally Susan got off the phone, swiveled in her seat, and asked why we were standing there. After a very awkward moment of Susan looking confused, Me and mom looking confused, Susan said, "I don't really know why you were sent back here, so You are checked in, and don't worry, just have a seat outside." So confused, we go to the waiting area wondering, just wondering. Susan came out and started to give the desk girl a bit of a hard time, pointed at us and asked why she sent us back to her. The desk girl was like I didn't send them back I sent the lady standing behind them. I meant to send the other lady. So we all had a big laugh at the misunderstanding. I knew then that all would be fine. So after a period of "hospital" time we were called back, placed in a room and had the usual things done. BP, temperature, and as soon as the nurse walked out, both my mom and I burst into laughter. The Nurse, very nice, don't get me wrong, she was so "dour" so serious, no talk, all business. So NOT what I'm used to through this whole experience. So I'm thinking, "Oh my, the Doctor is going to be just like this. I hope I don't start laughing hysterically." Finally, Dr. Speyer enters with his Nurse Clinician. And all I can think is, "This is the sane version of Ed Begley, Jr., and that nurse is wearing a really great outfit. So smart." He was serious, but I could tell he was testing the ground. Who was I? What was I like? How open could he be with me? Things like that. So we bounced back and forth between the "office" and the exam room. He spoke candidly and with seriousness. Kind and gentle, and happy to see that I looked so well.

So I am a mixed bag of cancer. There are things they look for when deciding how to treat. The size of the tumor makes it little chance, moderate chance, or high risk of recurrence. The Good news ~ my tumor was small = little chance of recurrence. However, my type of cancer cells found are an automatic high risk for recurrence, so therefore the mixed-bag. So I will be treated as if I had a large tumor ~ aggressively. I will begin with chemo, 6 rounds One treatment every three weeks. Herceptin for an entire year. Radiation to follow the chemo. The length of radiation is to be determined. So let Chapter Three begin.

I know that I will get Dr. Speyer to laugh, I saw the edges of his mouth trying hard to remain "serious". He was very concerned that I wouldn't cry over the loss of my hair, of which is certain because of the types of drugs to be used. I really am okay with this, not to say I won't cry big time when the clippers come out to shave me bald. I will deal. Hair grows back and that's the only thing I want growing back. Mr. Lumpy in any form growing back, NO! I'll take being bald for a while over that any day of the week. The list of drugs to counteract the side-effects are as long as my arm. The nurse, Debbie took us down to the chemo floor and gave us a tour. Very high end. Lounge chair, private tv, phone within reach... so forth and so on. I'm feeling like this is going to be kinda "me time". I'm liking this for now. I'm sure the tough days will come, the darkness will set in, but I'm determined to be positive, hopeful, and happy. Chemo will follow me into the New Year, but only until February. So I look forward to being like a tree, bald in the winter, and budding forth with new growth in the Spring. Peach fuzz at first, then the buds and finally beautiful blossoms that cover the entire tree reminding us that Hope truly does Spring eternal.

So bring on the Chemo, bring on the cocktails and the anti-nausea drugs, the radiation, the hair loss, the weight loss, the puffy face from steroids. That is temporary. My hope is eternal, my strength is just who I am. My determination is steely. I do this for me.

I can't wait to get started, to get on the road. As we left the building, my mom had to ask that I slow down. She couldn't keep up. But I had to move swiftly. I felt that if I moved quickly, I'd get to October 13th faster, and then the reality set in. Moving fast wasn't going to make time move faster. So once again I have to learn to be patient. ARGH! Patient/patience one in the same.

Chapter Three, the long chapter. It's going to be interesting.
Nite!
Love and Light!
Melissa