Expectations. The American Heritage Dictionary defines 'expectation' as "the act of expecting", "Eager expectation" To expect is "To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of" or "To presume; suppose".
With Great Expectations comes Great Disappointment. The Holidays are usually full of of this. Kids getting lots of toys, but somehow the one they "really" wanted wasn't there. The promise of no "family drama" falls into chaos. The thrill of travel to relatives dashed by the blizzard that locks us in, and shuts down airports, highways, and rails. Congress' promise to work in bi-partisan support to bring Americans Health Care Reform, and then gives into Insurance Lobbyists and leaves us out in the cold without hope. Yes, December was full of Great Expectations. And much like Charlie Brown and that football, we trust that this time Lucy won't pull the ball away, and we always fall flat on our back. So, why do we do it? Hold these Great Expectations? It will always not be what we expect. There will always be a "could've been better", "it wasn't what I expected", "why does it always dissolve into this".
Such was the Holiday week for me. My daughter arrived Monday to the bitter cold of NYC, and within hours both of us fell sick to the super dry air, couldn't enjoy each other's company, and then the bickering started. After hours of trying to bull through, and suggest fun things to do together as a family I gave up in disgust and went to bed. The day ruined by the old routines of bickering among siblings, pissing contests between Father and Son, eye rolling and whining between Father and Daughter. Hurt feelings for stupid things, and tempers flaring over petty differences. My Great Expectations of Family Fun dashed in less than 24 hours. My explosion extraordinary, as I blew out the of the room to escape the usual family drama of the Holidays. I kicked Ed out of the bedroom, and cried with the only living things that don't judge, the cats. Several attempts from Ian finally melted my armor and allowed him to snuggle in apology. Then came Sarah, and at last Ed, but why had it taken me melting down to bring us together?
The next day, I was very sick, with a fever that bumped 100, and that began to make me nervous. My water consumption was not to be sated, 7 glasses of water before 10 am with no relief in site for the dehydrated feeling I owned; Sarah in much the same condition. The Great Expectation of seeing a Holiday movie, gone. Dentist office for Sarah's cleaning and home in the bitter bitter cold, and that was the end of the day, over, kaput. Food made, food pushed away, bed. Wednesday brought much the same result. Doctor's appointment and home. Finally the humidifier hooked up and running trying as hard as it could to pump moisture into the air. Relief beginning to gain ground on my sinuses. By Thursday my body began to feel less like a dried out sponge and my temperature finally returning to normal. But Sarah is feeling worse, and I'm thinking "Why did I make her come home? She wouldn't have gotten ill if she stayed in LA. I'm a terrible mother. How selfish am I?" Ah! old habits die hard. As if I knew she would get a cold if she came home for Christmas. Sure! Bad Mommy! So as I lay down to rest for the tenth time that day, I hear the door close, so I go out to see who left and to my surprise, it was Sarah. Ed tells me she's gone for a walk. Odd, since she informed me upon arrival that she would not leave the house until she left the for airport. A walk? So time passes and the doorbell rings, I peek out the peephole and see a tree. Sarah has returned with a tree. "It just isn't Christmas without a tree."
Do you see what happens when Great Expectations are dropped? Wonderful things happen when you DON'T Expect. Joy was infused like a balm with the purchase of a tree, a 6' tree. Beautiful in its simplicity, perfection. It brought us together, and we began to laugh and enjoy. Suddenly baking was happening, tree trimming, and cats going crazy to climb the tree and knock at the ornaments. Dinner on the table and everyone around it. Laughing and conversation, real conversation. Then Christmas movies and us all piled up together as a family, enjoying the simple things of life. Company.
Christmas morning I felt great, so I woke early to make the Christmas morning feast. Fruit salad, Banana Bread, Cranberry Bread, and Quiche. We slept in, well, everyone else did, and we enjoyed the quiet of the day. Later that day Ed, Ian and I went to Rose and Roy's home for Christmas dinner. Sarah stayed behind still not feeling that well, but she had company, so all was well. The Evening ended well with good food, good friends, and lively conversation. The joy of just letting things be was the lesson. It is only with "expectation" that we can be disappointed. So, for the rest of the weekend, no more expectations, I promise to just let things be. If we see a movie, fine, if not, also fine. Just being in the same room is enough for me now.
Nite!
Love and Light!
Melissa
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