I wanted to blog yesterday, but yesterday was a very hard day for me. I wasn't feeling well when I went to bed Sunday night, I tossed and turned with hot flashes and nausea, and blowing my nose and waking up choking on phlegm. Sorry, just telling you like it is. The thought of going to P/T was not favorable. I did not feel well. It was my last day of P/T and I was not going to be sidelined. Lauren, My P/T had given me a print out a couple of weeks ago, a cheer leading flyer. It goes like this:
If you attitude is I won't or I can't, You have 0% chance of success.
If your attitude is I don't know how, you have a 25% chance of success.
If your attitude is I want to or I wish I could, you have a 50% chance of success.
If your attitude is I believe, I can, or I will, you have a 75 % chance of success.
If you attitude is I am doing it, you have a 100% chance of success.
I woke with, "I can't", pulled myself up and forced myself to say, "I don't know how I'm going to make it there.", Then after being up for a bit, I knew I wanted to go, needed to go, ergo, "I want to go", then I made myself eat, oatmeal, of course, the kindest food on Earth. I thought, "I can do this." I noticed the clock, had just finished eating, and realized all that self-coaching was making me late for P/T. I rushed to the bathroom quickly jammed the toothbrush into my mouth, and that was all she wrote....
For the first time during my chemotherapy, the nausea got the best of me, and the kindest food on Earth turned on me, and made me pay. It wasn't pretty, and I have a very bad habit of apologizing, I guess it's something I bring with me from my childhood. Ed kept telling me to quit apologizing, but I couldn't stop. Was I apologizing to him? or to Myself? Part of me felt like I had let myself down because I puked. All this time, no puke, and now so close to the finish line, I puke?! Was I actually angry with myself for throwing up my breakfast? It was so violent, that I had to change my pants, damn having kids all those years ago, sneeze and you pee, puke and you really pee. So I'm a mess, I'm late, I'm broke, and now that I've cleaned up and changed my clothing, I have to take a cab. $$$$$ Sometimes, a hard day is just that, a hard day. I hit the ATM, grabbed a cab that almost appeared to be waiting for me (hidden blessings), and somehow, I made it uptown to P/T with 20 minutes to spare. Grabbed a bagel and a bottle of water, and gingerly nibbled like a little brown mouse on my bagel and prayed not to puke at P/T.
Lauren is a very compassionate P/T, and she felt so bad for me, so she took mercy on me on my last day of P/T and didn't push me too hard. I'll miss her. She has been a constant in a chaotic universe lately. Always happy, always supportive, always guiding. So through the Hard Day, I find little gems of Joy. The Cab right there, Lauren with her compassionate support, a Winter Day that wasn't as cold as it has been. I ended my P/T time with advice for going forward with radiation. I compression sleeve was advised for my time during radiation to continue to reduce the risk of lymph edema and where to get one. Self-lymph massage, which is something akin to a Mary Catherine Skit from SNL, and if I needed to, come back.
I returned home on the bus, and made it as far as the couch, and there I sat for the rest of day, feeling crappy, in a compozine haze which didn't do a thing for my nausea, and faded in and out of hot flashes. Got caught up on guilty pleasures like The Bachelor, and tried to cheer lead my husband as he headed out the door multiple times for Callbacks. The rest of the night was a struggle to get through, but all the time, my mantra was, "I'm doing it." and guess what? I did it. I made it through my Hard Day. So It is true, one's attitude is everything.
I feel a tiny bit better today, and I learned a lesson. Never brush your teeth within seconds of eating. It can result in less than favorable conditions.
Here's to a Good Day. One less hard to bear. Now, to help Ed feel better, he finally succumbed to my virus. He sounds horrible. Tea with honey and lemon.
I am doing it!
Nite!
Light and Love!
Melissa
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