24 Hours. One day. 1,440 minutes. The last day of chemo. These last hours seem to crawl toward the finish line. If I could, I'd go today and get it over with. The urge to feel like myself again is almost overwhelming. On one hand, I dread the coming disconnect, the nausea, the IBS. On the other hand, I can't wait to have those feelings one last time. To know that it is the last time I feel this way, is exhilarating. An adventure.
The thing I really am tired of is all of the hot flashes that wake me in the middle of the night, and annoy me to no end during the day. If someone were to put a heat sensor over me it would show nothing but dark red. They come from nowhere. One moment I'm cold, the next, suffocating, and drenched in fine beads of sweat from head to toe. My wrists, the crooks of my elbows, the back of my knees, even my ankles become pools of sweat. The top of my head, the back of my neck, my chest, and my back turn to small rivers. Another side effect of chemo. When does it calm down? I'd like to know. I'd like to get nights that are complete in slumber. Covers up to my chin, covers thrown off, the big wipe down, a drink of water, then the chill, covers back on, covers off, covers on, covers off. Over and over again. An eight hour sleep turns into 4 hours of strange sleep. And finally, when sleep really does come, it's time to wake up for the day. My body so trained to wake at 6:30am every morning, is a bit of a curse.
My lack of sleep leaves me short tempered. I try to check myself, but I find myself just wanting to be left alone, because I know I'm crabby. I don't really want to bite off any one's head for stupid things, but the lack of consistent sleep is beginning to wear me down.
On a lighter note, I got a really awesome Snuggie from Debbie in Texas, a mom of one of Sarah's friends in LA. I can't believe the out pouring of love I've received over this crazy course. I commented that I wished I had a Snuggie when Debbie posted being curled up with cocoa and her Snuggie. It was a very cold night here in NYC, one where the wind was howling and no amount of heat could keep the apartment warm. I didn't mean I wanted to have her send me one, but send me one she did. And it isn't just some regular old boring Snuggie in blue or red, it has panache! A bold Zebra print. I howled with laughter! Perfect! I LOVE MY SNUGGIE! Thanks Debbie! I put it on and take it off often. Ian tries to pinch it, and yet, at the same time declares it is ridiculous. He secretly is filled with envy, that's my take. It freaks out the cats, especially Niki, who is afraid of her shadow. Imagine her fear when she sees me wrapped up like a zebra.
So tomorrow is the last day. I'm packing my zebra snuggie, my son's flip camera, and my elan. It is a big day, and the upside is that the drugs will help me sleep without interruption for a few hours. And after all the drugs have been infused, I can really focus on being done with this leg of the journey. Bring it on. I'm ready to go, even if I'm sleep deprived.
Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment