Yesterday was my son's 15th Birthday. Yesterday, I still struggled with effects of chemo. Yesterday, I still had not gotten a present to celebrate his day. Yesterday, I pulled myself up and walked in the cold winter air of NYC with my son up to Game Stop and said, "Pick out the game you want, this is your birthday present. Then we have to go, I'm not feeling well." The walk was 13 blocks North and 13 blocks back South. The walk wiped me out. By the time I got home, my legs felt like lead, my soul locked in a body laden down with the weight of fatigue. I collapsed on the couch and was too tired to be frustrated. But frustrated I was. I am not this person, the kind that has No Energy. I am the woman who has energy to spare. I am the woman who walks EVERYWHERE!! It is something I love to do; one of the reasons I love living in NYC. Walking is like breathing to me, and a 26 block outing is nothing to me, but yesterday, I might as well have walked the length of Manhattan.
I know, I know, this is the last chemo, I'll start to feel better soon, my energy will return, and soon I'll be back to walking all over again. Back to dance. Back to Life. But we who tread this path, get over being tired, not being able to fully contribute, or feel like we are part of this Universe. So I pushed back. Ian had a show that night, and had friends coming up to see him in the show. So I rested, plotting my comeback. Ed and I drove Ian the kids up to the show and then I went to WholeFoods and bought a birthday cake for after the show. We went back to the theatre and set up the cake and waited. Little did I know that the wonderful cast had a plan of their own. Cynthia (Ian's mom in the show) made not just one cake, but also made an apple/pecan pie. So Ian's birthday celebration turned into a party. The audience was invited to join in the celebration; cake was served to all, not just the chosen few. Delicious baked goods were devoured by all, Ian felt special, and I refused the pull of gravity, high on seeing my son smile and laugh and be admired by friends and strangers. All sang Happy Birthday, and the night ended well.
The road to health is a long journey, and there will be days when you think you just can't put one more foot in front of the other, but then something will stir deep inside you, that sense of survival, and it will drive you forward to the day. You will not only overcome the weight of the day, but you will surprise yourself. I was tired at the end of the day, but to see the smile on my 15 year old son's face was worth the struggle. I promise, next year, the party will be BIG! This year it had to be small and on the fly. My way is long, and it may be hard at times, but I will arrive at the finish line, and when I do, I will be on time, I will be strong, I will be beautiful, I will happy, I will be a new improved woman, battle scarred and worn, but proud of every single scar, every single struggle, every single battle.
Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa
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