I've made it through the week of Chemo #5. The burn, the out of body feelings, and the exhaustion were all present, but I've decided that this will not stop me from doing. I didn't do as much, but I did do what needed to be done. So I fall asleep at 8pm. So what. So what that every 30 minutes I have hot flashes. More than once I felt like Samantha on Sex and The City when she was going through her cancer treatment and hot flashes. Ripping off my wig or my scarf, tearing off sweaters or blankets, twisting on the bed to escape the heat I was putting out. Mopping my peach fuzzed pate with a paper towel over and over again. I accept it all. Food this week tastes blech! Drink, any drink tastes polluted. So what! It's part of it all, and soon it will be behind me. One more round of chemo coming at the end of the month, and then it will be over, and food will taste good again, I can have pizza! Orange Juice! Tomatoes! Oh! how I miss flavor!!!!
The cold is my enemy here in NYC, the Polar Freeze has settled in, and between the frigid temperatures and the hot flashes, it's about enough to drive a person crazy. My only fear is another virus. I'm tired of feeling like crap because of a cold. So I'll tuck in and stay put. I did get out yesterday to see my son in his first preview of the showcase he is doing. Safe Home. A play about the cost of war on one family during the Korean War. I was so proud to sit in the audience and watch my son move easily about the stage, and be engaged with the action, and deliver his lines with grace and humor. But most importantly, Ian's reactions to what was going on on stage were spot on. I found myself often pulled to him. Feeling his pain as the family tore apart. These are the moments mothers live for. To see their children excel, and hold their own with those who have more experience. So I sat with there brimming with pride.
Thoughts on Chemo....the downside: exhaustion, the burn in the throat, the nausea, the hair loss, the out of body sensation, the hot flashes.
The upside: I haven't needed to shave my legs or my armpits for months now! My skin gets a lovely glow after chemo for about a week and half. Brazilians I don't have to think about! Weight loss. Appreciation of those you love, and know they really love you. When you feel good, you take advantage of feeling good. Laughter at the worst, hope at the impossible, and courage I never knew I had.
The ups outweigh the downs. So life is good. This is temporary. My hair is growing again. I refuse to be defeated. I have plans. I love. I live. I laugh.
May you all be so lucky to find the answers I've found on this journey.
Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa
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