Starting Sunday, I began to dread Tuesday. I went to the SGI Culture Center Sunday morning to chant and meet up with my friend Rose. And after do morning prayers, the leader stood and spoke, like he usually does every Sunday, but this day his words were only for me. That is how many in the room felt. He spoke to our fears, financial, lack of jobs, and our health. He reminded us that we are in a Winter, and Spring always follows Winter. He wasn't speaking of the Seasons, per say, rather he was speaking to our personal Winter. I've written about this before. I am in a big Winter right now. Things could not be worse on the finance front (drought), the job front (who will hire someone in the middle of chemo and radiation), my health (fungus on the crop), my health insurance ( locust on the crops eating every dollar in site). But my Winter will end and with it comes the beauty of Spring. So I left renewed with a sense of hope. I am determined to change my life condition. And I will have the biggest, best est Spring anyone could imagine.
Monday was spent working hard with my P/T Lauren. You all would just love her. She is sweet and engaging, and so helpful and compassionate. Then home to cut checks and that means robbing Peter to pay Paul, you know the game. Then I was exhausted and spent the rest of the day resting. My energy is waning but my spirit lives on. Cancer treatment cannot take that away.
This morning I woke early because I gave up trying to sleep. My legs were doing that restless dance once again, and the room was unusually hot and stuffy even though the windows were open and the fan was blowing. The radiator was pumping heat with unwarranted vigor. So I gave up sleep and went on FB did my Farmville, woke Ian for school, showered, ate oatmeal with apples and brown sugar, got Ed up and ready to take me to chemo. On the way up, I started to cry, but I shut it down. I confessed that I really didn't want to go. I still was not 100% this time, I was just beginning to feel like myself again, and wasn't ready to feel yucky. The spoiled child reared her ugly head for about 2 minutes and then it was over. I knew I needed to go, needed to poison my body, get through the knot hole, and come out the other side victorious. Had my bloods drawn, saw Dr. Speyer who was amazed at how great I look, and said I looked marvelous which brought on the Billy Crystal quote, "Well, it is better to look Marvelous, than to feel marvelous." WE laughed and moved to the office for the update and okaying for chemo. I have turned the corner in the tunnel and I can see the small glimmer of light at the end of Hell. I am on my way to the other side of it, and it feels so hopeful.
I slept through most of my chemo, because I was really tired. I didn't get a room for 1 1/2 hours after my appointed time. Everyone was trying to get their chemo in before Christmas, so it was insanely busy. But I was patient and understanding. I only asked after an hour if they could estimate when I'd get in, and 1/2 and hour later, I got a great room and treatment began. #4 went well, because I slept, even though I tried to stay awake. God those drugs are good, but I don't recommend driving while on them. lol Ed and I finally left at 5PM for home. A good day, a hopeful one, and that is why it was a good one. TWO MORE CHEMO TREATMENTS. Two more cycles of this queer feeling and the sick tummy. Two more and this will never be revisited. Two more!!! This makes me so happy!!! The snow is beginning to melt I sense my personal Spring beginning.
May you all have your personal Spring. Believe when you find yourself in a Winter that the promise of Spring is there, just beneath the surface. Be patient for it will come, and will be more than you could imagine. Have faith, things are cyclical and when you work hard at your faith anything is possible.
Two more!
Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa
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